Why Everyone Hates White People

Just read some of the quotes below from your run of the mill average White Person and you will realize why every single person on earth hates Crackers. These are not made up. They are actual quotes from just one real White Person. Attempt to multiply the obnoxiousness of just this one White Person by the 200 million of us living in this country alone. It boggles the mind and makes me sick:

"I've got house reno's on the mind... I'm hoping my art studio will be set up in the near future."

"I worry about my art—will I be able to bring all my art supplies with me on the road?"

"My mother-in-law is a former concert pianist."

 

"I usually do not make it through a yoga or dance class or a meditation hour without tears pushing their way forcefully up from the depths of my belly. The tears beg for freedom, they beg to drop down my cheeks and hit the floor so as to run as far away from me as possible. I live a conflicted existence—a free-spirit who often feels imprisoned and unable to express itself as freely as it needs to."

"Lately I've felt particularly drawn to pine trees, what with their peaceful scent, rich forest green color, and beautiful shape. "

"I find it really difficult to paint if I don't have natural, free-flowing momentum"

"We are living in one of my mother-in-law's homes this summer"

"I'm loving this upholstered headboard by Pottery Barn"

"Two years ago I decided to give up on "security" (read: quit my "real job") and leap into the unknown of an artistic life."

"I made a batch of gluten-free blueberry muffins the other day" 

They Grabbin Yo People Up

More Brooklyn & Not Brooklyn

Check out the originals here and here:

 

I Hate Ironic Bearded Assholes!

This is one of the most rediculous things I have seen next to the Art Boat or this Bike Lane Asshole. Hipsters are now slumming it up Depression Era style. They have to pretend they are poor people from the 1920's because if they pretended they were modern poor people they would just get robbed. This awesome article titled, "It’s called “poverty.” You’ve probably never heard of it." perfectly sums it up. Theres nothing worse than a bunch of trust fund assholes pretending they're poor.

The Deckest Bag in the Universe

The deckest bag ever has just been invented by Brooklyn resident Kate Bryant. Kate, originally from Ohiotucky spent $250,000 on her Pratt Degrees."When not working on her line, Kate rides her vintage Peugeot to her day job as a copywriter." Yes, of course she does.

This bag retails for "only" $325. Yes, $325.

These sustainable and artisanally made pieces are produced in the garment district under "fair labor conditions". All the Hondurans employed in the Midtown sweatshop earn a "liveable wage", which in Honduras is $.079 per hour. This might seem like just pennies, but those Honduran laborers packed 35 to a 1-br apt in Queens sure have it good, Nicaraguans earn only $0.42 per hour. This fair trade and sustainable practice ensures that each Honduran laborer is able to send $4.50 to their families in Honduras each month.

Unique, Local, Sustainable, Fair Trade Bullshit

I am disgusted to announce the opening of yet another "local", "sustainable", "fair trade", "unique",  insert hipster cliche here boutique masquerading as a viable business. The Owl and Thisle General Store is an "urban mercantile specializing in local, green, fair and direct-trade products". Here is a sample of the garbage they will be selling to douchebaghipsteryuppies for a 10,000% markup:

All natural play dough in aromatic varieties like cardamom, lemongrass, and lavender. "ooooh little Tyler and Brook simply adore their lemongrass playdough! They would never use unpretentiously non-unique flavored playdough!"

Night Owl Paper Goods: Eco-chic wooden goodies and handmade paper goods crafted by a midwestern couople with a passion for craftmanship, detail and of course the environment.

Mclure's Pickles- These artisanally made and locally produced pickles retail for a mere $10 for a 32 ounce jar. Check this article out for more about how the Hipster thinks they invented pickles.

The granola sold at this abomination of a genral store hails from The Granola Lab. Their granola is artisanally made in their overpriced Billyburg loft. Of course it is. 

And finally, no authentic and unique general store would be complete without fair trade handbags, jewelry and accessories produced at the Awava women's cooperative in Uganda. You can actually buy a reasonably priced handbag from that website for about $20. I have no doubt the gentrifying general store will mark that up about 1000%.

Artisanal pottery and jewelry maker Yudaya Nakibuka dreads the day when
gentrifyingDJ/Barista/production assistant bloggers price her out of her Ugandan
hut and she is forced to move to a less gentrifiried village 6 subway stops to the east

Michelle Bachmann has work to do

Michelle Bachmann, the best female politician, proves that women can "successfully" parrot the correct ideas of strong, masculine men upon accidentally wandering out of the kitchen. Bachmann opposes "illegal" immigration, favors governmental austerity, and has a hilarious "reading list" of economists. (Yes, despite her "Austrian" disposition, she quickly cites the works of Walt Whitman and Thomas Sowell, making her impervious to charges of racism!)

Fact: Michelle Bachmann has a killer pussy. Certifiably, it is at least as tight as a man's anus, which was enough to certify her well-meaning husband as a card-carrying heterosexual. Many jokes have been made about Marcus Bachmann's effeminate vocal intonations (all by the "tolerant" left, of course). You would think that the progessive leftists disliked faggotry based on how viciously they mock him. Seriously, read the comments on any left-wing website with an "expose" on the "shocking" details of the Bachmann gay rehab clinic. Better yet, I'll just quote a gay:

“Otherwise we’re just promoting the same narrow-minded and one-dimensional interpretation of what constitutes a homosexual and what constitutes a man, not to mention furthering the line of thinking that gay men are put on this earth to amuse everyone and serve as cultural clowns.”

Exactly. That’s why I can’t stand all the “Marcus Bachmann is gay” jokes…Especially since most of the ones I have heard in the media have come from straight “liberal” men.

Michelle Bachmann is a quintessential neocon, intent on spreading heterosexual democracy to all corners of the earth. She has given the requisite slurping blowjob to Israel and Jews that is required of American political candidates. But Mrs. Bachmann still has work to do on the home front.

