Next Steps in The War On Terror: What To Do With Osama Now?

Now that Osama Bin Laden has been killed, the next question remains; what should we do with his body? I had a few great ideas, and after hearing some suggestions I have narrowed it down to the following 11:

1. World's largest Bukakae party.

2. Cook up the body and have Congress eat it on the floor of the Senate. VP Biden gets to eat the face.

3. Graft his head onto the body of a pig.

4. Allow the general public to have sex with the body.

5. Weekend at Bernie's 3: drag the body to various Spring Break locations, put on some dark sunglasses and take him jet sking.

6. Chop his body and a few dead pigs up in a wood chipper. Spray the mixture from a helicopter over Mecca during Ramadan.

7. String him up like a marionette and make the ultimate America propoganda film.

8. Hang him from the torch on the Statue of Liberty.

9. Put his body into a glass septic tank under the White House so the President can shit on him every day. Broadcast via webcam to the whole world.

10. Stab a note through his neck that says "Youre Next" and send it to Muammar Quaddafi.

11. Bury him at the center of a 1000 acre industrial pig farm.

More Hipster Activities for the 4/29/11 Weekend

Again, I could not make up this nonsense if I tried.

Cheer on horrible 30-member circus-punk marching band, Mucca Pazza, who mashes up TV theme songs, Balkan brass, car alarm melodies, and original jams. 

Wander the Spring Craft Market and purchase overpriced crap from more than 60 indie artisans, listen to horrible live music, and "discover vittles", whatever the fuck they are, all  in a town square setting!!!! Wow an authentic town square!!! Listen hipsters, if you wanted a town square, you should have remained in your town, and stayed away from our city.

How Americans Invented Slavery

I am intolerant of two things; hipsters and ignorance. Today's post falls mostly under category deux. Yesterday's AM NY had an interview with author Andrea Levy about her new book "The Long Song" about 19th century Jamaican slavery. The idiot reporter Emily Hulme wrote one of the stupidest statements I have ever read in a newspaper. I looked up her bio and even though she a shitty pop culture critic, she deserves no slack for the disingenuous white liberal nonsense that she spewed forth from her stank blowhole. The first stupid words out of her mouth were: "I was surprised to learn so much about the British involvement in the slave trade from your book. In school we only learned about the American history of slavery". Wow. Just wow. I assume this moron somehow graduated from high school and college after taking at least 4-5 history classes. I dont know if this is a poor reflection of our education system or if Ms. Hulme was just fucking her teachers to get by. Or maybe she was an All-State QB or the top NCAA Men's Point Guard.

I'm embarrassed for author Andrea Levy. She spends her career researching this subject, only to be interviewed by some under educated 23 year old middle American hipster brat. HOW THE FUCK DID SHE GET THIS JOB?!?!?!?! OR ANY JOB THAT INVOLVES READING AND WRITING?!?!?

I'm not going to get into a long economic/humanitarian discussion on the ethics or origins of slavery in the western hemisphere, but seriously. This woman cannot be so dumb as to really think that evil white Americans invented slavery while there was no role played by European traders and African warlords. I would honestly say all three are to blame. The simple laws of supply and demand explain it all. We all know slavery is bad. And we should all know it wasn't invented by evil whiteys in 1776. I'm not wasting time discussing my knowledge of history. If you are interested in the subject, do some research. Obviously Ms. Hulme was not interested enough to do any research whatsoever.

A message to Ms. Hulme: Strop tryin to get all deep and political and whateva and stick to reviewing the shitty ensemble Williamsburg bands and fake dive bars that are your bread and butter. If you do insist on writing articles that are not reviews of shitty bands or hipster bars, please do a minimum of five minutes of research. Also, suck my dick and move back to Iowa, and take your bedbugs with you.

PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Summer scarf wearing Fauxhemian accordion players want nothing more than to be noticed ALL. THE. TIME. Hipsters would love it if they could attach a 40 foot flashing LED sign to the back of their bike in order to get people to pay attention to them but that's just not feasible to store in a NYC apartment. Globe bicycles has nailed the hipster demographic and is gonna make bank on these douchebags over the next couple months by selling the douche-cycle. I have seen a few of them around the city the last few weeks, and someone just forwarded me this article. First of all, fuck hipsters. This is not a "fixie" as it has brakes (soooo unauthentic). Second of all, the only people that really give a shit that their bike is flashing neon yellow are the 7 year old retards who buy their bikes at K-Mart.

The bike "comes in colors like orange, and teal and yellow — perfect for the demographic, right? Sure enough, it turns heads. I got compliments at stop lights and from passers-by while locking it up. Granted, mine had the limited edition “Animal Collective” paint job."

That is the #1 priority on which I base all my decisions. A cool paint job. But don't worry, these bikes weren't meant to last. After about a year they fall apart. Which is perfect, because one year is roughly the amount of time these transplant flyover state Sherlock Holmes impersonators last in Brooklyn before they realize painting 40's, pouring coffee twice a week, and dressing up in their best/worst steam punk attire and playing banjo in the Bedford Street subway station wont cover the maintenance fees on your $2 million Billyburg loft.

This bike is a piece of pretentious crap that only appeals to non bike riding weekend warriors douchebag attention drawing hipsters. No self respecting bike rider would ever be caught dead on one. Fucking Animal Collective.

There goes Ethan biking to his sustainable urban graffiti knitting class.

