Unique, Local, Sustainable, Fair Trade Bullshit

I am disgusted to announce the opening of yet another "local", "sustainable", "fair trade", "unique",  insert hipster cliche here boutique masquerading as a viable business. The Owl and Thisle General Store is an "urban mercantile specializing in local, green, fair and direct-trade products". Here is a sample of the garbage they will be selling to douchebaghipsteryuppies for a 10,000% markup:

All natural play dough in aromatic varieties like cardamom, lemongrass, and lavender. "ooooh little Tyler and Brook simply adore their lemongrass playdough! They would never use unpretentiously non-unique flavored playdough!"

Night Owl Paper Goods: Eco-chic wooden goodies and handmade paper goods crafted by a midwestern couople with a passion for craftmanship, detail and of course the environment.

Mclure's Pickles- These artisanally made and locally produced pickles retail for a mere $10 for a 32 ounce jar. Check this article out for more about how the Hipster thinks they invented pickles.

The granola sold at this abomination of a genral store hails from The Granola Lab. Their granola is artisanally made in their overpriced Billyburg loft. Of course it is. 

And finally, no authentic and unique general store would be complete without fair trade handbags, jewelry and accessories produced at the Awava women's cooperative in Uganda. You can actually buy a reasonably priced handbag from that website for about $20. I have no doubt the gentrifying general store will mark that up about 1000%.

Artisanal pottery and jewelry maker Yudaya Nakibuka dreads the day when
gentrifyingDJ/Barista/production assistant bloggers price her out of her Ugandan
hut and she is forced to move to a less gentrifiried village 6 subway stops to the east

Michelle Bachmann has work to do

Michelle Bachmann, the best female politician, proves that women can "successfully" parrot the correct ideas of strong, masculine men upon accidentally wandering out of the kitchen. Bachmann opposes "illegal" immigration, favors governmental austerity, and has a hilarious "reading list" of economists. (Yes, despite her "Austrian" disposition, she quickly cites the works of Walt Whitman and Thomas Sowell, making her impervious to charges of racism!)

Fact: Michelle Bachmann has a killer pussy. Certifiably, it is at least as tight as a man's anus, which was enough to certify her well-meaning husband as a card-carrying heterosexual. Many jokes have been made about Marcus Bachmann's effeminate vocal intonations (all by the "tolerant" left, of course). You would think that the progessive leftists disliked faggotry based on how viciously they mock him. Seriously, read the comments on any left-wing website with an "expose" on the "shocking" details of the Bachmann gay rehab clinic. Better yet, I'll just quote a gay:

“Otherwise we’re just promoting the same narrow-minded and one-dimensional interpretation of what constitutes a homosexual and what constitutes a man, not to mention furthering the line of thinking that gay men are put on this earth to amuse everyone and serve as cultural clowns.”

Exactly. That’s why I can’t stand all the “Marcus Bachmann is gay” jokes…Especially since most of the ones I have heard in the media have come from straight “liberal” men.

Michelle Bachmann is a quintessential neocon, intent on spreading heterosexual democracy to all corners of the earth. She has given the requisite slurping blowjob to Israel and Jews that is required of American political candidates. But Mrs. Bachmann still has work to do on the home front.

Yes, recently the nonpartisan media revealed that Bachmann's own local district was "suffering" from a flurry of gay teen suicides. Homosexuality, considered a mental disorder on its own until (usurping jews normalized it in) 1973, has apparently been rearing its ugly head in the super-fagged-out state of Minnesota.

"Over the past two years, a total of nine teenagers have committed suicide in a Minnesota school district represented by Rep. Michele Bachmann—the latest in May—and many more students have attempted to take their lives."

Wow, that's a lot of dead gays!

"Some of the victims were gay, or perceived to be by their classmates, and many were reportedly bullied."

Oh, so not all nine were actually gay or bullied. Poor kids, I wonder if they would've persisted through their mental problems if they'd known that their legacies would be lumped in with a bunch of broken faggots. "Bullying" is a healthy and natural form of evolutionary competition, and the scare quotes around that word come from the pro-faggot regime's histrionic indignation over so much as a raised eyebrow. Only a plump, robust society could tolerate so much unhealthiness, but this point has been griped about elsewhere.