Yes, recently the nonpartisan media revealed that Bachmann's own local district was "suffering" from a flurry of gay teen suicides. Homosexuality, considered a mental disorder on its own until (usurping jews normalized it in) 1973, has apparently been rearing its ugly head in the super-fagged-out state of Minnesota.

"Over the past two years, a total of nine teenagers have committed suicide in a Minnesota school district represented by Rep. Michele Bachmann—the latest in May—and many more students have attempted to take their lives."

Wow, that's a lot of dead gays!

"Some of the victims were gay, or perceived to be by their classmates, and many were reportedly bullied."

Oh, so not all nine were actually gay or bullied. Poor kids, I wonder if they would've persisted through their mental problems if they'd known that their legacies would be lumped in with a bunch of broken faggots. "Bullying" is a healthy and natural form of evolutionary competition, and the scare quotes around that word come from the pro-faggot regime's histrionic indignation over so much as a raised eyebrow. Only a plump, robust society could tolerate so much unhealthiness, but this point has been griped about elsewhere.

Michelle Bachmann failed her constituents. She did not "pray the gay away" from the hormonally-imbalanced, cisgender-disabled white kids (yes they are all white) who became a hero in her home state. Bachmann's bullying efforts were not strong enough (no surprise; she is a woman), and her Christianity lacked the necessary conviction (no surprise; she loves Jews). She must strive harder to accomplish her goals (whatever they are).

** Honestly, read the whole fucking account of the unstable, "married" queer who "exposed" the Marcus Bachmann therapy clinic. Dare yourself to finish it. There is absolutely nothing mean-spirited, "immoral", or empirically-unsound about the entire operation. All the authority figures seemed to grasp the informal, nebulous concept and sought only to steer gays away from their unsafe hypersexuality by way of a spiritual foundation. The "pray the gay away" catchphrase is a creation of the apologist media; it is purposefully dumb as a deceit to sympathetic normals. Wow, I thought once gays got "married" they would settle down and behave like the rest of us and not embark on hysterical smear campaigns! I never saw this coming!!

Hipster Cliches Strike Again!

Last week the FBI raided notorious Hipster infestation the McKibbon Lofts in East Billyburg. This short 300 word article is composed of such a thick concentration of hipster cliches you cant read one line without choking on the cultural pollution. 

From shitbag Hipster cliche 21 year old Meaghan the bed bug infested DJ/Barista/Invisible Art Patron to the "original" band "from" NYC's hip Billyburg nabe, this article truly has it all! The apartment raided actually belonged to shitty unoriginal Hipster band Broken Glow. According to their Myspace bio "Broken Glow is an original Rock band hailing from Brooklyn, NY. Originally from Hartford, CT the band now resides in NYC. Fusing a variety of styles including Classic, 90's, and Grunge Rock mingled with Blues, Alternative and Jazz, Broken Glow has created a sound uniquely their own..." Originally from Hartford but also from Brooklyn. Assholes.

This should be an unwanted poster

Follow me on Twitter @sorevelant or Bud Kilmer Will Kill You

Do it! Do it now!

"the only pain that matters is the pain you inflict...cry me a river, you fat fucking baby! "

Brooklyn & NOT Brooklyn

One of my favorite Blogs, Diehipster.com has a section dedicated to what is Brooklyn and what is definitely NOT Brooklyn. I decided to make a few of my own. Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

Contrary Clown-Fuckers Ride the Deckest Bike in the Universe

Anna the Artisinally Unemployed Anorexic Pratt Graduate

Why buy just any bike when you can be "unique"??? Republic bikes are so unique they have two unique body-frames: the unique Hipster #1 Classic Fixie and the unique Hipster #2 Custom Plato Dutch, which comes in one and three speed models. (Note: the Hipster #1 Classic Fixie Model also comes in an alternate unique Fauxhemian style. This style allows you to look unique and cool by making it appear as if you are riding a fixie while you actually pedal the bike like a normal non-unique person.)

Predicable counter-culture seems to have embraced the Native American (or as Hipsters call them– First Nations) practice of being “Contrary.” For those of you unaware of this phenomenon, a Contrary was a member of a tribal group who deliberately acted opposite of other tribal members. In fact, much like the Hipsters of today, Contraries were a distinct minority loosely organized into a cult devoted to the practice of “backwards” behavior.

Contraries were partially related to the Clown organizations of the Native American tribes. The Lakota word “heyoka,” translates literally to the term "clown". Hence, these Hipster doofuses are, in fact, copycat clown-fuckers. While the Contrary Native Americans rode their horses backward, our contemporary clown-fuckers have managed to find a mode of transportation that is counter-productive in relation to what is available today.

The only real remedy for such Contrary behavior is to shun the “backwards warrior” into isolation so that their counterproductive behavior does not disrupt and/or infect the rest of society by running over any Hipster clown-fucker riding a Republic bike with your car, SUV, regular bike, Segway, roller/inline skates, etc. If you are lucky enough to see a Segway running over a Hipster-doofus on a Republic bike, immediately run over the Segway also.

Sadly, this picture needs no caption.

Christ Compels You to NOT be a Gay Hipster

The suburban Hipster subculture is luring innocent Christians everywhere to commit sins that only the age-old practice of paying indulgences could remedy. And who are we to question drawing upon the Treasury of Merit accumulated by Christ's superabundantly meritorious sacrifice on the cross and the virtues and penances of the saints? Oh wait, that makes absolutely no sense.

