Monday, February 28, 2011

It gets better... when you get less gay

Gay suicide is a cause célèbre in the media these days; lots of faggot suicide stories are being circulated. That gays are actually killing themselves more often than usual has not been established, and it's possible that social networking simply allows for greater agenda promotion. Now that we elected a black president, liberal whites need a new "permanently disadvantaged" minority to champion by tolerating an endless threshold of degenerate behavior. Gays will be "just like us" the same way a retard could ever be just like us; if we set the bar low enough, we can make sure everyone feels included.

The "retard" allegory is a fitting parallel, since homosexuality was always classified as a "mental disorder" up until quite recently in our bigoted history. Unsurprisingly, homosexuality coincides with a laundry list of politically-correct disorders. When a gay kills himself, is it more likely due to hormonal imbalance than some nebulous act of "bullying"? Spare me your indignation that gays are 25 times more likely to commit suicide; um yeah, that's because they are broken in the head.

Consider the context of "bullying". If a gay is chased through the woods by a pack of bloodhounds, bound, and beaten by bigots shouting hatespeech, and then he kills himself... yes, that is unacceptable bullying. A gay is picked on at school for being different (which he is), and then he kills himself as a temper tantrum... well, that's getting cloudy. The docket of "anti-bullying" laws will remove the burden of proof from any weirdo who wants to be validated for doing whatever they want, all the time. You call me a bad word, I call you one back and laugh - I am healthy. I call you a bad word and you kill yourself - your problem probably isn't that bad word.
Face it, everyone loves gay suicides. For the bleeding hearts, they are given a fantastic opportunity to brag about their impressive tolerance. Their "awareness" is worn like a status symbol, and liberals jockey amongst themselves to see who can be the most non-judgmental little rainbow. To assholes (like me), I am just happy that nature still works occasionally and that our overscaled society still has boundaries. These boundaries are being pushed outward aggressively though, and the only answer is more bullying.

Do your part - bully a homo today!

Friday, February 25, 2011

Dont Abort Me Mommy!

I'm sure by now you have all heard about the controversial billboard placed in Soho by opponents of abortion and Planned Parenthood. It has been covered on hundreds of news outlets and outrage from various stakeholds have forced its owners into removing the billboard.
What parent allows their daughter to be in this ad?

I believe women should do whatever they damn please with their bodies. Have 10 abortions if you're too stupid/lazy to use other forms of birth control. I think most people arent really fit to be parents and the abortion rate should be about 90%. In 2009, only 41% of all NYC pregnancies ended in abortion, less than half my target goal. Blacks lead the field with a 59.8% abortion rate (keep up the good work, you're #1!, Hispanics a distant second at 41.3% (gotta step up your game) while Asians and Whites trail the field at 22.7% and 20.4% (just pathetic if you ask me, we need more abortion outreach to the #1 model minority and pinky communities).

Those interviewed about the billboard have been blindly offended or just plain confused. Mae Collazo, 38, who works across the street from the billboard, was both offended and confused. "I don't like it all, what is that supposed to mean?" said Collazo, who is African American, "It makes it sound like all we do is abort our children." Well, when 3/5ths of every conception results in an abortion, that kinda actually is whats going on.

Planned Parenthood, founded by proud Eugenicist Margaret Sanger, does more than just abort black babies. They abort white babies too. Plus, their waiting room is a gold mine to pick up easy chicks. I fully support Planned Parenthood's mission to increase abortions and prevent pregnancy by any means necessary in poor communities around the world. 7 billion people is a lot, and were not growing any more arable land. I never knew how awesome Planned Parenthood was, I just sent them a check for $100. I figure that can buy me one or two American abortions or least a dozen abortions in one of the third-world countries in which Planned Parenthood operates.

But is abortion a racist plot to destroy minority communities? It might be. Tim Tebow thinks so. And he scored 145 touchdowns and won the Heisman.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

FREE RIBS & Kanye Tweets

The two are unrelated. First, its Thurdsday and that means its Rib Day. I am lucky enough to find myself at a horribly mind numbing conference in downtown Brooklyn all day, which allows me to at eat lunch  at Rib Thursday. If you are in downtown Brooklyn today meet me for lunch and I will buy you some ribs.

Kanye West is the leading douchebag of our generation. His talent, narcissism and overall douchebaggery has set the bar high for the next great artist. Look at the shit Lady Gaga has to pull just to get noticed. This hilarious video sings Kanye's tweets. You will love this video if you were ever looking for a marble conference table or had deep thoughts about fur pillows.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The $40 40 Oz.

