Hipster Church

Last month I told you about the Hipster Synagogue. Now we have a Hipster Church too. 37 year old ordained minister Gage Jung said "We're not trying to make a church like the one your parents went to. We're trying to make a church for our generation". Dude, you're 37. Your parents are probably senior citizens. It's time to grow the fuck up. He added that he doesn't want to have a regular church, "It has to be different. We don't want to be like everyone else,". Of course you don't, that would be sooooo fin. You just have to be "unique". Just like the 150,000 othe "unique" L-train riding, trustafarian Vegan DJ baristas living in parentally subsidized Billyburg lofts wearing the same kaffiyah, red beard, and wool hats and scarves in the middle of summer..

"It's going to be tough trying to convince people that we're authentic, but people will know that we are real," YOU ARE NOT AUTHENTIC! You are just trying to get people to pay attention to you, which is the only thing hipsters. people will not just "know" you are real. They read this article and "know" you are a joke. The only thing this church does differently is members use a bible app on their iphones instead of using an actual bible and mingle over "indie music and donuts" Those donuts better be gluten free organic and sustainable or I call shenanigans.

Hipster Minister in his best $265 Summer Wool Cap

Justice has been served

I'm sure many of you heard about the woman who was arrested for talking on her cellphone in a Amtrak silent car. This type of shit just drives me crazy, as I take public transportation almost every day and am exposed to rude, arrogant or ignorant people. That's why I got myself one of these handy dandy illegal cell phone blockers from China. (This American  site is expensive but look around the web and the Chinese sites are a fraction of the price) For about $50, you can enjoy a circle of silence around you. Sometimes I go weeks without having to use it, but when I do want it it is there for me. I am not a complete dick so I give people a minute or two to finish up their conversation before I use the jammer, as many people use their phone to make arrangements to pick up their kids and other important stuff.  I also will use my phone on the subway or bus but make sure after a minute to say, "I'm on the subway/bus, I will call you back later".

One thing I have noticed over the past few years of using this device is that  while most people I have to use the jammer on is women, the women seem to come from every ethnic background. It is just as likely I will use it on Mexican women on the bus in Sunset Park, a Orthodox Jewish woman in Boro Park, a yappy Italian/Greek on the express bus, or any ethnicity teenager anywhere in the city. I love watching the angry/confused look on their face when they get zero bars in the middle of an in depth conversation about some nonsense. I urge you all to get one today. They are also useful for teachers or anyone else who needs to command the undivided attention of a room full of people.

First Annual African American National Spelling Bee Championship

No, this is not a joke where contestants spell in ebonics (although that would be funny, maybe we should start one???). It is an actual event to boost the self esteem of poorly performing black students. What a joke. Just because girls and black kids cant spell doesn't mean they should have their own competition where everyone wins. According to Houston news outlet ktrh:

Dozens of Houston area kids will be competing for scholarships and other prizes this weekend, but we still know little, if anything about the 1st African-American Spelling Bee Championships being held Saturday in Houston.

Organizers did not return phone calls from KTRH News seeking an update on the event.

We first brought you this story two months ago, and it sparked a heated on-air debate between KTRH talk show host Michael Berry and the spelling bee's Jackie Terrell on why African-American children should have a separate competition from the more popular Scripps National Spelling Bee.

"You're telling these young black children you're not good enough to compete, you don't have the parental support and school support, so we'll create something you can win," said Berry.  "They have a trophy that's meaningless, there's no honor in that."

Terrell fired back saying "There is honor in that, we're creating an opportunity they wouldn't otherwise have."

What a joke. 

Hipsters Setting the Bar High Again

I don't go to the movies often because paying $30 to sit in a bedbug infested theater and watch another Nicholas Cage blockbuster is just not that enjoyable to me. Some people do love going to the movies because of the experience. A big bucket of popcorn, soda, and a huge screen are all good things.

Now that God has sent us the Hipster to show us how to live our lives in the most authentically deck way possible, there is no longer a need to go to the megaplex. Just hop on your fixie and find the nearest alley. The "ethos of the movement" and mob flash style organizing will make sure the alley is packed by red bearded Ethans and housedress wearing Meghans within minutes. If there are no homeless people smoking crack in the alley, set up your authentically deck projector and pop that crappy euro indie film nonsense on the reel. The event will be hosted by Forking Tasty’s blogging brothers, who are serve some local artisanally made cinema-inspired popcorn with flavors like A Streetcar Named Desire (Cajun), Indiana Jones (garam masala), Goodfellas (Parmesan and parsley), and Austin Powers (salt and vinegar). (Rumor is there is a fifth flavor with duck fat and truffle salt).