Anyway, I had to reprint this awesome article in its entirety. The only thing that seems to be missing is the gay-hipster trend of wearing “summer scarves”. Is anything gayer than wearing a piece of fabric to keep your neck warm in 95 degree weather? I think not. Please follow the advice at the end of the article:

A recent trend amongst teenagers in the suburban areas is to be a “hipster”. For those concerned parents who don’t know what this is. Hipsters are bohemian, homosexuals who enjoy obscure music and the atmosphere of that permits gay sexual acts to occur. To prime themselves for gay sex, many hipsters will wear v neck shirts allowing members of the same sex to realize their orientation and seduce them into gay lucid acts. They can be seen riding single speed bikes that are a beacon to other hipster-gays letting them know they are single and ready to mingle. They will often meet each other and indoctrinate youths at music festivals, American Apparel, Urban Outfitters and at liberal arts colleges. They will convince your child to do poorly in school and blame the teacher because “they don’t understand his/her art”. They will then get black out drunk on Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer so they can engage in violent gay sex acts while listening to obscure bands whose lyrics promote such disgusting deviant acts. 

In a Recent event in a suburban high school, there have been reports of hipster-gay’s take trains down from Chicago to assault suburban teenagers. In one such instance an asian hipster-gay, a noted sexual deviant (it goes without saying), with nose piercings, and a rather obscenely small penis, punched a student in the face at his graduation. Hipster gay’s try to compensate for their sexual malfeasance by running tattoo parlors from their dorms. This is how they spread HIV/AIDS to the general population of hipster gays. A hipster-gay in Naperville and reputed ball gargling champion of the western suburbs, was distinguished as Patient 0 of AIDS in the Chicago-land area. Hipster gay’s will try to fool you by pretending to date short fat jews, but they really engage in massive gay orgies with each other.

The culture of hipster-gay’s is an enigma. They represent a counterculture that is a threat to the Christian Youths that are the pride of our nation. If you see a hipster riding a bike on the street, do us all a favor and run his gay ass over with your car.

Run her over with your car, please!

Planking

I am not going to explain why the newest Hipster fad planking is is the dumbest game ever. It just is. Planking has three intricate steps: Step 1: lay down. Step 2: Take a picture of yourself laying down. Step 3: Put that picture on the internet. Check out this awesome planking fail. 
I remember doing some planking right after that movie The Program came out by lying in the middle of the street like the dumbasses in the movie. But that was pre-internet planking. We had no one to document our stupidity. Only we knew how cool we were. Planking can be awesome if done correctly, like this. However, that guy is still a douch for naming his planks. He is Steve from LA. Not Chocolate Thunder. 

The Original Planker

Thankfully, Planking is not acceptable practice. Xzibit is shitting on this crazy cracker fad because he thinks the game originates from in the slave trade, so therefore, it must be racist. Professor of African American History at Pimp my Ride University adds "Don't get it twisted. I care less where your dumb asses lay face down and take pictures of the shit, I'm just telling you where it came from." That's dumber that Rashard Mendenhall's tirade about 9/11. I guess basketball has origins in the slave trade cause they used nets to catch slaves. And hockey is problematic because sticks were used to hit slaves. And they use nets in hockey too. Planking is not racist. Swimming is racist

La Revolicion!

This past Saturday I had the pleasure of visiting some cousins on the northern end of Rockaway beach. Little did I know that this location is the new hip spot for South American Revolutionaries to plan their Socialist takeovers. To our consternation, sitting close-by were three men and three women drinking and calling each other "bro" at an unrelenting pace. Of course, they picked a spot to place their hand-woven, corn husk beach mats that was just in earshot of the government portion (Riis Park) of the beach, so they could endlessly pretend to empathize with the plight of the proletariat.

Their plans for worldwide Communist domination hit a snag when they spent two hours burying each other in sand and drinking PBR's. I heard Ethan quip, “I’ll fucking fly your kite with you bro,” but I could barely even see him as his desert camouflage made him practically invisible in the sand, although his 4 sizes too short pink shorts distinguished him from the rest of the useless crew. Interestingly, while Ethan and his friend Dirk, who insisted on being referred to as Stryker, were not Cuban dictators, they had each managed to purchase the exact same “unique” hat.

Their $140,000 liberal arts degrees, world class culture and self esteem issues have now made Rockapulco THE PLACE TO BE AND BE SEEN if you have ironic facial hair and can talk for over 20 minutes about how to make a cup of coffee. Thankfully, many of these Hipster twats will be blind before they hit middle age for wearing day-glow colored plastic sunglasses purchased at American outfitters for $200 that don't have any UVA protection.

Viva la Revolucion

For the last couple of years, my cousin has been telling us to stop at the taco place on 96th Street on our way home for some bomb ass fish tacos. I like a good taco. However, I don’t like Hipsters. As a member of the FDNY for over 20 years, he has witnessed filthy, disgusting people doing horrible things to themselves and each other, which is why he can tolerate waiting on line for a taco with a crowd of subhuman Hipsters. I work in an office and my stomach is not as strong as his. After waiting on line surrounded by the horrible Hipster infestation, reading the wanted ads from people selling hundreds of thousand of "rare" records, and finally seeing the cook with a beard at least 1000 times the size of his genitalia, I started profusely vomiting all over myself and the other patrons. In a state of actual irony, my puke hit a passerby’s tattoo of puke. The taco wasn’t bad, but those fuckers ripped me off for my guacamole.

Meghan the unoriginal housedress wearing bed bug carrier waits for her taco

Instead of going home, we ventured off to a few bars. Unfortunately I was forced onto the awful L train at about 10PM on a Saturday night. I saw the likes of people I had no explanation for. An innocent Pakistani family of four children and their parents stood near me on the platform, scared and confused at these weird, useless humans plying their nonsense. I smiled at them, sensing their fear and bewilderment at these strange surrounding. I told them they should not be afraid of these people, only to be ashamed for them.