Leave it up to the pondscum known as Williamsburg Hipsters to turn a staple of the ghetto diet into a piece of  "art". A 40 should cost $.99 to maybe $3.00 for the higher end malt liquor or beer. I never thought I would see the day when one could spend a minimum of $40 on a 40. I came across a flier at a bar on Friday, and although drunk, I thought I was hallucinating when I read about the MF Gallery's 40oz show. You know when they say starting at $40 they mean they set their price at $250. Then when the conniosseurs of fine art (i.e. other deck suburban assholes) see these amazing works of art and negotiate them down to $40 for something that has a street value of $2.50, they think they have accomplished something. This is a pic of some actual artisticaly designed 40's. They are so deck. I would pay at least $1,000 to have them sit on the nightstand I use as a coffee table that I picked out of the garbage on Lorimer Street:

It took me almost four minutes to make my own peice of 40 oz art for the show (see below), I will be selling it for only $645.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Homeless Tweets

So in addition to giving broke ass people cellphones on the taxpayer dime, you can now receive tweets from four homeless dudes in order to "raise awareness" of the homeless problem. New Yorkers really don't need anyone bringing the homeless problem to our attention. We were AWARE of the tent cities and crackhead windshield washer men in the 80's and early 90's. We were AWARE of the kickback based UHO's "give today, every penny helps" scam, and the "deaf" Mexicans with their index cards saying how deaf and poor they were and how they needed a $1 for their deaf children in the late 90's and early 00's. We were AWARE of the kids selling candy "Not for my basketball team but to put a dollar in my pockets and stay out of trouble" of the mid 00's. The 3 million of us who have taken the subway every single day for the past 15+ years to our JOBS are blatently AWARE of homeless people. Anyone who walks down the street, or takes public transportation, or eats lunch in a public atrium is very AWARE of the noxious odors emanating from the ever present homeless.

This initiative reminds me of the timeless and wise belief; "Don't give a man a fish, teach him how to twitter". These tweets will surely equip these homeless adults with the tools to nail down a job, find a place to live and become functioning members of society. According to the crack reporter who broke this story, the tweets "contain some moving insights about loneliness, hardship and the basic human kindness shown by - and shown to - these four men". Forget that, I want some "insightful" tweets about what exactly they did today to get off the taxpayer dime. Like: "I collected 200 cans worth $10, now I can buy myself lunch" or "I just took a free resume writing seminar and applied to three minimum wage jobs" or even "I pretended to be the doorman at Wendy's and made $16 today". If  they won't bother to do that, I want to see honest tweets from the homeless like, "I just showered in a Barnes and Noble bathroom" or "A 95 lb upper east side female lawyer just kicked me into the gutter" or "I am happily ending the day the same way I started it, drinking a fresh $6 fifth of vodka out of a paper bag".

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Open Letter to Community Board 2

I have to work late Thursday so I will be unable to join the angry residents of Little Italy at the Community Board meeting later today. Following our discussion last week, there was a need to express the correct viewpoint of current neighborhood realities. I have sent the following letter to all 50 members of the board so my presence is felt:

Dear Ms. Hamilton:

I am extremely distressed that the townie residents of Little Italy, now known as Old NOLITA, still think that their little feast is as relevant as the $2,200 messenger bags sold in my store or the $26 artisanal gouda grilled cheese sandwiches sold by the food truck parked outside my friend's gallery. WE are the true residents of Old NOLITA. Who could forget when Meghan rode her unicycle from Kenmare Street to Canal Street and back for hours until she had played the entire catalog of Animal Collective on her accordion in order to raise awareness of how special she was? It was EPIC and covered on hundreds of blogs! WE made this neighborhood what it is today.

Although some Italians lived here like 100 years ago, they quickly migrated to fin suburbs such as Staten Island, Howard Beach and Bensonhurst when they couldn't cut it on the art scene. Thanks to our trust funds and parental subsidies we quickly drove vacancy rates down by moving into any storefront without a certificate of occupancy and overpaying for every studio apartment that did not meet building code. We drank our free trade coffee and smoked our American Spirit cigarettes when we woke up at 2PM and blogged about inequalities in third world countries.

