Thursday, March 31, 2011

Attention: Japan does not need help


According to the NY Hipster Times, we should NOT donate to help Japan deal with the aftermath of the earthquake, tsunami, and nuclear disaster that collectively that killed over 20,000 Japs. We must send our donations to Haiti, since they have a greater need. I love how the article implies that the Red Cross and other greedy charities raced to line their pockets with donations as soon as possible immediately following the disaster. So since the Japs are a "proud people" and don't ask for help, we shouldn't provide it.

Meanwhile in Haiti, standards of living are up (except for the 300,000 Haitians killed in the earthquake). After moving from shack to rubble in a few seconds of earthquake, it took only a little over a year for every aid agency and assisting government to help Haiti build up to tents and tarps. But most of the Haitians that could move back to their slum house continue to choose not to. They dont really have a great future in either location, so they might as well get attention from aid groups, free food and rent out of it.

Haiti has been an independent republic for over 200 years, but are still reliant on foreign welfare. So back to the Japs, do you want to donate money so some Jap can rebuild his 38 square foot bamboo and paper house so he can go back to working 80 hours a week doing math or whatever, or pay Haiti to continue doing the same nothing that they have been doing as an independent republic for the past 200 years? As grandma said, "everyone leaves the Haitians alone. They're black. I mean very black, even regular black people don't marry them."

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Clothing For Holocaust Survivors & Starving Africans

Please help Artist/Designer Katy Hoelck make her fashion line, like, a reality for only, like, $2,000! Like yah! The clothing was "inspired by California wildfires" and of course uses an ECO-FRIENDLY "patented heat transfer dye technique that uses no water in its process"!!!!! Nevermind that the clothing will be produced in a Shanghai sweatshop, whatevs, its ECO FRIENDLY!

Don't you think someone who can afford $17,700 PER SEMESTER to afford Parsons could afford a couple more thousand to put her life's work into practice? I'm sure Katty will have a job waiting for her when she is done with school.... This horrible line of clothing appears as if it has been designed with Holocaust Survivors, Rwandan Refugees or poor people in mind. Not "American Poor" as in they live in the projects and eat McDonalds every day and weigh 300 lbs by the time they begin puberty at age 9. Actual poor people. Like in India or Africa who have to sell their youngest babies to buy food for their other babies.

But wait...pledge $30 NOW and get a free order of tasteless vegan organic cookies!

San-Diego-Born-NewYork-Transplant Katty Hoelck
I'm not going to be a complete dick and link to her facebook page, which is completely public (look at meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!) I sort of feel bad, I dont think "Katty" ever had a chance.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Nora the Disengenuous White Liberal Douche Malone (Happy Friday)

In light of recent terrorist activities in Israel this week including the murder of three children in their beds and the bus bombing in which a 60 year old British missionary was killed, it is the perfect time to shed light on the terrorist supporting activities of Nora The Disingenuous While Liberal Carroll Gardens Douche Malone. I came across this link begging for $$ to fund her trip to Gaza to make a liberal propaganda film so I emailed her:

Dear Ms. Malone:

I would like to fund your entire campaign to Gaza under one simple condition; you promise to stay there and never set foot in New York City ever again. If you believe that the U.S. is waging a joint war with Israel against poor Palestinians and Muslims worldwide, you should really make that fact be known and not hide behind your campaign for "Palestinian human rights". As hard as you may try, nothing you do or say will dam the torrential rivers of white guilt that surge through your veins. I am unaware as to how you found yourself wallowing in this cesspool of left wing propaganda. I imagine that at some point you were misled by a troubled child from the "Religion of Peace" who blamed America and Israel for his/her predicament, and thus, so did you. You are an ignorant, self absorbed phony that cares not about Gaza or any Palestinians.

She emailed back: 

Thank you for your generous offer to completely fund my campaign to go to Gaza. Please do put the check in the mail as soon as possible. $7,000 would cover airfare, tapestock, accommodation for 4 months. Please make check out to Nora Malone, 249 Smith Street # 186, Brooklyn, NY 11231.  For tax-deductible contributions please submit check to my film's fiscal sponsor, Women Make Movies, Inc.  Of course I'd prefer a direct check as WMM will take 7%.