I don't need no math or science lessons, I got me a can with some quarters and nickles!

Keep up the Good Work!

Our intolerance of bullshit is working to drive the Hipsters back to their native cul de sacs, keep up the good work everyone! Do your part today, kick a Hipster in the mouth.

Stupid Japs

OHHHH, ME ROVE U RONG TIME!

Asian advocacy groups are fuming over the upcoming public screening of the classic film "Breakfast at Tiffany's" at Brooklyn Bridge Park next month. Ursula Liang, a shitbag Hipster blowhard who launched the petition against the screening stated “It’s outrageous that public funding would sponsor a film like that...It’s not appropriate to show in this day and age.” This 1961 movie featuring Audrey Hepburn includes the role of Micky Rooney as Mr. Yunioshi, a buck toothed neighbor with coke bottle glasses who speaks with an exaggerated Asian accent in one minor scene. Marcie Chin, a South Park Slope resident, adds it "is highly insensitive and socially irresponsible”. What these dumb shits don't realize is that all movies and all pop culture must be viewed through the lens of history. In 1961,the vast majority of citizens were WWII veterans and their immediate families. The moviegoers of the day had killed millions of Japanese people just 15 years earlier, and had their friends and tortured and blown apart by vicious bloodthirsty Japanese soldiers. The bloody Korean War had just ended 8 years prior, more recent to them than 9/11 to us. So yes, making fun of Japs and Asians was, and remains funny. We all know racism is wrong, but we must acknowledge that is a part of our history. American dehumanization of blacks throughout slavery and Jim Crow was exemplified in Mark Twain's classic Huckleberry Fin. Last year word one publisher stated that readers were offended and changed the word "nigger" in the book to "slave", although they are not synonymous. If you don't want to appreciate the book, don't read it. If you don't like offensive movies, don't see them.

Maybe our children and grandchildren will live in a world with less racism. We're far better off than our parents and grandparents generations in that regard. That doesn't mean we should forget or rewrite history. There are many lessons we should not forget. For example, my grandfather was a very tolerant man, he even appreciated Oprah and Obama in his later years. But he was so disgusted by what he witnessed in China during WWII, he could not believe they were human beings. He carried the belief that Asians were subhuman animals to his grave. And I could not argue that point with him. We must not forget the lesson behind the racism of the day; that Japs are bloodthirsty animals who wish to rape our lands and people, love anime to the point they get gay over it, have suicide rates that rival latina teenagers, and are just, in general, a shitty angry stupid culture. All past, current and future Jap anger is probably due to, as South Park has proven, their small penises.

Another Hipster Garbage Art Barge

As if this horrible piece of future sunken Gowanus garbage wasnt enough, Hipsters are now bringing their entitled cul de sac mentality to Jamaica Bay. The mariners who use Pier 59 must be absolutely thrilled their work environment is now being polluted with the likes of the 34 year old child/designer Katie McKay "from" Brooklyn, who is on a self proclaimed "post-apocalyptic adventure”. Listen Katie, we are glad you can have a good time here on your NYC vacation, but don't act like you are inventing the world. Jamaica Bay has been a normal, working class Brooklyn setting for hundreds of years. The only thing you have added is another type of pollution. Adding to the already existing water, air and noise pollution, we now have the additional problem of cultural pollution.

Sponsored by Queens Gallery the Flux Factory, (the useless Hipster shitstains responsible for the Original Art Boat,)the goal of this project, the Boatel, is "the fulfillment of a longtime desire to exist on the water in a way that is creative and financially self-sustaining". However, the art boat hotel is completely unsustainable. Its uses a temporarily donated berth to earn $50-$100 per day, and is paid for with volunteer labor and the trust funds of various "Brooklyn artists". Once summer ends, I can guarantee these entitled brats won't be working long, if any, hours on the dock.

The Boatel is located in the Rockaways, which was only recently discovered thanks to the Hipster crowd. The founding artist, Ms. Constance Hockaday, had never even been to Rockaway, although after moving here from Texas she spent plenty of time in Brooklyn. Another stupid fuck who volunteered for the project, an actor and carpenter "from" Bushwick said "There's not many places I’ve been to where you can see wetlands, public housing, a school bus depot, an international airport and five species of birds". Wow its like the five amazing natural and cultural backdrops he was looking for his whole life just appeared before him. Lets add a waste transfer station, a rain forest, a bike repair/coffee shop and a space shuttle launching pad and this stupid fuck will be in ironic Hipster heaven.

"Artist" Constance Hockaday (on right) used 10% of her budget on that nifty neon sign

Cyberbulling is a Serious Problem?

Bullying online is easy cause anyone can do it. You don't need to be strong or smart. Which is why it is easy to fight back if you are a victim of cyber bullying. If you are always the victim and cant figure out why or how to fight back, you probably deserve it. Studies have shown victims of cyber victims more likely to be anxious, insecure, depressed, have low-self esteem, socially isolated, unpopular, lack social skills and be physically weaker than their peers. They are another type of nature's victim 

In pre-internet days bullies may have punched or kicked their victim, or even taken his/her lunch money. But now Cyberbullies can take something much more valuable; the victim's self esteem. Current generations seem to live on self esteem and an inflated sense of worth and entitlement. Take those critical personality components awaya via cyberbullying and you are left with a pile of teenage suicide victims. These victims are the weak minded individuals who society didn't really need anyway.

The first aspect of stopping cyberbullying is easy.  Its kind of an easy one, even real victims should be able to handle it. Turn the computer off. You can't be cyberbullied if you're not online. If you are not smarter or stronger than your attacker, or can't figure out how to turn the computer off or avoid Facebook, you probably deserve to get bullied. Weak people get picked on. Its just the way of the world. The lion would starve if s/he picked on the most powerful bull elephant. The weak and vulnerable get preyed upon. Its science, duh. So how do we prevent our children from being victims? Easy, do the opposite of what these parents are doing. Don't raise your children to be vulnerable victims. Teach them that the world is filled with people that will fuck you and eat you alive. And not to tolerate that bullshit.