Hakeem "The Dream" Jeffries

Previously known as Akeem, Hakeem "The Dream" Jeffries, a former member of Phi Slamma Jamma and the Twin Tower Duo, has brought his talents to the NYS Legislature. Jeffries is using his signature move, the "Dream Shake" to sneak himself into the spotlight with this inane and straight up stupid legislation to ban real estate brokers from rebranding neighborhoods.

The rebranding of shitty neighborhoods is a time honored NYC tradition. In the 1980's we came up with SoHo and Tribeca. Now those neighborhoods are so rich and exclusive they have transitioned to the Post-Yuppie phase, where no living human family can actually afford to live there. Brokers in the outer boroughs are now applying the same tactic to newly arrived hipster transplants to trick them into moving into high crime areas populated by dangerous minorities pre-gentrified neighborhoods. Hakeem "The Dream" says "NO! We want our dangerous neighborhoods to have the same boring non-mashed up names."

Jeffrries serves on ten Assembly Committees and Subcommittees and still has time for pathetic public posturing. All that hard work and dedication that made him one of the NBA's Greatest 50 Players of All Time and an NBA Hall of Famer have helped him in his political career.

In addition to the Blacks of Brooklyn, the Blacks of Europe (the Italians) are also up in arms about the rebranding of neighborhoods. A few months ago when Bloomberg wanted the San Gennero Feast cut short to appease the gentrifying douches of "Nolita", the seven Italians who still live in Little Italy said NO!!! They thought they were being discriminated against because of their Italianess. So they started the "National Italian American Action Network", modeled on Sharpton's National Action Network, in order to "unify Italian Americans to fight discrimination" HAHAHAH. Its not 1924. No one gives a shit about discriminating against Italians anymore. We're a much more diverse country now. We now discriminate against Sikhs because we think they are Muslim and Muslims because they are Muslim (and of course blacks and Hispanics and Jews). 

 

All It Takes Is One Book

Many of us spent countless hours and years studying, thousands of dollars on books and supplies, and tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars in tuition to obtain the piece of paper known as a College Degree.

One top public university has proudly flaunted the following statistics about the most recently admitted Class of 2014: 79% were in the top 25% of their High School Class, 63 valedictorians and 47 salutatorians, and 200% more minority freshmen than in Fall ‘95. This university has 14 schools & colleges, 99 undergraduate majors, 17 graduate degrees, and 5 professional degree programs (J.D., LL.M., M.D., D.M.D., Pharm.D.) All for an annual $20,000 in state tuition (not including room and board) and $40,000 for out of state students.

Would you believe me if I told you that you could graduate from this school by reading one (1) book? I wouldn't. Because you can't. Not if you are the type of person who studied hard and got good grades. But if you are an elite athlete, one book is all it takes to become a scholar!

Yes, my friends, NBA Developmental League 2011 NCAA Basketball Champion U-Conn is proud of its most famous graduating Junior, Bronx native, First team All-American, top college point guard, NCAA Basketball Tournament Most Outstanding Player and esteemed scholar- Kemba Walker.

Kemba Walker is so smart and talented that he has been able to cram four years of Division I basketball and a sociology degree into only three years, all without reading a single book! His non-reading streak came to an end this year, when he was compelled to actually read one (1) book for a class on racism in sports. New York Hipster Times columnist William C. Rhoden's Forty Million Dollar Slaves: The Rise, Fall, and Redemption of the Black Athlete. Kemba confirmed that he finally read his first big boy book. "That's true, you can write that. It is the first book I've ever read." he stated to a Sports Illustrated reporter.

So Walker has read one book and won one championship, I guess he's ready for graduation! It is hilarious that the only book Walker has ever read is about how the white man rips off the black community by paying its elite athletes millions of dollars per year to play sports. The book's thesis is today's black athletes are basically plantation slaves. (A thesis, for those of us who have read one or fewer books in our lifetime, is the central point of what you intend to prove) I wonder if All-Pro NFL Running Back Adrian Peterson read the same book before he said in regard to the NFL lockout “It’s a modern-day slavery, you know?" No Adrian, I don't think anyone with a recently signed a $40 million ($17 mil guaranteed) contract could be considered a slave. Fellow Running Back  cultural anthropologist Rashard Mendenhall followed up with; "Anyone with knowledge of the slave trade and the NFL could say that these two parallel each other.” Yes Rashard, playing professional sports is totally like being a slave.

Future Sociology Phd Kemba Walker

Hipster Jews

Jews have been hated and persecuted around the globe since killing Jesus almost 2,000 years ago. And if you didn't hate Jews before, you will hate them now thanks to the new Hipster Jew hangout in Soho.

And wow! They offer Kabballah!!!!!!!! Judaism's dwarf gay prostitute adopted red headed stepchild! If Brittney follows it you know it has to be worthwhile. I don't even know what Kabballah is, but I cant tell you it is not this, a guy with a bad fake Jewish accent, making bad jokes about sexuality and mothers in law.

Organized religion is stupid whether their traditions go back 50, 500 or 5,000 years. Making 2,000 year old traditions "cool" by adding yoga, cocktail parties and l.e.d. lights makes me want to punch kittens. Religion's only appeal was it gave people something to do besides hunt and gather. Now we have xbox and intouch weekly and all that other nonsense. The Gay Hipster Upper West Side Disingenuous White Liberal agenda can suck my dick. Also, happy Passover.