We ask you to once and for all shut down this feast, as it interferes with the deck collage that NYU has commissioned 6-month Brooklyn resident Artist/Barista Austin James to install on the corner of Grand and Mulberry. This amazing piece of artwork is made out of vintage Highlights magazine cartoons and rare Steampunk Yoga photo shoot costume leftovers and symbolizes how representative government in Sub-Saharan Africa is doomed to failure unless we teach them the combination of interpretative modern dance and ironic facial hair is the key to any successful society. We know you will recognize the importance of this project and discontinue the feast, or at least relocate it to another less deck neighborhood. There is too much at stake.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Final Solution (For Hipsters)

There is much bitching and moaning about why we hate Hipsters and wish they would go away. However, there is little being done to proactively address the situation. I mean, we can wait around till they all get cancer and die, or until they sterilize themselves out of existence, but I don't want to wait that long. I want them gone. Not next year. Not next month. I want them gone now. While my respected colleagues at Die Hipster wish the Hipsters would all Die, this is just not a viable long term solution. There are just too many Hipsters to kill and they have become entrenched into every filthy crevice of our society. We all know the Hipster extinction wont occur overnight, so here are a few steps we all must take to ensure the steady decrease of the Hipster population:

1. The good old fashioned Hipster Boycott. Vote with your wallet and do not patronize businesses that are owned by Hipsters, cater to Hipsters or use Hipsters in their advertising. There is always a non-Hipster alternative. Let businesses know why you are not patronizing them.

2. If you are the parent of a Hipster, cut off funding IMMEDIATELY. If your child is 23 or older and still displaying Hisperish tendencies, there is little that you can do to reestablish yourself as a "Good Parent", as you have already failed thus far, but there is hope for the next generation. Don't let this go any further. Do not purchase any more art supplies. Cut off all credit cards. Do not make any more car, rent, or mortage payments. Buy him/her a real suit with real shoes in which they can look like a real person on a real job interview, not a thrift store reject.

3. If you are in a position of authority, do NOT, under any circumstance, hire a Hipster. Even if you work in a Hipster friendly field such as bartending/service industry, or media production, DO NOT HIRE A HIPSTER. There are thousands of normal hardworking students, immigrants, and teenagers and young adults with career aspirations out there that would love to work at this position as a stepping stone in their career. Unlike the Hipster, who simply wishes to be a Barista/Production Assistant forever while they do their papier mache art/keyboard composing on the side. Hiring these part time losers simply encourages their poor behavior. We must as a society collectively scream NO and rub their noses in it.

4. Do not acknowledge Hipsters. There are three subsets to this category:
     A) If their accordion, banjo and keytar "band" is playing 1980's cartoon theme songs in the subway, stand directly in front of them with your back to them. Yes, I loved the Silverhawks too, but Hipsters survive on attention. If they are ignored, they shrivel up and die.
     B) If a Hipster is walking towards you, walk right through them*. Hipsters are not real people, thus they must not be treated as such. *Note: after applying this tactic, make sure to shower and dispose of all your clothes immediately in order to avoid bed bugs.     
     C) If you are in sales, do not serve any Hipster. That parentally funded commission might seem nice, but if we as a society shun them, they will leave us and move back to Canada or the Midwest and bother people there. Start by not making eye contact and move on to serving other customers. Most times the Hipster will slink out of the store unnoticed, as they were taught to avoid confrontation under any circumstance.

I know this list if far from complete, as we have just begun to address this problem. Please post any more ideas you may have.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Thank You

I would like to thank my loyal readers helping me reach the 3,000 hit benchmark in less than six weeks. As many of you know, I only began this blog in response to my talentless and narcissistic cousin and her horrendous art blog. I figured I could double her lame readership by blogging about inane topics too. One difference; I don't pretend that I have any talent. She started her blog over a year ago, and I have already reached half her readership by blogging about the famous Art Boat, tight pants, and stupid residents of Little Italy. I am not including the link to her blog here, you would never forgive me, but if you are a glutton for punishment listen to her poem "Buttercup History". I enjoy a good laugh so please attempt to tell me with a straight face that the late Alex the Talking Parrot (R.I.P.) couldn't have run circles around her in a prose competition. If you really want your ears to bleed, check out her pathetic singing and guitar playing here on her never-will-be-a-hit single "Consequences of DNA".

Monday, February 14, 2011

Canoeing the Gowanus Cancer Canal and the Amazing Smudge Stick

New York State has an $8,000,000,000 budget gap. But thank god we are able to use taxpayer money to fund the amazing Gowanus Dredgers Canoe Club. This club runs free activities for anyone stupid enough to get in a boat and paddle in some of the most toxic water known to mankind. In their paddles up the canal, these urban boaters frequently find rotting dead animals among the garbage and toxic waste that has been dumped there over the past 150 years. Nothing really surprises me these days, but I was absolutely shocked that the Hipsters below allowed themselves to be photographed sans PBR.