Party of the Year!

Brandston the Artisnal Hipster Douche <3's his l><l

I was out of NYC for just one week and missed the party of the year, the 2011 Jazz Age Lawn Party that took place on Governors Island last weekend. "Party like it’s 1929 at this daytime fete, where attendees wear period attire, Lindy Hop to live jazz, sip St-Germain cocktails, and play tug-of-war." Fuck you NY Times Party of the year. This year was the largest in the six years that the Jazz Age Lawn Party has been taking place, and that's not hard to believe when you consider the ever rising numbers of leisure class Hipster douchebags infesting the City. Where else would Ethan the Emaciated Knitting Emcee and Meghan the Slutty Bisexual Apprentice Carpenter find themselves on a rainy summer afternoon but at a theme party harkening back to the leisure class party days of the 1920's."the valiant crew of mixologists finally ran out of booze just after 4 pm". You mean they threw a shitty party and ran out of beer a few hours after the party started. The party of the year indeed.

Yet Another Bike Lane Douche

I saw this Dickface on NY1 last week and tried to block out his "documentary". Unfortunately, someone emailed me this link over the weekend reminding me of this strategic douchebaggery. Dickface got a ticket for riding his bike outside an allowed bike lane. Many of us who live in NYC have received at least one ticket for minor quality of life issues such as drinking in public, riding a bike or spitting on the sidewalk, or walking in between subway cars. We all know the City needs money and this petty fine system makes the City billions each year, paying the salaries of our civil servants.

Most of us take our tickets in stride, vowing not to get caught being stupid again. But not Ohio Dickface McBicycle. He turns his $20 fine into a Movement. A Crusade to prove the stupid people and police of NYC wrong. CLEAR THOSE BIKE LANES OR ELSE, Ohio Dickface is in town! This 45 year old man-child decides he must document his tantrum by riding his bike through the bike lanes no matter what is blocking his way. He does not describe the situation which caused him to get his original ticket, but I am assuming the bike lane was wide open and he chose to ride his bike elsewhere.

Watch at 2:50 where he veers into the cop car that is slightly protruding into the bike lane, (not really blocking it at all). Dude had to purposely crash into the cop car. This guy is so full of shit. I hope a wood chipper is blocking his next bike lane. Just because the NYPD is not paid to use common sense and writes tickets to everyone like its going out of style doesn't mean that everyone else should just act like a four year old.

Why I am not a Hipster

When my friends really want to insult me they use the worst of terms. They do not call me a Jew Faggot Kike Nigger Donkey Raping Shiteater. They call me a Hipster. A Dirty Hipster. There is nothing more insulting than being called this horrible term. It is such an offensive term, it should not be spoken or written out. If it must be said, call it the H word, and if it must be written, spell it like this: H*****r. I was so offended at being called a H*****r, I thought, maybe I AM one. I have weird hair, a tattoo, and lived in Brooklyn for 2 years. I have several trademarks of a H*****r. Then I remembered my friends were assholes and were just trying to get me to kill myself, as all H*****rs should do. I remembered my hair is awesome, my tattoo is non-ironic, and I lived in Brooklyn only after being priced out of my Lower East Side hood (if  I was a H*****r I would have called it a "Nabe").

I also have many attributes that do not classifty me as a H*****r. I have a job. I like art and music, but not that garbage on Kickstarter. I think if you went to any art school ever, you wasted your time and money. I think the Salvation Army exists for low income people, not for people to appear low income. I think tight pants are stupid. I think Williamsburg and Greenpoint should be populated by blacks, Hasids, Poles and immigrants, not Meghans, Tylers Brooks and Harrisons from Ohio. And most importantly I love NYC because I grew up here, not because it is cool to love NY.

It is not a phobia if it is a rational fear

I love this guy, even if he hates me.

The Worst Parents In the World!!!!

Yes, that's four exclamation marks bad. There is so much wrong here, and naming their three kids Jazz, Kio and Storm is just the tip of the iceberg. THESE HORRIBLE PARENTS decided to raise a "Gender neutral baby" Not because the kid has both sex organs, but as "a tribute to freedom and choice in place of limitation, a stand up to what the world could become in Storm's lifetime". I'm sure many of you read about these parents already, but I was so disgusted that I had to sit on this blog for a couple of weeks.

The mother adds “In fact, in not telling the gender of my precious baby, I am saying to the world, ‘Please can you just let Storm discover for him/herself what s (he) wants to be?!.” What a narcissistic attention demanding piece of shit. 

No, people dont just discover these things. People must be taught social constructs. Constructs that include sexuality, gender, gender role and all that other nonsense I learned about in mandatory sensitivity training. I wonder how these parents will feel when Storm discovers his/her sexuality at age 6 in some dude's van because that's what s/he wanted and s/he wouldn't let society tell him/her what to do because his/her parents never taught them how to behave. You can also turn your kids loose and let a wolfpack raise them. Maybe they will survive as feral children. Even if they discovered how to kill a rabbit with their bare hands it wasn't all on their own, they learned that shit from the pack leader. Ceaser Milan taught me you have to be a pack leader for your kids, dogs, whatever. As the leader, you set the moral and physical pace for the pack. These parents pace is the typical DWL Hipster mantra of "whatever".

These parents are purposely socially retarding their children to be androgynous Hipster shitstains. 

The mother shockingly practices unschooling. Unschooling is the practice of letting your kids homeschool themselves, which is only the thrird or fourth dumbest thing that these parents are doing. Way to set them up for a lifetime of fail.

