Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Final Solution (For Hipsters)

There is much bitching and moaning about why we hate Hipsters and wish they would go away. However, there is little being done to proactively address the situation. I mean, we can wait around till they all get cancer and die, or until they sterilize themselves out of existence, but I don't want to wait that long. I want them gone. Not next year. Not next month. I want them gone now. While my respected colleagues at Die Hipster wish the Hipsters would all Die, this is just not a viable long term solution. There are just too many Hipsters to kill and they have become entrenched into every filthy crevice of our society. We all know the Hipster extinction wont occur overnight, so here are a few steps we all must take to ensure the steady decrease of the Hipster population:

1. The good old fashioned Hipster Boycott. Vote with your wallet and do not patronize businesses that are owned by Hipsters, cater to Hipsters or use Hipsters in their advertising. There is always a non-Hipster alternative. Let businesses know why you are not patronizing them.

2. If you are the parent of a Hipster, cut off funding IMMEDIATELY. If your child is 23 or older and still displaying Hisperish tendencies, there is little that you can do to reestablish yourself as a "Good Parent", as you have already failed thus far, but there is hope for the next generation. Don't let this go any further. Do not purchase any more art supplies. Cut off all credit cards. Do not make any more car, rent, or mortage payments. Buy him/her a real suit with real shoes in which they can look like a real person on a real job interview, not a thrift store reject.

3. If you are in a position of authority, do NOT, under any circumstance, hire a Hipster. Even if you work in a Hipster friendly field such as bartending/service industry, or media production, DO NOT HIRE A HIPSTER. There are thousands of normal hardworking students, immigrants, and teenagers and young adults with career aspirations out there that would love to work at this position as a stepping stone in their career. Unlike the Hipster, who simply wishes to be a Barista/Production Assistant forever while they do their papier mache art/keyboard composing on the side. Hiring these part time losers simply encourages their poor behavior. We must as a society collectively scream NO and rub their noses in it.

4. Do not acknowledge Hipsters. There are three subsets to this category:
     A) If their accordion, banjo and keytar "band" is playing 1980's cartoon theme songs in the subway, stand directly in front of them with your back to them. Yes, I loved the Silverhawks too, but Hipsters survive on attention. If they are ignored, they shrivel up and die.
     B) If a Hipster is walking towards you, walk right through them*. Hipsters are not real people, thus they must not be treated as such. *Note: after applying this tactic, make sure to shower and dispose of all your clothes immediately in order to avoid bed bugs.     
     C) If you are in sales, do not serve any Hipster. That parentally funded commission might seem nice, but if we as a society shun them, they will leave us and move back to Canada or the Midwest and bother people there. Start by not making eye contact and move on to serving other customers. Most times the Hipster will slink out of the store unnoticed, as they were taught to avoid confrontation under any circumstance.

I know this list if far from complete, as we have just begun to address this problem. Please post any more ideas you may have.


  1. "walk right through them.Hipsters are not real people"=brilliant.

  2. Nothing is more trite than a self-proclaimed anti-hipster. The word "hipster" is a meaningless, catch-all term that people of color use for young whites who move into their neighborhood, that cranky Gen X-ers use for Millenials who follow their own sense of fashion, for poor kids to use for kids who have more money than them, and for conformists to use for those who dare to have different priorities. When I hear someone sneer at hipsters, it always says more about the sneer-er than the sneer-ee.

    Who else but a wretch would complain all the time about hipsters but a wretch of a person. On the bright side, with all the publicity the miserable whiners give to hipsters, more people who prefer to live happier lives will look at the wretches then look at the hipsters and choose to rather associate with the hipsters and/or become one. Think about it.

    Anti-hipster sentiment is really based on a resentment of people who have healthier and more fulfilling social lives. Judging from their comments, a lot of anti-hipster sentiment evidently comes from "tough guy" non-intellectual homophobic macho types who feel that the more sensitive, intelligent, physically slimmer, and culturally aware hipster ideal threatens their insecure sense of masculinity. At some point in their lives they probably got mocked and ridiculed, or even had beer poured all over their heads, by some downtown girl with a tattoo (aka "hipster") after trying to pull some lame move on them. If you think about it, in some ways the entire hipster revolution came about to mock and ridicule such people and their mentalities. It's not about meat and muscle anymore. Anti-hipster sentiment often comes from people who simply can't keep up with social change and are envious of those who can. can always rate the amount of insecurity someone has by the amount they rant about hipsters.