"Hey Brandston this is so much more authentic than canoeing in that pristine lake back in Minnesota"
This Gowanus Dredgers Club is not so different from the parentally funded "artists" who built the Art Boat to spread their self-centered suburban "culture" to a people who have 10,000 year old recorded history. The operators know their client base, and thus cater to the pre-adolescent "look at me" desires of the Hipster community. One event they hold is called the Smudge Cleanse, in which a ritual bundle of herbs are lit to dissipate negative energy. Like yah, that bundle of sage and lavender will totally clean out the "bad energies" present in the toxic waste. I dare you to watch this video of the event without vomiting profusely.

Go take your white guilt elsewhere you Native American Culture Stealing Obama Button Wearing Piece of Uncultured Cul Du Sac Suburban Trash. Oleson seeks to "cleanse New York and it's residents of eco-destruction, election anxiety, gentrification, heterosexism, U.S. imperialism, classism, racism and greed." Why dont you stay home in your shitty whitebread racist suburb where you can clean your neighbors of the destruction caused by them driving their gas guzzling SUV from their unattached single family McMansion to their local strip mall? The best way for you to stop a gentrification is just kill yourself. YOU ARE THE GENTRIFICATION. This is New York Fucking City. We were built on hard work and greed. We like our heterosexism. Imperialism has made us into the dominant world city we are today. Take your hippy socialist crap back to the commune, cause we're not buying what you're selling. Maybe some of those stupid Hipsters over in Billyburg  will spend a few thousand out of their parents' retirement fund on your shitty post modern contemporary art, but no mater how many Smudge Sticks you burn, you will never, ever stop New Yorkers from bring greedy fucks nor remove the thousands of tons of toxic chemicals in our air, soil and water.

While I fully support the removal of all Hipsters by any means necessary, we cant just wait around for their trust funds to run out or for them all to get cancer from playing in a toxic waste dump. I propose driving the Hipsters from our great city and preventing any future Hipster infestation by changing the name of the Gowanus Canal to the Canal of Gentrification.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Weekend Activities for Hipsters

Hipsters have no need for a weekend as they are perpetually unemployed, yet they still find a need to celebrate with PBR's and cheap whiskey. A friend emailed me this forward she received about ACTUAL Hipster activities occurring this very weekend. If you are interested in attending any of the events, email me and I will be ashamed to know you. This horrible listeserve categorizes activities by verb: Listen, Drool, Amuse, Attend, Trim. I will add a final category that I wish all hipsters would follow; DIE! Hipsters have no problem lacking originality and following, so all we have to do is get the advice to DIE! on any hipster blog or twitter feed and by the end of the day you won't be able to walk five feet without kicking a dead hipster in their flannel beard. I haven't made any of this up, although I wish I did. They are so cultured and deck:

Listen: For $35, you can listen to a "former boy chorister" turn prayers for the Royal Navy into song. Themes for this performance are drawn from medieval and colonial English travel narratives.

Drool: The Brooklyn Brainery presents this workshop on ice cream making so you can know the differences between Philadelphia and French styles of churning and how to mix flavors like walnut rosewater and chocolate-coffee-bourbon.

Amuse: The Wii Plays- A group of talentless Hipsters present twelve original works inspired by Nintendo game titles such as Barbie as the Island Princess, Alien Monster Bowling League, and Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Winter Games.

Attend: The Housingworks Coffeeshop/bookstore hosts the informal "I like Your Glasses" party. This party is dedicated to missed connections and features readings of real and imagined intertrain romances and Internet misunderstandings. 

Trim: Bushwick’s Momo Sushi Shack transforms micro vegetables into miniature works of art for a bonsai-themed, five-course dinner. Entertainment includes a Minbu folk dance performance and DJ Saiko Mikan’s ’60s Japanese pop and ’90s Shibuya-kei selections.

 

Ex-Girlfriend Jeans

An old friend forwarded me this yesterday and I thought it was a joke. Unfortunately, it is real. Levi's Jeans, the orginal, most authentic jeans, have sold out to the filthy Hipster and are now marketing jeans to men who want to be women who want to be gay men. These jeans are so tight that they are actually inside this model's vagina. The statement you are making by wearing these pants is: "I am a female". But as a straight man, I would rather wear a dress, at least that would be comfortable.