Michelle Bachmann failed her constituents. She did not "pray the gay away" from the hormonally-imbalanced, cisgender-disabled white kids (yes they are all white) who became a hero in her home state. Bachmann's bullying efforts were not strong enough (no surprise; she is a woman), and her Christianity lacked the necessary conviction (no surprise; she loves Jews). She must strive harder to accomplish her goals (whatever they are).

** Honestly, read the whole fucking account of the unstable, "married" queer who "exposed" the Marcus Bachmann therapy clinic. Dare yourself to finish it. There is absolutely nothing mean-spirited, "immoral", or empirically-unsound about the entire operation. All the authority figures seemed to grasp the informal, nebulous concept and sought only to steer gays away from their unsafe hypersexuality by way of a spiritual foundation. The "pray the gay away" catchphrase is a creation of the apologist media; it is purposefully dumb as a deceit to sympathetic normals. Wow, I thought once gays got "married" they would settle down and behave like the rest of us and not embark on hysterical smear campaigns! I never saw this coming!!

Hipster Cliches Strike Again!

Last week the FBI raided notorious Hipster infestation the McKibbon Lofts in East Billyburg. This short 300 word article is composed of such a thick concentration of hipster cliches you cant read one line without choking on the cultural pollution. 

From shitbag Hipster cliche 21 year old Meaghan the bed bug infested DJ/Barista/Invisible Art Patron to the "original" band "from" NYC's hip Billyburg nabe, this article truly has it all! The apartment raided actually belonged to shitty unoriginal Hipster band Broken Glow. According to their Myspace bio "Broken Glow is an original Rock band hailing from Brooklyn, NY. Originally from Hartford, CT the band now resides in NYC. Fusing a variety of styles including Classic, 90's, and Grunge Rock mingled with Blues, Alternative and Jazz, Broken Glow has created a sound uniquely their own..." Originally from Hartford but also from Brooklyn. Assholes.

This should be an unwanted poster

Follow me on Twitter @sorevelant or Bud Kilmer Will Kill You

Do it! Do it now!

"the only pain that matters is the pain you inflict...cry me a river, you fat fucking baby! "

Brooklyn & NOT Brooklyn

One of my favorite Blogs, Diehipster.com has a section dedicated to what is Brooklyn and what is definitely NOT Brooklyn. I decided to make a few of my own. Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

Contrary Clown-Fuckers Ride the Deckest Bike in the Universe

Anna the Artisinally Unemployed Anorexic Pratt Graduate

Why buy just any bike when you can be "unique"??? Republic bikes are so unique they have two unique body-frames: the unique Hipster #1 Classic Fixie and the unique Hipster #2 Custom Plato Dutch, which comes in one and three speed models. (Note: the Hipster #1 Classic Fixie Model also comes in an alternate unique Fauxhemian style. This style allows you to look unique and cool by making it appear as if you are riding a fixie while you actually pedal the bike like a normal non-unique person.)

Predicable counter-culture seems to have embraced the Native American (or as Hipsters call them– First Nations) practice of being “Contrary.” For those of you unaware of this phenomenon, a Contrary was a member of a tribal group who deliberately acted opposite of other tribal members. In fact, much like the Hipsters of today, Contraries were a distinct minority loosely organized into a cult devoted to the practice of “backwards” behavior.

Contraries were partially related to the Clown organizations of the Native American tribes. The Lakota word “heyoka,” translates literally to the term "clown". Hence, these Hipster doofuses are, in fact, copycat clown-fuckers. While the Contrary Native Americans rode their horses backward, our contemporary clown-fuckers have managed to find a mode of transportation that is counter-productive in relation to what is available today.

The only real remedy for such Contrary behavior is to shun the “backwards warrior” into isolation so that their counterproductive behavior does not disrupt and/or infect the rest of society by running over any Hipster clown-fucker riding a Republic bike with your car, SUV, regular bike, Segway, roller/inline skates, etc. If you are lucky enough to see a Segway running over a Hipster-doofus on a Republic bike, immediately run over the Segway also.

Sadly, this picture needs no caption.