    1. Are all hipsters as fucking dumb as you? Sorry, I'm an anti-racist, anti-homophobe, revolutionary-politicking fucking person, but I am aslo a fucking anti-hipster to the bone. You think hipsterism is a revolution? Kid, you don't know what revolution entails. You think hipsters are social? They're social like rugrats in a playpen, and you guys have no solidarity with each other--you're all just convenient playthings to each other, and you won't know a single one of your hipster fuck friends in ten years.

      The hipster "revolution" (LOL!) came about because of indulgent, overprivileged, politically ignorant, apathetic, spoiled, untalented little booger-eating fucksticks like you would rather gloat about being supposed rebels, while reliably and consistently conforming to fashion, shallow politics, KONY2012-pushing, greenwashing fair-weather pseudo-environmentalism, take-the-path-of-least-resistance volunteerism, FUCK I WANT TO PUNCH YOUR PRIVILEGED FACE THROUGH THIS KEYBOARD.

  3. "Trey Parasuco" the loneliest hipster troll. So Sad. So very sad.

  4. Hey Trey love your response. See you at the next NAMBLA meeting

    -Gay Fish Yo

  5. This reminds me of my own three point plan for undoing all the mischief the jews have been perpetrating since their post-WW2 en masse arrival here.

    1. Replace 'aggregate demand' fiscal policies with supply-side sensibility. Returning to a weighted currency will put a stop to the excessive credit lines that hipsters draw on.

    2. Declare English as the national language and Christianity as the national religion. Not removing the freedom to abstain, but rather acknowledging the singular cultural norms that founded and developed this country for 200 years. This could help some of those hipsters find a direction.

    3. Subsidize the manufacturing sector. Nothing chafes hipsters like the thought of a well-paying hard day's work, and face it, we need plenty of menial labor jobs for our talentless, effete youth.

    1. Go back to Stormfront. Seriously, you boneheads just lurk on any popular sentiment that exists. You can't build anything yourselves. The only thing worse than a hipster? A white supremacist.

  6. Trey had nothing, huh?
    P.S. isn't he more Emo than Hipster, anyway?

  7. Hipser bashing is for sad lonely virgins who are in denial about their own obsessions over cultural sensibilities.

  8. Trey Parasucko ,

    Please come over to die.hipster and debate me , you postmodernist /relativist, MTV generation , opinion- respecting, tolerant , quisling sellout !

    Hipsters are the ultimate conformists . The kitsch based sensibility of MTV pervades the hipster mileu .

    Bourgeous sellout hipster creeps are the adversary of true avante-garde causes .

  9. Notice how the *other* person who was listed as anonymous , disparages people who denounce the hipsters as virgins AS IF being a virgin were something undesirable .

    Just goes to show how hipsters have an adolescent enamorment with and liking for liberated sexuality .

    Karl Marx was wrong about religion being the opiate of the masses . Sex is the opiate of the masses !

    Note to proposal number 2 .

    Taking away a kids art supplies is NOT the solution for the hipster problem .

    A better solution is to tell the kids , if you want to be a good artist, then first you have to STOP watching television (the only exception being documentaries on PBS) .

    Getting them to stop watching television would be a step in getting them to be artists with an authentic aesthetic be artists that have genuine sincerity and idealism ...NOT an ambivalent/conflicted ...goofy , MTV generation postmodernist kitch artist .

    Tell them that the ticket to being a good artist is ..STOP BEING chic /trendy and contemporary .

    Tell them that the ticket to being a good artist is to be single minded and NOT to some goofy , lateral thinking person who supports postmodern irony and the mundane kitsch that results from it !

    The solution to hipsters is NOT to foster pragmatic meat and potatoes people , but, instead, the solution is to encourage good , quaint old sincere idealism, and DIScourage postmodernist ambivalent sellouts and the MTV era kitsch they make !

    Ambivalent thinking =sellout thinking .

    The purist approach =integrity .

    Contrary to popular opinion, so-called shades of gray are no substitute for accuracy and Truth .

  10. My problem with these "hipsters" is they lack respect for other people that do not conform to them. Crab on pizza is not for me. Kickball was fun when I was ten. Working somewhere that doesn't cater to my interests doesn't make me a zombie. When there is an exit/entrance door at an establishment, I choose not to stand in front of it to be "seen". Sidewalk etiquette is very important to me, because in NY 15 seconds can cost you 15 mins.I am an asshole to people who deserve the "tude". I was overpriced out of my "nabe" in the lower east side after living there for 30 years. I couldn't be more happier with my new place, but still makes me sad to leave. Good day to you ACW.

  11. What is douchier than a hipster? Someone who uses "the final solution" as a lame attempt at humor. It's especially cruel for people whose families were decimated during the actual Final Solution.