For only $69.50 you too can hop on the Hipster bandwagon.  
Over 150 years ago Levi Strauss riveted rough wagon canvas together and sold that shit to miners who had yet to tame the frontier. He is now lending his name to a pair of jeans that can only be worn by someone with such a horribly emasculating self-defeating personality disorder, that they cause its wearer's testicless to be crushed as flat as the asses of their pasty midwestern Meghan girlfriends, destroying any chance of procreation. I can't hate this, as it can only be described as natural occurring malthusian population control playing out before our eyes.

OH SHIT! Levi Strauss WAS a Hipster- Check out that facial hair! But no, sorry, that facial hair was NOT ironic back in 1874. Lucky for Strauss, he died in 1902, over a hundred years before his famous Jeans suffered the humiliating bastardization into trendy tight pants for wannabe homosexuals.


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

We Are Really Dumb. For Real.

I always read Tuesday's NY Hipster Times so I can check out the Zionist slant they put on science. Yesterday's had two interesting articles. The first, "On Evolution, Biology Teachers Stray From Lesson Plan" discusses how only 28% of public high school biology teachers attempt to teach evolution correctly,13% preach creationism, while the middling 59% teach some sort of shitty inconclusive bastardization of science. The very next article that popped up was "Most New York Students Are Not College-Ready". According to the second article, 75% of NYC public high school grads who enroll in community colleges need to take remedial classes. I'm never shocked at government waste, especially throwing money into the cycle of shame known as our public education system, but wawaweewa. We pay undereducated idiot public school teachers to incorrectly teach the material. The students are allowed to graduate without a clue, and then we pay more teachers to reteach the same shit that had supposedly done been learned already. I place the blame solely on the parents for being disassociated lazy single parent entitled crybaby assholes. To all the parents out there, its not the school's job to make sure your kid learns, its your job. It's not a lack of funding that makes your kid fail at school and life, its your fault for sucking as a parent. Maybe those redneck creationist-teaching homeschooling assholes are right. Generation FAIL.



Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Equal Opportunity Hoggin

In honor of Black History Month, today's post is about a crime most often committed by white men. It must be a sign of improving race relations that we have seen a recent uptick in black men committing this heinous crime. In the past, this type of perverse shit was only perpetrated by mentally damaged white men. But as President Obama has proven, in 2011 a black man in America can accomplish anything a white man can. As Dr. King dreamed about, black men are no longer repressed to second class stereotypical black crimes such as mugging or car stereo theft. Welcome to the deviant big leagues my friends and equals.

The crime I speak about, of course, is having sex with domesticated animals. For generations, white people have been sick fucking bastards. Dogs, cats, chickens, pigs, cows, and horses are most typical used as bestial lovers, although theoretically a man could have sex with alomost any member of the animal kingdom. Mississippi resident Andrew Lee Nash was recently arrested for having sex with his neighbor's precious show hogs. Apparrently, he gave the hogs a vaginal infection. Nicely done Mr. Nash. After getting caught, he was released on $60,000 bond. When interviewed outside the court house, Mr. Nash said, "Damn! for 60 grand I coulda bought ten show hogs of my own to have sex with!" Mr. Nash faces a ridiculous 120 years in prison. Shit, I mean rape and murder of another human in most states is only 30 to life.

Andrew Lee Nash, a modern day Rosa Parks

Monday, February 7, 2011

The Gentrification Foundation

Last Friday I joined a group of Facebook called "Little Italy and San Gennaro Under Attack!" as a sign of support, as I go to the feast every year and I would hate to see a portion of it die off to appease a small group of gentrifying douchebags. This group arose as a natural response to the Yuppie Hipster Douches of "Nolita", who are petitioning Community Board 2 to shorten the San Gennaro Feast, cutting it off at Houston Street. Nolita was a term coined by realtors to rebrand the few blocks north of Little Italy in order to convince cultured mid-westerners that it was ok to locate their galleries and boutique t-shirt shops in Chinatown instead of neighboring Soho. The Feast has existed for 85 years, and while its religious purpose is to celebrate the Patron Saint of Naples, it serves mostly as a two week long block party where sweaty obese Italian Americans from Jersey and Long Island celebrate "the old neighborhood" by eating sausage and peppers and deep fried delicacies, and buying authentically Italian house and freestyle cd's, Jersey Shore paraphernalia, "Guido Parking Only" signs, "Kiss Me I'm Italian" t-shirts, and posters from classical Italian films such as Goodfellas, Godfather, and Scarface. I don't know why Italians love Scarface so much. I guess its probably the same reason black people and other protected minorities do; the glorification of violence and funny accents, and the storyline about a non-white dude who uses brutality and shrewdness to succeed in a country where it's hard to make it to the top you're not a well off white guy.