Christ Compels You to NOT be a Gay Hipster

The suburban Hipster subculture is luring innocent Christians everywhere to commit sins that only the age-old practice of paying indulgences could remedy. And who are we to question drawing upon the Treasury of Merit accumulated by Christ's superabundantly meritorious sacrifice on the cross and the virtues and penances of the saints? Oh wait, that makes absolutely no sense.

Anyway, I had to reprint this awesome article in its entirety. The only thing that seems to be missing is the gay-hipster trend of wearing “summer scarves”. Is anything gayer than wearing a piece of fabric to keep your neck warm in 95 degree weather? I think not. Please follow the advice at the end of the article:

A recent trend amongst teenagers in the suburban areas is to be a “hipster”. For those concerned parents who don’t know what this is. Hipsters are bohemian, homosexuals who enjoy obscure music and the atmosphere of that permits gay sexual acts to occur. To prime themselves for gay sex, many hipsters will wear v neck shirts allowing members of the same sex to realize their orientation and seduce them into gay lucid acts. They can be seen riding single speed bikes that are a beacon to other hipster-gays letting them know they are single and ready to mingle. They will often meet each other and indoctrinate youths at music festivals, American Apparel, Urban Outfitters and at liberal arts colleges. They will convince your child to do poorly in school and blame the teacher because “they don’t understand his/her art”. They will then get black out drunk on Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer so they can engage in violent gay sex acts while listening to obscure bands whose lyrics promote such disgusting deviant acts. 

In a Recent event in a suburban high school, there have been reports of hipster-gay’s take trains down from Chicago to assault suburban teenagers. In one such instance an asian hipster-gay, a noted sexual deviant (it goes without saying), with nose piercings, and a rather obscenely small penis, punched a student in the face at his graduation. Hipster gay’s try to compensate for their sexual malfeasance by running tattoo parlors from their dorms. This is how they spread HIV/AIDS to the general population of hipster gays. A hipster-gay in Naperville and reputed ball gargling champion of the western suburbs, was distinguished as Patient 0 of AIDS in the Chicago-land area. Hipster gay’s will try to fool you by pretending to date short fat jews, but they really engage in massive gay orgies with each other.

The culture of hipster-gay’s is an enigma. They represent a counterculture that is a threat to the Christian Youths that are the pride of our nation. If you see a hipster riding a bike on the street, do us all a favor and run his gay ass over with your car.

Run her over with your car, please!

Planking

I am not going to explain why the newest Hipster fad planking is is the dumbest game ever. It just is. Planking has three intricate steps: Step 1: lay down. Step 2: Take a picture of yourself laying down. Step 3: Put that picture on the internet. Check out this awesome planking fail. 
I remember doing some planking right after that movie The Program came out by lying in the middle of the street like the dumbasses in the movie. But that was pre-internet planking. We had no one to document our stupidity. Only we knew how cool we were. Planking can be awesome if done correctly, like this. However, that guy is still a douch for naming his planks. He is Steve from LA. Not Chocolate Thunder. 

The Original Planker

Thankfully, Planking is not acceptable practice. Xzibit is shitting on this crazy cracker fad because he thinks the game originates from in the slave trade, so therefore, it must be racist. Professor of African American History at Pimp my Ride University adds "Don't get it twisted. I care less where your dumb asses lay face down and take pictures of the shit, I'm just telling you where it came from." That's dumber that Rashard Mendenhall's tirade about 9/11. I guess basketball has origins in the slave trade cause they used nets to catch slaves. And hockey is problematic because sticks were used to hit slaves. And they use nets in hockey too. Planking is not racist. Swimming is racist

La Revolicion!

This past Saturday I had the pleasure of visiting some cousins on the northern end of Rockaway beach. Little did I know that this location is the new hip spot for South American Revolutionaries to plan their Socialist takeovers. To our consternation, sitting close-by were three men and three women drinking and calling each other "bro" at an unrelenting pace. Of course, they picked a spot to place their hand-woven, corn husk beach mats that was just in earshot of the government portion (Riis Park) of the beach, so they could endlessly pretend to empathize with the plight of the proletariat.

