Party of the Year!

Brandston the Artisnal Hipster Douche <3's his l><l

I was out of NYC for just one week and missed the party of the year, the 2011 Jazz Age Lawn Party that took place on Governors Island last weekend. "Party like it’s 1929 at this daytime fete, where attendees wear period attire, Lindy Hop to live jazz, sip St-Germain cocktails, and play tug-of-war." Fuck you NY Times Party of the year. This year was the largest in the six years that the Jazz Age Lawn Party has been taking place, and that's not hard to believe when you consider the ever rising numbers of leisure class Hipster douchebags infesting the City. Where else would Ethan the Emaciated Knitting Emcee and Meghan the Slutty Bisexual Apprentice Carpenter find themselves on a rainy summer afternoon but at a theme party harkening back to the leisure class party days of the 1920's."the valiant crew of mixologists finally ran out of booze just after 4 pm". You mean they threw a shitty party and ran out of beer a few hours after the party started. The party of the year indeed.

Yet Another Bike Lane Douche

I saw this Dickface on NY1 last week and tried to block out his "documentary". Unfortunately, someone emailed me this link over the weekend reminding me of this strategic douchebaggery. Dickface got a ticket for riding his bike outside an allowed bike lane. Many of us who live in NYC have received at least one ticket for minor quality of life issues such as drinking in public, riding a bike or spitting on the sidewalk, or walking in between subway cars. We all know the City needs money and this petty fine system makes the City billions each year, paying the salaries of our civil servants.

Most of us take our tickets in stride, vowing not to get caught being stupid again. But not Ohio Dickface McBicycle. He turns his $20 fine into a Movement. A Crusade to prove the stupid people and police of NYC wrong. CLEAR THOSE BIKE LANES OR ELSE, Ohio Dickface is in town! This 45 year old man-child decides he must document his tantrum by riding his bike through the bike lanes no matter what is blocking his way. He does not describe the situation which caused him to get his original ticket, but I am assuming the bike lane was wide open and he chose to ride his bike elsewhere.

Watch at 2:50 where he veers into the cop car that is slightly protruding into the bike lane, (not really blocking it at all). Dude had to purposely crash into the cop car. This guy is so full of shit. I hope a wood chipper is blocking his next bike lane. Just because the NYPD is not paid to use common sense and writes tickets to everyone like its going out of style doesn't mean that everyone else should just act like a four year old.

Why I am not a Hipster

When my friends really want to insult me they use the worst of terms. They do not call me a Jew Faggot Kike Nigger Donkey Raping Shiteater. They call me a Hipster. A Dirty Hipster. There is nothing more insulting than being called this horrible term. It is such an offensive term, it should not be spoken or written out. If it must be said, call it the H word, and if it must be written, spell it like this: H*****r. I was so offended at being called a H*****r, I thought, maybe I AM one. I have weird hair, a tattoo, and lived in Brooklyn for 2 years. I have several trademarks of a H*****r. Then I remembered my friends were assholes and were just trying to get me to kill myself, as all H*****rs should do. I remembered my hair is awesome, my tattoo is non-ironic, and I lived in Brooklyn only after being priced out of my Lower East Side hood (if  I was a H*****r I would have called it a "Nabe").

I also have many attributes that do not classifty me as a H*****r. I have a job. I like art and music, but not that garbage on Kickstarter. I think if you went to any art school ever, you wasted your time and money. I think the Salvation Army exists for low income people, not for people to appear low income. I think tight pants are stupid. I think Williamsburg and Greenpoint should be populated by blacks, Hasids, Poles and immigrants, not Meghans, Tylers Brooks and Harrisons from Ohio. And most importantly I love NYC because I grew up here, not because it is cool to love NY.

It is not a phobia if it is a rational fear

I love this guy, even if he hates me.

The Worst Parents In the World!!!!

Yes, that's four exclamation marks bad. There is so much wrong here, and naming their three kids Jazz, Kio and Storm is just the tip of the iceberg. THESE HORRIBLE PARENTS decided to raise a "Gender neutral baby" Not because the kid has both sex organs, but as "a tribute to freedom and choice in place of limitation, a stand up to what the world could become in Storm's lifetime". I'm sure many of you read about these parents already, but I was so disgusted that I had to sit on this blog for a couple of weeks.

The mother adds “In fact, in not telling the gender of my precious baby, I am saying to the world, ‘Please can you just let Storm discover for him/herself what s (he) wants to be?!.” What a narcissistic attention demanding piece of shit. 

No, people dont just discover these things. People must be taught social constructs. Constructs that include sexuality, gender, gender role and all that other nonsense I learned about in mandatory sensitivity training. I wonder how these parents will feel when Storm discovers his/her sexuality at age 6 in some dude's van because that's what s/he wanted and s/he wouldn't let society tell him/her what to do because his/her parents never taught them how to behave. You can also turn your kids loose and let a wolfpack raise them. Maybe they will survive as feral children. Even if they discovered how to kill a rabbit with their bare hands it wasn't all on their own, they learned that shit from the pack leader. Ceaser Milan taught me you have to be a pack leader for your kids, dogs, whatever. As the leader, you set the moral and physical pace for the pack. These parents pace is the typical DWL Hipster mantra of "whatever".