The Feast in more authentic grittier times


Anyway, I posted a comment pretending to be one of the gentrifiers, but I go over the top so no one with half a brain would think I was actually one of them. Apparently, I forgot that the internet is filled with mongoloid morons who take every word literally. Below is the facebook post chain, I removed the few posts from the three or four people intelligent enough who recognized the post was a joke, the rest of the content is 10000% Genuine. Wow, are people fucking stupid, especially the one chick Jennifer with her $250,000 law degree. Shitfuck.


Sam (Me):
3:40pm Feb 4
I own a boutique on Elizabeth street where I sell $140 Save Brooklyn t-shirts and Papier Mache art sculptures. We have been open for 4 months, and my business is much more important than an 85 year old street fair. My parents don't pay $4,000 a month for my 300 square foot studio for me to have to listen to street noise, and my $140,000 liberal arts degree means I am better than the people who have lived in this neighborhood for decades.
Anthony Fontana:
Hey Sam,,Who gives a fuck about you...... you couldn't be the shit under our shoes
John Zodda3:40pm Feb 4
HEY JERKOFF IT YOUR PEOPLE YOU SCUMBAG THAT COME HERE BREAK EVERY RULE AND GET AWAY WITH IT YOU PRICK GUYS LIKE YOU IF THEY WERE IN JAIL WOULD GET SCREWED IN THERE ASSHOLE
John Zodda3:41pm Feb 4
READ IT EVERYBODY THATS HOW YOU HANDLE SHIT YOU SHOVEL IT TO THE SIDE
Me: 
Mr. Zodda, I would love to meet you, you sound so urban and authentic! You may be interested in our "I LOVE TALKING IN ALL CAPS" clothing line. T-shirts start at $175 and hoodies cost only $440. For just a small portion of the allowance you get from your parents you too can belong to the hip crowd on Elizabeth street
Joseph Saccomanno3:49pm Feb 4
You just not acting right Sam.
John Zodda3:51pm Feb 4
WELL IF HE HAS BALLS HE COULD POST HIS ADRESS AND APT NO WELL SEE HOW REINED HE IS
Anna Iakoubtchik4:03pm Feb 4
Sam you should have thought about noise before you signed the lease. You're here four months, the feast is here for 85 years and its not going anywhere!
Me:4:08pm Feb 4
I think I will make some "Save the Feast" t-shirts and sell them to my gentrifying friends for $85 each. That way, when the feast is canceled my fellow gentrifiers and I can sit around and drink coffee and blog about how we lived here in grittier times. Thanks Anna for the awesome idea!
Jennifer Biondo4:08pm Feb 4
Sam...let me explain something to you....I live down the block from you in my $200 dollar a month INHERITED 1000 square foot, 2 bedroom, elevated apartment and we apologize that mommy and daddy pay your bills and its unfortunate that with your "$140,000" liberal arts degree, aka..I WENT TO SCHOOL TO PLEASE MY RICH MOMMY AND DADDY, resulted in your making toilet paper sculptures. In addition to my fabulous $200 a month apartment, my QUARTER OF A MILLION DOLLARS JURIS DOCTORATE trumps your useless degree you wasted money on to make "t-shirts" and toilet paper sculptures. So, with that said...ive lived here for 26 years and continue to live here...now please...tell tell me WHERE YOU ARE IN ANY MEANS BETTER THEN ME??? Ill come visit when I run out of toilet paper.

Anna De Chirico
4:09pm Feb 4
@ Sam, wrong page wrong subject to joke around . Have some respect for peoples cultures, beleifs, and SACRED Saints. Go play legally blond someplace else. Much luck to you and your business! 300 s.q @ $4,000.00? You are blessed with common sense! Congratulations!
Me:4:26pm Feb 4
Thanks Jennifer, I'm glad you appreciate my art! I cant wait to see you around the hood! However, I didnt spend any money on my degree, as I received a full scholarship from the Gentrification Foundation. They pay super cultured people like me to spread important culture in inner city neighborhoods. Next time we meet I will tell you all about the right way to use art to spread love, peace, and gentrification while crushing outdated local customs.
Andrew Amorosso4:29pm Feb 4
Only 2 things come out of Montana Sam..........