Thank you Governor Scott

Florida Governor Rick Scott recently signed a bill yesterday that requires government entitlement benefit applicants to undergo drug testing. Thank you Governor Scott for helping to bring back stigma. It is not ok to subsidize the lives of drug users. We will not use our taxpayer dollars to free up disposable income for drug users. I'm not against drugs, just like I'm not anti smoking, anti-cellphone, anti-pets or kids. But if you want those things, you should be able to afford them without government benefits.

Of course the Nazi-loving establishment-hating ACLU instantly filed suit, claiming the bill invades privacy. You know what else invades privacy? Some drug addict single mother with 9 kids dipping her hand into my wallet to pay for her food, clothing, shelter and cigarettes while we pay her sister/mother/ cousins to foster her other 6 kids.

The Rambling of an Insane Prophet

Remember that old high school taboo? The one that felt so good when we violated it; made us call our friends and stand an inch taller when we walked down the street? The very same taboo that dragged us sheepishly to 18+ clubs when we were already 23, maybe pushing 30 . . .

That’s right; banging high school chicks – an institution almost as venerable and American as baseball or racism. The archetypical high school chick is a perfect piece of Americana that should be shared and revered by every passing generation. You see, the most amazing thing about high school chicks is their bodies’ ability to have shaped into maturity while their sexual sensibilities lag a few years behind. Couple this hot vulnerability with the fact that high school chicks haven’t suffered the “freshman 15” (which is now more like the “freshman, WHAT THE FUCK, YOU FAT BITCH!?”), and are generally toned from some sort of pseudo-erotic field hockey practice, and you have created a storm perfect enough for George Clooney and Marky Mark to star in.

However, what I witnessed the other day stands to threaten this essential privilege of maledom.

Picture this: a crisp spring morning near Bryant Park (a bit too early and picturesque for the hipsters to bother crawling out of their patchouli-saturated minimalist pads that cost $4,300 a month because of their proximity to the best “nabes” in the City). But I digress. Three tour buses have stopped near the park to unload what looks to be a veritable smorgasbord of high school chicks. This is clearly a field trip that will shake the very foundations upon which these mid-western simpletons have been raised. The stupefied countenances of the adolescents departing the bus betrayed their shattering notions of blue-collared courtesy and cornhusker God that they have spent 18 years cultivating. But amidst the bustling street vendors and effervescent coming of age experiences, I was focused on one thing – checking out the bods on high school chicks, hoping they are wearing those little gym shorts.

But to my dismay, these were not the high school chicks I so enjoyed over the last decade or so. Oh no; I thought I had somehow transported uptown to the Natural History Museum, surrounded by odd-toed ungulates and centaurs (this is the unfortunately growing occurrence where a girl is relatively proportionate from the waist up, but seems to have suffered some localized form of elephantiasis from the waist down). How did these 15-18 year old girls get so fat? What the hell are they doing in high school? Why were they still wearing the little gym shorts? And more importantly, what are the poor high school and college boys turning to for sexual gratification? Certainly not these sea cows with poorly bleached hair and forced valley-girl accents!

Then it hit me; the MILF. In the late 90’s the MILF came on the scene harder than Peter North and Mandingo performing a wobbly-H. It suddenly made so much sense - no one wants to fuck these shabby and inglorious excuses for high school chicks (except for Japanese business men and a few black guys). The prevalence of high school students nailing the ‘teach, the slew of “Real Housewifes of Some Shithole Town,” porn sites dedicated to Mothers I’d Like to Fuck, www.CougarLife.com etc. stand as a clear testament to this. Compounding years of ridicule and the inevitable piss-on-this pregnancy test required after being some guy’s last-ditch effort at the bar in Applebee’s at 1:30 am has forced these thirty-somethings to realize what they should have 15 years earlier: either you’re hot and you get what you want, or you’re not and you have to get a job like a man.

Get with the program high school chicks and stop being pleasure delayers. You are eating your way through the best years of good American mens lives, and then making us feel inadequate when we have finally worked long enough to have developed the financial portfolio and experience required to approach you, but now also have developed the sedentary job gut to match. Let’s go back to the old days, shall we?

What high school chick doesn’t want to have copious amounts of $6 vodka mixed with Country Time Pink Lemonade and Nyquil shoved down her throat by a vascular 24 year old in a backwards hat and ironically tight t-shirt? What better way to end a weekend than by awaking upon a sheetless mattress on the floor after having potentially consensual sex with a complete stranger amongst other twenty-somethings all doing the same thing? Plus, practice makes perfect; so when you turn 35, you’ll be more than prepared to do it all over again!

You Will Be Homeless By This Time Tomorrow

I stopped giving $ to homeless people a long time ago that do not have serious physical deformities. And not "I'm deaf or in a wheelchair" disabilities, I'm talking about deformities that you don't want to look back twice to see. You're not getting the change in my pocket unless you have serious acid burns on your face or 40 lb neck goiters. Just yesterday I barely glanced up at the dude begging for change when he mentioned "This could happen to anyone". Yes, it could happen to anyone, but it doesn't happen to most people. Why does it happen to some and not others?

There are plenty of alcoholic and mentally defective people who raise families, maintain households and hold down jobs so it is not just alcoholism and mental defect that causes one to be homeless, but the perfect storm of laziness and a misplaced sense of entitlement. Many of those that beg are not even homeless. Poor, yes. But not homeless. The disingenuous white liberal media would like you to think that one day everything is great and then POOF!, the man fires you and you are living on the street a few hours later; never forgetting to mention "IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE". Yes, it can happen to anyone, but not overnight. Every homeless person's life is filled with both poor decisions and bad luck.