Their plans for worldwide Communist domination hit a snag when they spent two hours burying each other in sand and drinking PBR's. I heard Ethan quip, “I’ll fucking fly your kite with you bro,” but I could barely even see him as his desert camouflage made him practically invisible in the sand, although his 4 sizes too short pink shorts distinguished him from the rest of the useless crew. Interestingly, while Ethan and his friend Dirk, who insisted on being referred to as Stryker, were not Cuban dictators, they had each managed to purchase the exact same “unique” hat.

Their $140,000 liberal arts degrees, world class culture and self esteem issues have now made Rockapulco THE PLACE TO BE AND BE SEEN if you have ironic facial hair and can talk for over 20 minutes about how to make a cup of coffee. Thankfully, many of these Hipster twats will be blind before they hit middle age for wearing day-glow colored plastic sunglasses purchased at American outfitters for $200 that don't have any UVA protection.

Viva la Revolucion

For the last couple of years, my cousin has been telling us to stop at the taco place on 96th Street on our way home for some bomb ass fish tacos. I like a good taco. However, I don’t like Hipsters. As a member of the FDNY for over 20 years, he has witnessed filthy, disgusting people doing horrible things to themselves and each other, which is why he can tolerate waiting on line for a taco with a crowd of subhuman Hipsters. I work in an office and my stomach is not as strong as his. After waiting on line surrounded by the horrible Hipster infestation, reading the wanted ads from people selling hundreds of thousand of "rare" records, and finally seeing the cook with a beard at least 1000 times the size of his genitalia, I started profusely vomiting all over myself and the other patrons. In a state of actual irony, my puke hit a passerby’s tattoo of puke. The taco wasn’t bad, but those fuckers ripped me off for my guacamole.

Meghan the unoriginal housedress wearing bed bug carrier waits for her taco

Instead of going home, we ventured off to a few bars. Unfortunately I was forced onto the awful L train at about 10PM on a Saturday night. I saw the likes of people I had no explanation for. An innocent Pakistani family of four children and their parents stood near me on the platform, scared and confused at these weird, useless humans plying their nonsense. I smiled at them, sensing their fear and bewilderment at these strange surrounding. I told them they should not be afraid of these people, only to be ashamed for them.

I don't need no math or science lessons, I got me a can with some quarters and nickles!

Keep up the Good Work!

Our intolerance of bullshit is working to drive the Hipsters back to their native cul de sacs, keep up the good work everyone! Do your part today, kick a Hipster in the mouth.

Stupid Japs

OHHHH, ME ROVE U RONG TIME!

Asian advocacy groups are fuming over the upcoming public screening of the classic film "Breakfast at Tiffany's" at Brooklyn Bridge Park next month. Ursula Liang, a shitbag Hipster blowhard who launched the petition against the screening stated “It’s outrageous that public funding would sponsor a film like that...It’s not appropriate to show in this day and age.” This 1961 movie featuring Audrey Hepburn includes the role of Micky Rooney as Mr. Yunioshi, a buck toothed neighbor with coke bottle glasses who speaks with an exaggerated Asian accent in one minor scene. Marcie Chin, a South Park Slope resident, adds it "is highly insensitive and socially irresponsible”. What these dumb shits don't realize is that all movies and all pop culture must be viewed through the lens of history. In 1961,the vast majority of citizens were WWII veterans and their immediate families. The moviegoers of the day had killed millions of Japanese people just 15 years earlier, and had their friends and tortured and blown apart by vicious bloodthirsty Japanese soldiers. The bloody Korean War had just ended 8 years prior, more recent to them than 9/11 to us. So yes, making fun of Japs and Asians was, and remains funny. We all know racism is wrong, but we must acknowledge that is a part of our history. American dehumanization of blacks throughout slavery and Jim Crow was exemplified in Mark Twain's classic Huckleberry Fin. Last year word one publisher stated that readers were offended and changed the word "nigger" in the book to "slave", although they are not synonymous. If you don't want to appreciate the book, don't read it. If you don't like offensive movies, don't see them.