Sincerely,
Nora Malone
MFA, Film and Media Arts Temple University 2003
www.noramalone.net
Cell 267 241 0405

I told this "Master of Fine Arts" that her initial offer was $1,600 to go to Gaza, and she could not extort me for $7,000. Why should I pay for her lodging? The Palestinians should put her up just fine if she was making a real effort in their favor and not using them to advance herself. After this she said she was reporting me to the NYPD. I told her I'm sure the fellas down at the 76th Precinct (Carrol Gardens, one of the richest, whitest, crime-free hoods in the city) would most assuredly chip in to get rid of her whiny liberal ass. I wonder if she ever filed that report.

 

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Hipsters Exit Here:

I wish the off-ramp for Exit 1893 led directly into a car shredder. That would be so authentic.


Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Sustainable Bullshit

Sustainable. Organic. Fair Trade. Sustainable. Organic. Fair Trade. Sustainable. Organic. Fair Trade. The mantra of the modern disingenuous white liberal yuppie hipster douche.

Check out this site where you can buy eco-friendly Jewelry: Loving Each Other and Loving The Planet. A Marriage in Values. We oppose diamond mining, with the unconscionable human and ecological sacrifice it extracts. With the availability of equivalent synthetics to handle cultural and industrial needs, mining of diamonds is simply no longer needed. By retraining diamond miners to earn non-mining livelihoods, we could help communities make a transition to sustainable and ecologically responsible economies.

Don't you think if the starving Africans had a better way to feed their family they would do it?  But they don't have a better option. Its Africa. Its hot. They're hungry and AIDS ridden. And its all The CIA's fault. So while the government target of your white guilt may be appropriate, you're still a fucking moron thinking that people will stop wanting to own diamonds because some African 8,000 miles away gave his life for it. And so the poor people of Africa work in a fucking mine. Just like the poor people of China, India, Mexico, Pakistan, Nevada, Virginia, and every other state or country in the whole world work in mines. Let's just retrain them all and everyone can work in an office or a food coop like me! No. They cant. There will always be someone poorer than you digging fucking ore with their bare hands earning less than the guy who delivers your dry cleaning.

I wonder how many diamond miners have been retrained and what will they be retrained to do? Make organic sustainable jewelry with recycled metals? Nope, sorry. Disingenuous white liberal yuppie hipster douches have a choke hold on that industry.

Africa is just missing one critical ingredient that will help spur its transformation into the next global superpower. For Africa to assume its place amongst the world's technological and economic elite all it needs is ................................. ........................................... ................................................ ................... .............. ............................... ...................BIKE LANES!!!!


Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Anti-Hipster Rally: Saturday, March 26th

On March 26th, please join me and the angry residents of Little Italy at the anti-Hipster rally on Mulberry Street to protest the gentrification of Nolita. The rally will take place this Saturday, March 26th from 1:00pm - 4:00pm beginning with a unicycle solidarity ride Hipster stomping march from Mulberry and Canal Streets to the Old St. Patrick's Youth Center on Mulberry Street between Prince Street and Houston Street. Don't forget your brickbats and collapsible batons. We will be stomping out Hipsters left and right and sending them back to North Oklahomaconsin.


Here is a link with more info about the rally. It starts officially at 1PM, so I suggest we meet up by 9:30 AM at the very latest in order to drink as much non-ironic alcohol as possible before the rally starts.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Happy Monday!

I took this picture a few months ago on another rainy Monday morning. This amazing sign was taped up on the bus stop across from my building. I love the projects almost as much as I love Hipsters.

I love the smiley faces in the exclamation marks :)

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Hipster Boycott

A few months ago we began a plan to eliminate all Hipsters; The Final Solution for Hipsters. We have made some progress but have not yet destroyed the Hipster. Help the cause by signing this petition.