So I expected the disingenuous white liberal bias when I picked up yesterday's AM NY and read an article on the first page about homeless people who look like me. I decided to take a closer look and really see how close I am to becoming them, and of course, to judge the shit out of their homelessness on either poor decisions or bad luck. After my analysis, I found that I am not that close to becoming homeless, but if you make a lot of stupid decisions and have a little bit of bad luck you definitely will become homeless.

Family 1- The Robinsons:
Bad Decisions                                                         
Husband is a poet                                                                            
Wife is a professional "Server"
Squandered savings on beach trips & gym memberships
After losing their jobs, they moved to NYC, one of the most expensive housing markets in the world.


Bad Luck
Wife is Asian yet has no math skills

This family should move back to South Carolina and get off NY's welfare rolls. Why do they feel entitled to a NY taxpayer handout? Beat it deadbeats!

Family 2: Latrell Reagans & family:
Bad Decisions
Had 6 kids (Latrell is a registered nurse so she DEFINITELY knows about contraception)
Spending too much on school fees and toys
Believing the power of prayer will prevent eviction

Bad Luck
Kids had asthma
Husband lost lucrative messenger job

The Reagans did better than the young Robinson couple. This family took a while to make a bunch of dumb decisions (6 that I can think of), that eventually led to homelessness.

Latrell and two of her six kids

Publish Post

How The Mighty Have Fallen

Imagine you are the mother fucking Governator. You won the Mr. Universe competition and Mr. Olympia contest seven times for having a diesel ass body and being able to crush normal human beings with your bare hands. You were the number one blockbuster movie star of all time, and the originator of awesome quotes now part of American lexicon such as "I'll be back", "Hasta la vista, baby." and "Who is your daddy, and what does he do?" You slept your way into the Kennedy family and became a two-term governor of the most populous state in America. You called Democrats "girlie men" and although you blew a bunch of dough investing in Planet Hollywood, you are still worth about $200 million.

If you had accomplished all of the above, you think you would be able to get any woman you wanted. Any beautiful woman would beckon to serve your greatest sexual desires. But Ahnold chose to cheat on his wife with someone who looks like she should be drinking cheap beer out of a paper bag and playing dominos at those built in cement tables while the 65 other members of her immediate family grill corn and tomatillos on a hastily erected grill in between the swingset and sprinkler in your local public park to the familiar sounds of 140-decibel salsa music blasting from the boombox illegally rigged to the lamp post. Dont get me wrong, I think Latina women are some of the most beautiful on earth. Many remain hot into their forties and fifties. But I draw the line at bisabuelas.

What does Ahnold see here with his superhuman vision that the rest of us don't?

Ahnold admitted he was abused as a child. Was sleeping with this woman a continued form of self abuse? He easily could have found an extremely hot, very hot, hot, sort of hot, or average looking woman to have sex with. Why would he choose this beast of a woman? It is one thing to sleep with a substandard woman who you have been married to for 40 years. Of course your 60 year old wife's looks have declined over the last few decades of life, but to actually go out and choose an ugly old woman to have sex with? WTF Governator? What. The Fuck.???

Hipster Church

Last month I told you about the Hipster Synagogue. Now we have a Hipster Church too. 37 year old ordained minister Gage Jung said "We're not trying to make a church like the one your parents went to. We're trying to make a church for our generation". Dude, you're 37. Your parents are probably senior citizens. It's time to grow the fuck up. He added that he doesn't want to have a regular church, "It has to be different. We don't want to be like everyone else,". Of course you don't, that would be sooooo fin. You just have to be "unique". Just like the 150,000 othe "unique" L-train riding, trustafarian Vegan DJ baristas living in parentally subsidized Billyburg lofts wearing the same kaffiyah, red beard, and wool hats and scarves in the middle of summer..

"It's going to be tough trying to convince people that we're authentic, but people will know that we are real," YOU ARE NOT AUTHENTIC! You are just trying to get people to pay attention to you, which is the only thing hipsters. people will not just "know" you are real. They read this article and "know" you are a joke. The only thing this church does differently is members use a bible app on their iphones instead of using an actual bible and mingle over "indie music and donuts" Those donuts better be gluten free organic and sustainable or I call shenanigans.

Hipster Minister in his best $265 Summer Wool Cap

Justice has been served

I'm sure many of you heard about the woman who was arrested for talking on her cellphone in a Amtrak silent car. This type of shit just drives me crazy, as I take public transportation almost every day and am exposed to rude, arrogant or ignorant people. That's why I got myself one of these handy dandy illegal cell phone blockers from China. (This American  site is expensive but look around the web and the Chinese sites are a fraction of the price) For about $50, you can enjoy a circle of silence around you. Sometimes I go weeks without having to use it, but when I do want it it is there for me. I am not a complete dick so I give people a minute or two to finish up their conversation before I use the jammer, as many people use their phone to make arrangements to pick up their kids and other important stuff.  I also will use my phone on the subway or bus but make sure after a minute to say, "I'm on the subway/bus, I will call you back later".

One thing I have noticed over the past few years of using this device is that  while most people I have to use the jammer on is women, the women seem to come from every ethnic background. It is just as likely I will use it on Mexican women on the bus in Sunset Park, a Orthodox Jewish woman in Boro Park, a yappy Italian/Greek on the express bus, or any ethnicity teenager anywhere in the city. I love watching the angry/confused look on their face when they get zero bars in the middle of an in depth conversation about some nonsense. I urge you all to get one today. They are also useful for teachers or anyone else who needs to command the undivided attention of a room full of people.

First Annual African American National Spelling Bee Championship

No, this is not a joke where contestants spell in ebonics (although that would be funny, maybe we should start one???). It is an actual event to boost the self esteem of poorly performing black students. What a joke. Just because girls and black kids cant spell doesn't mean they should have their own competition where everyone wins. According to Houston news outlet ktrh:

Dozens of Houston area kids will be competing for scholarships and other prizes this weekend, but we still know little, if anything about the 1st African-American Spelling Bee Championships being held Saturday in Houston.