Jennifer Biondo4:32pm Feb 4
Sam...maybe you should have paid for yours because you would have more respect for yourself....as I have in myself...you want a biscuit for getting a scholarship? I didnt mention a scholarship...how do you know I don't have the same? Oh wait...you don't! I was just announcing my self worth!...What kind of "culture" are you? A cultivated potato planter from Idaho? And I would love to meet you!...Next time, you can teach me about molding toilet paper and I can teach you how to eat a Sausage and Peppers Hero off my food truck...or better yet...a Canoli from my stand in San Genarro. Stop by...the corner of Spring and Mott... 
Deborah Tardi-Montelbano4:34pm Feb 4
Clearly you are a nut Sam! Anyone who gets a full scholarship and chooses to "study" liberal arts is only good for playing with toilet paper. Didn't your parents teach you anything? Never waste free money Sam. And if you are from Montana you know nothing about culture, all you know about is horse shit!
Phyllis Pipoli Abreu4:35pm Feb 4
nice try Sam for one the San Gennaro Festival does not run along Elizabeth Street it runs through Mulberry Street so the noise you speak of has nothing to do with the feast it is the people like yourself who continue to open up bars and do not abide by the noise laws brooklyn Tee shirt both you and I know that so what that has to do with the Feast I do not know it should be taken up with them... second what not be important to you might be very important to someone else and visa versa no one cares what your parents pay for your rent again like it has been said many times knowing you would be paying such a high rent you should have thought twice about moving here and that our traditions were not going to stop because of what you pay for rent if it is such a bother to you where you come from awaits your return ..as for your 140.000 dollar education you could fool me the words you use such as your education makes you better than us only shows your ignorance as a matter of fact it saddens me that this sort of attitude would come from what you have been taught growing up do not get me wrong education is wonderful and both my children and grandchildren I wish and wished for them to have a good education but they also need to know know how to use it goes beyond books what we have cannot be taught sitting at a classroom desk or bought for all the money in the world so that 140.000 dollars you speak of I am sad to say was an investment gone bad because you were cheated n along Elizabeth Street it runs along Mulberry street so the noise you speak of is comming from people like yourself the business owners who do not respect the noise laws

Deborah Tardi-Montelbano4:37pm Feb 4
You would have been truly BLESSED to have grown up here! To know what family and friends are, to have customs & traditions that go back thousands of years is something you could never understand or appreciate even with you free education. Move while you can Sam.

Tina Bologna Apuzzo4:39pm Feb 4
Sam you need to save yourself.. Don't worry about saving Brooklyn.. It's hotter than ever.. You might be educated, but you have no common sense.. I'm sorry for you. You should be putting your energies and education into something worth while than to sell "Save Brooklyn T-Shirts"...lolol

Me:4:41pm Feb 4
Phyllis, you just inspired me to start a new clothing line. Its called we dont need no punctuation and it will be a vintage Pink Floyd design that I will sell for $220 to my gentrifying brothers and sisters. I cant wait to see you at the feast Jennifer, but I am a vegan. Do you have any soy sausage and peppers?

Jennifer Biondo4:44pm Feb 4
Wow what school did you go to Sam? You use double negatives while speaking...ENGLISH 101...and I got whateva you want Sammy Boy!....But after eating "soy" your your gonna need your toilet paper which has been clearly established you have alot of...
Tina Bologna Apuzzo4:48pm Feb 4
Sam, mangia merdaaaaaaaaa.. punta basta.

Andrew Amorosso4:49pm Feb 4
Hey Sam,so you have a degree, that's beautiful. Thermomoters have degrees, do you know where we put those? I don't believe a human being could attain the level of arrogance and ignorance that you pretend to have achieved. Be part of the solution sam( go home) or be part of the problem( get sent home). But the truth is, I don't believe your REAL. What makes the rest of the people on this comment trail different than you is we are without a doubt, 100% as REAL as it gets. Now you can make a t shirt , you can entitle the line " nobody ever paid me attention so I moved to new York and tried to be cool, but I couldn't figure out how to be Real" and I guarantee you, you will sell 50,000 of them at the upcoming feast. Now do us all a favor and go piss up a rope.
Me:4:58pm Feb 4
"we dont need no punctuation" is the name of my new clothing line that I will sell to fellow gentrifiers. Jennifer, you must have gotten into NYU undergrad due to their affirmitive action quota, as I know "alot" smarter people that went there. I see you go to NY Law, the Metropolitan College of Law Schools. Thanks for the ideas Andrew! My fellow gentrifiers will love those t-shirts.
Louis Caruso5:08pm Feb 4
sam thamamaters has degrees to.

Louis Caruso5:11pm Feb 4
Sam stick your shirts up your ASS.