Maybe our children and grandchildren will live in a world with less racism. We're far better off than our parents and grandparents generations in that regard. That doesn't mean we should forget or rewrite history. There are many lessons we should not forget. For example, my grandfather was a very tolerant man, he even appreciated Oprah and Obama in his later years. But he was so disgusted by what he witnessed in China during WWII, he could not believe they were human beings. He carried the belief that Asians were subhuman animals to his grave. And I could not argue that point with him. We must not forget the lesson behind the racism of the day; that Japs are bloodthirsty animals who wish to rape our lands and people, love anime to the point they get gay over it, have suicide rates that rival latina teenagers, and are just, in general, a shitty angry stupid culture. All past, current and future Jap anger is probably due to, as South Park has proven, their small penises.

Another Hipster Garbage Art Barge

As if this horrible piece of future sunken Gowanus garbage wasnt enough, Hipsters are now bringing their entitled cul de sac mentality to Jamaica Bay. The mariners who use Pier 59 must be absolutely thrilled their work environment is now being polluted with the likes of the 34 year old child/designer Katie McKay "from" Brooklyn, who is on a self proclaimed "post-apocalyptic adventure”. Listen Katie, we are glad you can have a good time here on your NYC vacation, but don't act like you are inventing the world. Jamaica Bay has been a normal, working class Brooklyn setting for hundreds of years. The only thing you have added is another type of pollution. Adding to the already existing water, air and noise pollution, we now have the additional problem of cultural pollution.

Sponsored by Queens Gallery the Flux Factory, (the useless Hipster shitstains responsible for the Original Art Boat,)the goal of this project, the Boatel, is "the fulfillment of a longtime desire to exist on the water in a way that is creative and financially self-sustaining". However, the art boat hotel is completely unsustainable. Its uses a temporarily donated berth to earn $50-$100 per day, and is paid for with volunteer labor and the trust funds of various "Brooklyn artists". Once summer ends, I can guarantee these entitled brats won't be working long, if any, hours on the dock.

The Boatel is located in the Rockaways, which was only recently discovered thanks to the Hipster crowd. The founding artist, Ms. Constance Hockaday, had never even been to Rockaway, although after moving here from Texas she spent plenty of time in Brooklyn. Another stupid fuck who volunteered for the project, an actor and carpenter "from" Bushwick said "There's not many places I’ve been to where you can see wetlands, public housing, a school bus depot, an international airport and five species of birds". Wow its like the five amazing natural and cultural backdrops he was looking for his whole life just appeared before him. Lets add a waste transfer station, a rain forest, a bike repair/coffee shop and a space shuttle launching pad and this stupid fuck will be in ironic Hipster heaven.

"Artist" Constance Hockaday (on right) used 10% of her budget on that nifty neon sign

Cyberbulling is a Serious Problem?

Bullying online is easy cause anyone can do it. You don't need to be strong or smart. Which is why it is easy to fight back if you are a victim of cyber bullying. If you are always the victim and cant figure out why or how to fight back, you probably deserve it. Studies have shown victims of cyber victims more likely to be anxious, insecure, depressed, have low-self esteem, socially isolated, unpopular, lack social skills and be physically weaker than their peers. They are another type of nature's victim 

In pre-internet days bullies may have punched or kicked their victim, or even taken his/her lunch money. But now Cyberbullies can take something much more valuable; the victim's self esteem. Current generations seem to live on self esteem and an inflated sense of worth and entitlement. Take those critical personality components awaya via cyberbullying and you are left with a pile of teenage suicide victims. These victims are the weak minded individuals who society didn't really need anyway.

The first aspect of stopping cyberbullying is easy.  Its kind of an easy one, even real victims should be able to handle it. Turn the computer off. You can't be cyberbullied if you're not online. If you are not smarter or stronger than your attacker, or can't figure out how to turn the computer off or avoid Facebook, you probably deserve to get bullied. Weak people get picked on. Its just the way of the world. The lion would starve if s/he picked on the most powerful bull elephant. The weak and vulnerable get preyed upon. Its science, duh. So how do we prevent our children from being victims? Easy, do the opposite of what these parents are doing. Don't raise your children to be vulnerable victims. Teach them that the world is filled with people that will fuck you and eat you alive. And not to tolerate that bullshit.