Organizers did not return phone calls from KTRH News seeking an update on the event.

We first brought you this story two months ago, and it sparked a heated on-air debate between KTRH talk show host Michael Berry and the spelling bee's Jackie Terrell on why African-American children should have a separate competition from the more popular Scripps National Spelling Bee.

"You're telling these young black children you're not good enough to compete, you don't have the parental support and school support, so we'll create something you can win," said Berry.  "They have a trophy that's meaningless, there's no honor in that."

Terrell fired back saying "There is honor in that, we're creating an opportunity they wouldn't otherwise have."

What a joke. 

Hipsters Setting the Bar High Again

I don't go to the movies often because paying $30 to sit in a bedbug infested theater and watch another Nicholas Cage blockbuster is just not that enjoyable to me. Some people do love going to the movies because of the experience. A big bucket of popcorn, soda, and a huge screen are all good things.

Now that God has sent us the Hipster to show us how to live our lives in the most authentically deck way possible, there is no longer a need to go to the megaplex. Just hop on your fixie and find the nearest alley. The "ethos of the movement" and mob flash style organizing will make sure the alley is packed by red bearded Ethans and housedress wearing Meghans within minutes. If there are no homeless people smoking crack in the alley, set up your authentically deck projector and pop that crappy euro indie film nonsense on the reel. The event will be hosted by Forking Tasty’s blogging brothers, who are serve some local artisanally made cinema-inspired popcorn with flavors like A Streetcar Named Desire (Cajun), Indiana Jones (garam masala), Goodfellas (Parmesan and parsley), and Austin Powers (salt and vinegar). (Rumor is there is a fifth flavor with duck fat and truffle salt).

If you are interested in more information about this event, please handcuff yourself and jump into the East River.

Cyberbullying is not working, bring back REAL BULLYING!

Back in the day when our society imposed morals, stigma helped ensure each family had two parents and people ate enough food to survive but not eat so much as to actually fuse themselves to their recliner because they are too fat to stand. Although we have progressed so far in science, technology and human rights, our moral compass of what is right and wrong has just fallen so fucking far off the map. We need to BRING BACK STIGMA, and bring it back hard!

Stigma has helped address moral issues in the past, from those colonial whores (The Scarlet Letter) to our modern fight to reduce cigarette use. But nothing pisses me off more than fat kids. Doritos for breakfast, pizza topped with ranch dressing for 1st lunch, roast beef with mayo for 2nd lunch and philly cheese steak with a side of onion rings for 3rd lunch eating fat fucking obese monsters. Just this morning I saw some little TIN (Thug In Training) at the deli using his gummint bemefits card to buy 8 bags of Doritos for breakfast. And dont give me that bs, "there is no fresh fruits or veggies marketed to underserved neighborhood" nonsense. There is a supermarket right next door. Eat a banana. Or an apple. Its two thousand and fucking 11. Even poor people can watch Dr. oz telling them fat=bad. they can use this thing called the internet. I know obese poor people use the internet it because of the existence of websites such as craigslist and world star hip hop. So use it to visit one of the thousands of sites that show you how to not be fat.

Research has shown that one third of overweight girls and a quarter of overweight boys have been subject to bullying either through physical aggression, verbal teasing, or social seclusion. Maybe if stigma held a real meaning like it did back in the day these fat kids might think, "Hey, there IS something wrong with me. Maybe I shouldnt eat that whole box of oreos every single night before bed".

The same study showed Obese children who are bullied, teased or harassed are more likely to experience depression and have a higher incidence of suicidal thoughts. These children also are less likely to voluntarily engage in the very exercise, nutrition and fitness programs that could help restore their good health. REALLY!!!!!!!!!!! Fat kids are averse to nutrition and exercise?? I never would have thought.

Peer bullying can start as early as preschool. Preschool! So even a 4 year old knows there is something wrong with eating more food than a small African village eats in 3 months. Why does this stigma not translate into less fat people? Because bullies these days aren't cutting it. Cyberbullying, this 21st century form of bullying just isn't getting the job done. We need more bullying, more stigma and less obesity. For more on why obesity is fucking horrible, please read this article.

This appetizer before breakfast is amazing!!

I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant (teen edition)

There are thousands if not hundreds of thousands of different reasons why fat and stupid people should not have children. As proof of the exploding global population, we have seen a huge increase in obesity related disease such as diabetes and heart disease, as well as NASCAR and NHL fans. According to my scientific estimates, there are 5.9 billion excess people present on earth. This is unsustainable and totally not organic!

Teen Mom Amber Fatwood and her 400 lb baby daddy are the proud parents of fat white trash baby Leah. Amber got this tattoo to "prove how much she loves her baby so she never loses custody again". This teen mom is so disgusting that she leaked nude photos of herself and the entire internet shut itself down. She wants to be a "pinup model". I think she is more likely to be a Nobel Prize inning chemist or Pulitzer Prize winning author, but most likely to be a Walmart greeter. Her body isn't horrible, its her face that makes me want to punch my corneas with ice picks. Her body is only halfway decent because she is 17. Give her 3 more years + 3 more kids + more jail time and shell be pushing 350 lbs.

Pay Attention to Me Hipster Beards

Sometimes a facial hair style comes along that is just so much more awesome than any that preceded it. This is not one of those times. The newest hipster facial hair style, the Monkeytail, is just so much worse than any of its forefathers. It is now the preferred Hipster facial hair style, as it will prevent them from ever having meaningful employment.

Original Monkeytail

The Striped Monkeytail

Duckface Monkeytail Douchebag Combo