These parents are purposely socially retarding their children to be androgynous Hipster shitstains. 

The mother shockingly practices unschooling. Unschooling is the practice of letting your kids homeschool themselves, which is only the thrird or fourth dumbest thing that these parents are doing. Way to set them up for a lifetime of fail.

Thank you Governor Scott

Florida Governor Rick Scott recently signed a bill yesterday that requires government entitlement benefit applicants to undergo drug testing. Thank you Governor Scott for helping to bring back stigma. It is not ok to subsidize the lives of drug users. We will not use our taxpayer dollars to free up disposable income for drug users. I'm not against drugs, just like I'm not anti smoking, anti-cellphone, anti-pets or kids. But if you want those things, you should be able to afford them without government benefits.

Of course the Nazi-loving establishment-hating ACLU instantly filed suit, claiming the bill invades privacy. You know what else invades privacy? Some drug addict single mother with 9 kids dipping her hand into my wallet to pay for her food, clothing, shelter and cigarettes while we pay her sister/mother/ cousins to foster her other 6 kids.

The Rambling of an Insane Prophet

Remember that old high school taboo? The one that felt so good when we violated it; made us call our friends and stand an inch taller when we walked down the street? The very same taboo that dragged us sheepishly to 18+ clubs when we were already 23, maybe pushing 30 . . .

That’s right; banging high school chicks – an institution almost as venerable and American as baseball or racism. The archetypical high school chick is a perfect piece of Americana that should be shared and revered by every passing generation. You see, the most amazing thing about high school chicks is their bodies’ ability to have shaped into maturity while their sexual sensibilities lag a few years behind. Couple this hot vulnerability with the fact that high school chicks haven’t suffered the “freshman 15” (which is now more like the “freshman, WHAT THE FUCK, YOU FAT BITCH!?”), and are generally toned from some sort of pseudo-erotic field hockey practice, and you have created a storm perfect enough for George Clooney and Marky Mark to star in.

However, what I witnessed the other day stands to threaten this essential privilege of maledom.

Picture this: a crisp spring morning near Bryant Park (a bit too early and picturesque for the hipsters to bother crawling out of their patchouli-saturated minimalist pads that cost $4,300 a month because of their proximity to the best “nabes” in the City). But I digress. Three tour buses have stopped near the park to unload what looks to be a veritable smorgasbord of high school chicks. This is clearly a field trip that will shake the very foundations upon which these mid-western simpletons have been raised. The stupefied countenances of the adolescents departing the bus betrayed their shattering notions of blue-collared courtesy and cornhusker God that they have spent 18 years cultivating. But amidst the bustling street vendors and effervescent coming of age experiences, I was focused on one thing – checking out the bods on high school chicks, hoping they are wearing those little gym shorts.

But to my dismay, these were not the high school chicks I so enjoyed over the last decade or so. Oh no; I thought I had somehow transported uptown to the Natural History Museum, surrounded by odd-toed ungulates and centaurs (this is the unfortunately growing occurrence where a girl is relatively proportionate from the waist up, but seems to have suffered some localized form of elephantiasis from the waist down). How did these 15-18 year old girls get so fat? What the hell are they doing in high school? Why were they still wearing the little gym shorts? And more importantly, what are the poor high school and college boys turning to for sexual gratification? Certainly not these sea cows with poorly bleached hair and forced valley-girl accents!

Then it hit me; the MILF. In the late 90’s the MILF came on the scene harder than Peter North and Mandingo performing a wobbly-H. It suddenly made so much sense - no one wants to fuck these shabby and inglorious excuses for high school chicks (except for Japanese business men and a few black guys). The prevalence of high school students nailing the ‘teach, the slew of “Real Housewifes of Some Shithole Town,” porn sites dedicated to Mothers I’d Like to Fuck, www.CougarLife.com etc. stand as a clear testament to this. Compounding years of ridicule and the inevitable piss-on-this pregnancy test required after being some guy’s last-ditch effort at the bar in Applebee’s at 1:30 am has forced these thirty-somethings to realize what they should have 15 years earlier: either you’re hot and you get what you want, or you’re not and you have to get a job like a man.

Get with the program high school chicks and stop being pleasure delayers. You are eating your way through the best years of good American mens lives, and then making us feel inadequate when we have finally worked long enough to have developed the financial portfolio and experience required to approach you, but now also have developed the sedentary job gut to match. Let’s go back to the old days, shall we?

What high school chick doesn’t want to have copious amounts of $6 vodka mixed with Country Time Pink Lemonade and Nyquil shoved down her throat by a vascular 24 year old in a backwards hat and ironically tight t-shirt? What better way to end a weekend than by awaking upon a sheetless mattress on the floor after having potentially consensual sex with a complete stranger amongst other twenty-somethings all doing the same thing? Plus, practice makes perfect; so when you turn 35, you’ll be more than prepared to do it all over again!