This is when I found out I had been kicked out of the group. Oh well, I am on to the next inner city neighborhood that needs my authentically deck culture. I just want to thank all the good people at the Gentfrication Foundation for their financial support.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Gowanus Cancer Canal & The Horrible Art Boat

I'm not sure what is more of an environmental pollutant here, the cancer causing carcinogens in the water and sediment of the Gowanus Canal or the parentally funded Hipsters polluting the streets of our great city. Yesterday's NY Times featured an article confirming the threat the Gowanus poses to public health, especially to the papier mache artists/baristas/production assistant bloggers who have chosen to have repeated contact with its toxic waters. The hordes of socially underdeveloped 20-somethings who arrive armed with useless $140,000 liberal arts degrees simply see this uber authentically deck industrial background as their adult playground, not the extremely hazardous toxic waste dump that it actually is.

These suburban morons happen to find the most polluted tract of land in America on which to build their "Sculptural Rivercraft". I present the newest useless Hipster toy: the Gowanus Art Boat. I could not fucking make this shit up if I tried. So this shitty ramshackle raft that basically looks like a larger scale version of something I might have hammered together in my grandfather's woodshop when I was five years old, is now being used for an art, champagne and oyster bar in the midst of a fucking toxic waste dump? Can I get some extra mercury with my polychlorinated biphenyls? Thanks, Tyler. So deck of you.

Says Meghan: "I'll have some extra cancer with my deck scarf"
But the ridiculousness doesn't end here. They plan on shipping the boat to India and floating it down the Ganges. At least the Ganges, the communal sink and toilet of 500 million Indians, is cleaner and smells better than the Gowanus Canal. The artists plan on sailing their "boat" down to the city of Varanasi, where they will present "visual and musical events in collaboration with local musicians." That is, if they havent all died from acute lukemia by then. Does anyone else find this plan beyond crazy? 400 million Indians live in abject fucking poverty! They cant feed themselves, the last thing they want to see if Brook and Josh sailing down the Ganges in their ART BOAT.

"Dear Vishnu, I pray that you send me an Art Boat built by privileged upper middle class douchebags so that I have something to admire while I take a dysentery ridden shit in my corpse-filled drinking water."

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Happy Black History Month Day Three

This card is racist!  Watch your back you black Hos! I am not surprised that Hallmark, Walgreens and CVS have capitulated to this hysterical nonsense. Just use some common sense NAACP, and put your efforts to good use.


Want to help black women? How about addressing REAL problems? Epidemiologists noted in a recent article in Obesity that  “At the current rate of increase, it will take less than 30 years for all black women to become overweight or obese." Or maybe the NAACP should work on the fact that single black women have a median net value of $5. These are just two of the hundreds of more pressing problems afflicting the black community here in the U.S.

Shit. Come on NAACP, you can do better than whining about a greeting card that a 90 year old lady complained about cause she thought it called her a nasty skanky dried up ho bag.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Welcome to Black History Month!

It is highly offensive and Racist that February was designated as Black History Month (BHM), as it has only 28 days compared to the 30 or 31 days of all other months. Why are blacks given a second class month? Is this to reinforce their status as second class citizens? I call for a boycott of February and instead be issued a primary month, like January. January is the first month, as blacks were the first people out of Africa. January also contains Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day and Haitian Independence Day, as well as the birthdays of Cuba Gooding Jr., Butterfly McQueen, George Foreman, Mary J. Blige, Howard Stern, Joe Frazier, LL Cool J, Aaliyah, Dwayne Wade, Michelle Obama, Huddie Ledbetter, Hakeem Olajuwon, Muhammed Ali, James Earl Jones, Tiffani Amber Thiessen, Tatyana Ali, Alicia Keys, the greatest leader of black men; Drew Brees, obviously Oprah Winfrey, and finally, an individual who has done more to reunite black families than anyone else; Maury Povich. I also call for the renaming of January to better reflect black culture. Blackuary should do, but I'm sure someone can thing of a better name. In addition, 5% of the month must be set aside to study and worship the elite members of the black community known as Five Percenters.

For the last 34 years February has been designated BHM in order to raise cultural awareness of the black diaspora. The fact that blacks hail from Africa, the Caribbean, South America, Australia, and all corners of the globe; with hundreds if not thousand of separate cultures, religions, and mores is besides the point. The point is to celebrate blackness in America.

Also known as White Guilt Awareness Month, BHM was designed to "celebrate all that is good about black culture and to instill in them a sense of pride in their race". Without comparing the rates of crime, education, income, abortion, marriage, and various other social markers, I can safely say, in regard to the second part of the mission as proven by this video, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED: