Another Hipster Garbage Art Barge

As if this horrible piece of future sunken Gowanus garbage wasnt enough, Hipsters are now bringing their entitled cul de sac mentality to Jamaica Bay. The mariners who use Pier 59 must be absolutely thrilled their work environment is now being polluted with the likes of the 34 year old child/designer Katie McKay "from" Brooklyn, who is on a self proclaimed "post-apocalyptic adventure”. Listen Katie, we are glad you can have a good time here on your NYC vacation, but don't act like you are inventing the world. Jamaica Bay has been a normal, working class Brooklyn setting for hundreds of years. The only thing you have added is another type of pollution. Adding to the already existing water, air and noise pollution, we now have the additional problem of cultural pollution.

Sponsored by Queens Gallery the Flux Factory, (the useless Hipster shitstains responsible for the Original Art Boat,)the goal of this project, the Boatel, is "the fulfillment of a longtime desire to exist on the water in a way that is creative and financially self-sustaining". However, the art boat hotel is completely unsustainable. Its uses a temporarily donated berth to earn $50-$100 per day, and is paid for with volunteer labor and the trust funds of various "Brooklyn artists". Once summer ends, I can guarantee these entitled brats won't be working long, if any, hours on the dock.

The Boatel is located in the Rockaways, which was only recently discovered thanks to the Hipster crowd. The founding artist, Ms. Constance Hockaday, had never even been to Rockaway, although after moving here from Texas she spent plenty of time in Brooklyn. Another stupid fuck who volunteered for the project, an actor and carpenter "from" Bushwick said "There's not many places I’ve been to where you can see wetlands, public housing, a school bus depot, an international airport and five species of birds". Wow its like the five amazing natural and cultural backdrops he was looking for his whole life just appeared before him. Lets add a waste transfer station, a rain forest, a bike repair/coffee shop and a space shuttle launching pad and this stupid fuck will be in ironic Hipster heaven.

"Artist" Constance Hockaday (on right) used 10% of her budget on that nifty neon sign

Canoeing the Gowanus Cancer Canal and the Amazing Smudge Stick

New York State has an $8,000,000,000 budget gap. But thank god we are able to use taxpayer money to fund the amazing Gowanus Dredgers Canoe Club. This club runs free activities for anyone stupid enough to get in a boat and paddle in some of the most toxic water known to mankind. In their paddles up the canal, these urban boaters frequently find rotting dead animals among the garbage and toxic waste that has been dumped there over the past 150 years. Nothing really surprises me these days, but I was absolutely shocked that the Hipsters below allowed themselves to be photographed sans PBR.

"Hey Brandston this is so much more authentic than canoeing in that pristine lake back in Minnesota"

This Gowanus Dredgers Club is not so different from the parentally funded "artists" who built the Art Boat to spread their self-centered suburban "culture" to a people who have 10,000 year old recorded history. The operators know their client base, and thus cater to the pre-adolescent "look at me" desires of the Hipster community. One event they hold is called the Smudge Cleanse, in which a ritual bundle of herbs are lit to dissipate negative energy. Like yah, that bundle of sage and lavender will totally clean out the "bad energies" present in the toxic waste. I dare you to watch this video of the event without vomiting profusely.

Go take your white guilt elsewhere you Native American Culture Stealing Obama Button Wearing Piece of Uncultured Cul Du Sac Suburban Trash. Oleson seeks to "cleanse New York and it's residents of eco-destruction, election anxiety, gentrification, heterosexism, U.S. imperialism, classism, racism and greed." Why dont you stay home in your shitty whitebread racist suburb where you can clean your neighbors of the destruction caused by them driving their gas guzzling SUV from their unattached single family McMansion to their local strip mall? The best way for you to stop a gentrification is just kill yourself. YOU ARE THE GENTRIFICATION. This is New York Fucking City. We were built on hard work and greed. We like our heterosexism. Imperialism has made us into the dominant world city we are today. Take your hippy socialist crap back to the commune, cause we're not buying what you're selling. Maybe some of those stupid Hipsters over in Billyburg  will spend a few thousand out of their parents' retirement fund on your shitty post modern contemporary art, but no mater how many Smudge Sticks you burn, you will never, ever stop New Yorkers from bring greedy fucks nor remove the thousands of tons of toxic chemicals in our air, soil and water.

While I fully support the removal of all Hipsters by any means necessary, we cant just wait around for their trust funds to run out or for them all to get cancer from playing in a toxic waste dump. I propose driving the Hipsters from our great city and preventing any future Hipster infestation by changing the name of the Gowanus Canal to the Canal of Gentrification.

Gowanus Cancer Canal & The Horrible Art Boat

I'm not sure what is more of an environmental pollutant here, the cancer causing carcinogens in the water and sediment of the Gowanus Canal or the parentally funded Hipsters polluting the streets of our great city. Yesterday's NY Times featured an article confirming the threat the Gowanus poses to public health, especially to the papier mache artists/baristas/production assistant bloggers who have chosen to have repeated contact with its toxic waters. The hordes of socially underdeveloped 20-somethings who arrive armed with useless $140,000 liberal arts degrees simply see this uber authentically deck industrial background as their adult playground, not the extremely hazardous toxic waste dump that it actually is.

These suburban morons happen to find the most polluted tract of land in America on which to build their "Sculptural Rivercraft". I present the newest useless Hipster toy: the Gowanus Art Boat. I could not fucking make this shit up if I tried. So this shitty ramshackle raft that basically looks like a larger scale version of something I might have hammered together in my grandfather's woodshop when I was five years old, is now being used for an art, champagne and oyster bar in the midst of a fucking toxic waste dump? Can I get some extra mercury with my polychlorinated biphenyls? Thanks, Tyler. So deck of you.

Says Meghan: "I'll have some extra cancer with my deck scarf"

But the ridiculousness doesn't end here. They plan on shipping the boat to India and floating it down the Ganges. At least the Ganges, the communal sink and toilet of 500 million Indians, is cleaner and smells better than the Gowanus Canal. The artists plan on sailing their "boat" down to the city of Varanasi, where they will present "visual and musical events in collaboration with local musicians." That is, if they havent all died from acute lukemia by then. Does anyone else find this plan beyond crazy? 400 million Indians live in abject fucking poverty! They cant feed themselves, the last thing they want to see if Brook and Josh sailing down the Ganges in their ART BOAT.

"Dear Vishnu, I pray that you send me an Art Boat built by privileged upper middle class douchebags so that I have something to admire while I take a dysentery ridden shit in my corpse-filled drinking water."