If you are interested in more information about this event, please handcuff yourself and jump into the East River.

Cyberbullying is not working, bring back REAL BULLYING!

Back in the day when our society imposed morals, stigma helped ensure each family had two parents and people ate enough food to survive but not eat so much as to actually fuse themselves to their recliner because they are too fat to stand. Although we have progressed so far in science, technology and human rights, our moral compass of what is right and wrong has just fallen so fucking far off the map. We need to BRING BACK STIGMA, and bring it back hard!

Stigma has helped address moral issues in the past, from those colonial whores (The Scarlet Letter) to our modern fight to reduce cigarette use. But nothing pisses me off more than fat kids. Doritos for breakfast, pizza topped with ranch dressing for 1st lunch, roast beef with mayo for 2nd lunch and philly cheese steak with a side of onion rings for 3rd lunch eating fat fucking obese monsters. Just this morning I saw some little TIN (Thug In Training) at the deli using his gummint bemefits card to buy 8 bags of Doritos for breakfast. And dont give me that bs, "there is no fresh fruits or veggies marketed to underserved neighborhood" nonsense. There is a supermarket right next door. Eat a banana. Or an apple. Its two thousand and fucking 11. Even poor people can watch Dr. oz telling them fat=bad. they can use this thing called the internet. I know obese poor people use the internet it because of the existence of websites such as craigslist and world star hip hop. So use it to visit one of the thousands of sites that show you how to not be fat.

Research has shown that one third of overweight girls and a quarter of overweight boys have been subject to bullying either through physical aggression, verbal teasing, or social seclusion. Maybe if stigma held a real meaning like it did back in the day these fat kids might think, "Hey, there IS something wrong with me. Maybe I shouldnt eat that whole box of oreos every single night before bed".

The same study showed Obese children who are bullied, teased or harassed are more likely to experience depression and have a higher incidence of suicidal thoughts. These children also are less likely to voluntarily engage in the very exercise, nutrition and fitness programs that could help restore their good health. REALLY!!!!!!!!!!! Fat kids are averse to nutrition and exercise?? I never would have thought.

Peer bullying can start as early as preschool. Preschool! So even a 4 year old knows there is something wrong with eating more food than a small African village eats in 3 months. Why does this stigma not translate into less fat people? Because bullies these days aren't cutting it. Cyberbullying, this 21st century form of bullying just isn't getting the job done. We need more bullying, more stigma and less obesity. For more on why obesity is fucking horrible, please read this article.

This appetizer before breakfast is amazing!!

I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant (teen edition)

There are thousands if not hundreds of thousands of different reasons why fat and stupid people should not have children. As proof of the exploding global population, we have seen a huge increase in obesity related disease such as diabetes and heart disease, as well as NASCAR and NHL fans. According to my scientific estimates, there are 5.9 billion excess people present on earth. This is unsustainable and totally not organic!

Teen Mom Amber Fatwood and her 400 lb baby daddy are the proud parents of fat white trash baby Leah. Amber got this tattoo to "prove how much she loves her baby so she never loses custody again". This teen mom is so disgusting that she leaked nude photos of herself and the entire internet shut itself down. She wants to be a "pinup model". I think she is more likely to be a Nobel Prize inning chemist or Pulitzer Prize winning author, but most likely to be a Walmart greeter. Her body isn't horrible, its her face that makes me want to punch my corneas with ice picks. Her body is only halfway decent because she is 17. Give her 3 more years + 3 more kids + more jail time and shell be pushing 350 lbs.

Pay Attention to Me Hipster Beards

Sometimes a facial hair style comes along that is just so much more awesome than any that preceded it. This is not one of those times. The newest hipster facial hair style, the Monkeytail, is just so much worse than any of its forefathers. It is now the preferred Hipster facial hair style, as it will prevent them from ever having meaningful employment.

Original Monkeytail

The Striped Monkeytail

Duckface Monkeytail Douchebag Combo