Canoeing the Gowanus Cancer Canal and the Amazing Smudge Stick

New York State has an $8,000,000,000 budget gap. But thank god we are able to use taxpayer money to fund the amazing Gowanus Dredgers Canoe Club. This club runs free activities for anyone stupid enough to get in a boat and paddle in some of the most toxic water known to mankind. In their paddles up the canal, these urban boaters frequently find rotting dead animals among the garbage and toxic waste that has been dumped there over the past 150 years. Nothing really surprises me these days, but I was absolutely shocked that the Hipsters below allowed themselves to be photographed sans PBR.

"Hey Brandston this is so much more authentic than canoeing in that pristine lake back in Minnesota"

This Gowanus Dredgers Club is not so different from the parentally funded "artists" who built the Art Boat to spread their self-centered suburban "culture" to a people who have 10,000 year old recorded history. The operators know their client base, and thus cater to the pre-adolescent "look at me" desires of the Hipster community. One event they hold is called the Smudge Cleanse, in which a ritual bundle of herbs are lit to dissipate negative energy. Like yah, that bundle of sage and lavender will totally clean out the "bad energies" present in the toxic waste. I dare you to watch this video of the event without vomiting profusely.

Go take your white guilt elsewhere you Native American Culture Stealing Obama Button Wearing Piece of Uncultured Cul Du Sac Suburban Trash. Oleson seeks to "cleanse New York and it's residents of eco-destruction, election anxiety, gentrification, heterosexism, U.S. imperialism, classism, racism and greed." Why dont you stay home in your shitty whitebread racist suburb where you can clean your neighbors of the destruction caused by them driving their gas guzzling SUV from their unattached single family McMansion to their local strip mall? The best way for you to stop a gentrification is just kill yourself. YOU ARE THE GENTRIFICATION. This is New York Fucking City. We were built on hard work and greed. We like our heterosexism. Imperialism has made us into the dominant world city we are today. Take your hippy socialist crap back to the commune, cause we're not buying what you're selling. Maybe some of those stupid Hipsters over in Billyburg  will spend a few thousand out of their parents' retirement fund on your shitty post modern contemporary art, but no mater how many Smudge Sticks you burn, you will never, ever stop New Yorkers from bring greedy fucks nor remove the thousands of tons of toxic chemicals in our air, soil and water.

While I fully support the removal of all Hipsters by any means necessary, we cant just wait around for their trust funds to run out or for them all to get cancer from playing in a toxic waste dump. I propose driving the Hipsters from our great city and preventing any future Hipster infestation by changing the name of the Gowanus Canal to the Canal of Gentrification.