The next stage is to boycott the brands below that cater to Hipsters by using them in their advertising campaigns. I don't want to see Hipsters on the street, so what asshole 23 year old advertising executive thinks I want to hear or see them on television? I left off the list any obviously Hipster brand such as American Apparel, hats that look like animals, Apple, Urban Outfitters, MTV or the NY Times.

In alphabetical order, this is what we have come up with so far. Please feel free to add your suggestions in the comments section. Thank you and remember, there is always a NON-HIPSTER ALTERNATIVE!

Blackberry Style & Torch
Ford
Heineken
Honda
Hyundai
Levi's
McDonalds
Miracle Whip
Nexus S
Old Spice
Smirnoff
Sprint
State Farm
T-Mobile
Tommy Hilfiger
Volkswagen
Zune

One thing I noticed is that you can't watch 5 minutes of TV without seeing a commercial for shampoo, laundry detergent, or another type of cleaning product. These items NEVER use Hipsters in their advertising. I'm not sure if it is because Hipsters don't purchase cleaning products, or because normies don't want to take cleaning advice from filthy Hipsters.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

BREAKING NEWS!!! Worst Artist Ever Discovered!

I had to postpone Phase 2 of the Final Solution as promised yesterday, as I have discovered the Worst. Artist. EVER! A few weeks ago I thanked my cousin for inspiring me to start this blog. I included a link to some of her horrendous music and poetry, but I have just now discovered, that solely through her own self promotion, she has earned the world's title of Worst. Artist. EVER! This decision was not made lightly. Below is a picture she drew based on Led Zeppelin's "Going to California" which includes the lyrics: "Someone told me there's a girl out there with love in her eyes and flowers in her hair." This is what she came up with when she started to "visualize the songs instead of hearing them, imagining the verses and phrases as pictures.....a series of paintings"


I am honestly at a loss for words. Why a 30 year person who calls herself an artist would think this drawing is good enough to post on the internet is beyond me. You can see she really put some effort and deep thought into the the meaning of "Love in her eyes" by writing the words LOVE in the eyes.


Just a few quick changes, and I made her picture INFINITELY BETTER:

Hippie Megatron
With Pentagrams in Her Eyes and Skulls in Her Hair



Monday, March 14, 2011

The Plan to Eliminate Hipsters is Working!!

It Has Begun!!! Last Quarter we saw Urban Outfitters stock value decrease 16%, as suburban shoppers have decided they desire blood circulation in their legs, not this. Tomorrow, I will roll out Phase 2 of the Final Solution.

In addition to my embargo, Die Hipster has set his traps around post-gentrification Brooklyn. The two-pronged attack will catch Hipsters vulnerable, as the backlash to their imminent nasally whining is sure to be swift and violent.

To Ethan/Tyler/Meghan/Tuscany/Brook- The end is near for your unicycordion!!!

Friday, March 11, 2011

The Hipster Institute of Technology

Yeah, I went to H.I.T. At first you may think the graphics of this video aren't authentically deck enough, but its, like, uber ironic. Like Yah. It's only, like, $36,000 per semester, but I got a scholarship from the Gentrification Foundation.

Also, Nick and Nora and everyone on their Infinite Hipster Playlist should all die.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

URBAN OUTFITTERS IS NOT URBAN!

It is less than urban (sub-urban) and is simply a shitty store in your local strip mall that sells shit to morons who want to appear "cultured". Just because it had roots as a second hand store doesn't make it "authentic". They sold out decades ago to extract money from its source; the wallets of suburban parents.

Some of their clothes are kind of funny, like when they mock Jews, Blacks or people with eating disorders, but the funniest aspect about Urban Outfitters is their hypocrisy. They are a publicly traded company whose shares are valued at over $30 (personally, I would invest in this $40 "art") and sell "I survived the Bush Administration" t-shirts. If by "surviving", they mean successfully expanding to every corner of the earth, than fuck yeah, they "survived" quite well. On January 1st, 2001 Urban Outfitters stock (URBN) was listed at $1.03. Thank god they were able to just barely eke out their meager existence over the next 8 years, reaching a high of $36 in 2008. The Bush years were just horrible to Urban Outfitters, their 5,000+ employees, 180 stores spread across 6 continents, $1.8 billion in revenue and $1.3 billion of assets.

To add to the hypocrisy, they sell $25 Che Guevara t-shirts yet restrict their workers from organizing. In 2009, the Sweden store fired all their workers for attempting to unionize so they would be eligible to collect overtime and insurance. That is so cultured and deck, they might as well buy a few Guatemalan families on the black market and chain them up inside overnight Walmart style. At least Walmart is honest about their low income clientele and keeping costs down, and doesn't try to sell fake "vintage" homeless people clothing that you could purchase at Salvation Army for 1/10th the price. But then again, Salvation Army doesn't have shareholders to report to.

Anyone who shops at Urban Outfitters should fucking die.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The Toddlerization of America

I'm sure you have all seen your local Fauxhemian strolling around drinking coffee and wearing one of these hats over the past few months. I think the hats are adorable on actual children aged 2-6 years old, but not so much on the 20-30 year old dependent liabilities who behave like children. No, you dont look like an artist, you look like a douche. A douche with a panda on his head. And no, they are not "sustaibable" or "free trade". Some 9 year old Chinese girl in a windowless room was just paid $.04 to knit 600 of those "unique" hats. I'm shocked that I haven't seen a Josh or Meghan walking around wearing one of these hats, they are way more attention grabbing.

But what just made me puke a little was the category of hats called "Urban Streetwear". "Urban" is the culture of cities.  Look at Tyler on his abandoned couch looking "urban". Almost as urban as a $40 40oz.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Ellen Frances & Her Stupid Kid both Suck

A buddy forwarded a link to a random Hipster's blog. After checking it out, my first thoughts were, "she's not so bad, her art is kind of decent and she has a job." But after reading a little more, her true selfish hipster colors show true. She is a single parent and has named her child Oona Moon. Onna I'm Fucking More Special than any Goddam Shitbrick That Ever Lived Moon Frances. Just like the rest of the kids on the Hanna Sennesh Community Day School playground. Right.

How is this person the Creative Director at MSG and the one charged with designing a new logo? It will probably look like a silkscreened bedbug drinking free trade coffee in a papier mache model of a $16,000 South-East-East Billyburg loft.

She wrote on her shit blog: "being a single mom and going through my pregnancy alone I felt empowered after I pushed her out. I felt amazing and so glad I had left BD out of it. It was the most important day of my life. Looking back to the moment of her birth I wish I could have paused it just to take it all in more... It is the greatest thing I have ever done for myself."

So she left BD out and is happy about that. Gee, I wonder if BD stands for Baby Daddy???? So basically this selfish whore got knocked up and played it off as "empowerment"! HAHAHHA Even so, its still ALL. ABOUT. HER. She uses the words "I" or "my"  nine times in three sentences. ME ME ME ME MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! So I told her she was a selfish moron, but she deleted the following comment on her blog that was inspired by my legal adviser: "That kid with the ridiculous name is no more than an accessory to you that you can walk around in her Mclaren stroller and socialize with all the other like minded moms who are just as annoying and self righteous as you are and talk about how empowered you are." 

Planned Parenthood has failed us.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Hipster Radio

Tuesday nights at Pratt Radio these two moron Hipster girls have their own show where they discuss horrible Hipster nonsense. So I called in as Nasally Tyler from, like, Wisconsin but I've been, like, in Brooklyn for two months. I hang around Pratt and like, do art.

I was kind of caught off guard at being on the air immediately, so I couldnt shame them as much as I would have liked, but I'll be more prepared next week. I love how the one girl says she HATES the stupid animal hats, but then says she LOVES hers, as she was so originally authentic and has had it since freshman year (1-2 years ago?). My personal highlight is when I tell them to go work at Wal Mart and put those art degrees to some good use. Also, we have confirmed Bangs (as if there was really any doubt).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=theDAT-WCOg