Party of the Year!

Brandston the Artisnal Hipster Douche <3's his l><l

I was out of NYC for just one week and missed the party of the year, the 2011 Jazz Age Lawn Party that took place on Governors Island last weekend. "Party like it’s 1929 at this daytime fete, where attendees wear period attire, Lindy Hop to live jazz, sip St-Germain cocktails, and play tug-of-war." Fuck you NY Times Party of the year. This year was the largest in the six years that the Jazz Age Lawn Party has been taking place, and that's not hard to believe when you consider the ever rising numbers of leisure class Hipster douchebags infesting the City. Where else would Ethan the Emaciated Knitting Emcee and Meghan the Slutty Bisexual Apprentice Carpenter find themselves on a rainy summer afternoon but at a theme party harkening back to the leisure class party days of the 1920's."the valiant crew of mixologists finally ran out of booze just after 4 pm". You mean they threw a shitty party and ran out of beer a few hours after the party started. The party of the year indeed.

Hipster Boycott

A few months ago we began a plan to eliminate all Hipsters; The Final Solution for Hipsters. We have made some progress but have not yet destroyed the Hipster. Help the cause by signing this petition.

The next stage is to boycott the brands below that cater to Hipsters by using them in their advertising campaigns. I don't want to see Hipsters on the street, so what asshole 23 year old advertising executive thinks I want to hear or see them on television? I left off the list any obviously Hipster brand such as American Apparel, hats that look like animals, Apple, Urban Outfitters, MTV or the NY Times.

In alphabetical order, this is what we have come up with so far. Please feel free to add your suggestions in the comments section. Thank you and remember, there is always a NON-HIPSTER ALTERNATIVE!

Blackberry Style & Torch
Ford
Heineken
Honda
Hyundai
Levi's
McDonalds
Miracle Whip
Nexus S
Old Spice
Smirnoff
Sprint
State Farm
T-Mobile
Tommy Hilfiger
Volkswagen
Zune

One thing I noticed is that you can't watch 5 minutes of TV without seeing a commercial for shampoo, laundry detergent, or another type of cleaning product. These items NEVER use Hipsters in their advertising. I'm not sure if it is because Hipsters don't purchase cleaning products, or because normies don't want to take cleaning advice from filthy Hipsters.

We Are Really Dumb. For Real.

I always read Tuesday's NY Hipster Times so I can check out the Zionist slant they put on science. Yesterday's had two interesting articles. The first, "On Evolution, Biology Teachers Stray From Lesson Plan" discusses how only 28% of public high school biology teachers attempt to teach evolution correctly,13% preach creationism, while the middling 59% teach some sort of shitty inconclusive bastardization of science. The very next article that popped up was "Most New York Students Are Not College-Ready". According to the second article, 75% of NYC public high school grads who enroll in community colleges need to take remedial classes. I'm never shocked at government waste, especially throwing money into the cycle of shame known as our public education system, but wawaweewa. We pay undereducated idiot public school teachers to incorrectly teach the material. The students are allowed to graduate without a clue, and then we pay more teachers to reteach the same shit that had supposedly done been learned already. I place the blame solely on the parents for being disassociated lazy single parent entitled crybaby assholes. To all the parents out there, its not the school's job to make sure your kid learns, its your job. It's not a lack of funding that makes your kid fail at school and life, its your fault for sucking as a parent. Maybe those redneck creationist-teaching homeschooling assholes are right. Generation FAIL.

Gowanus Cancer Canal & The Horrible Art Boat

I'm not sure what is more of an environmental pollutant here, the cancer causing carcinogens in the water and sediment of the Gowanus Canal or the parentally funded Hipsters polluting the streets of our great city. Yesterday's NY Times featured an article confirming the threat the Gowanus poses to public health, especially to the papier mache artists/baristas/production assistant bloggers who have chosen to have repeated contact with its toxic waters. The hordes of socially underdeveloped 20-somethings who arrive armed with useless $140,000 liberal arts degrees simply see this uber authentically deck industrial background as their adult playground, not the extremely hazardous toxic waste dump that it actually is.

These suburban morons happen to find the most polluted tract of land in America on which to build their "Sculptural Rivercraft". I present the newest useless Hipster toy: the Gowanus Art Boat. I could not fucking make this shit up if I tried. So this shitty ramshackle raft that basically looks like a larger scale version of something I might have hammered together in my grandfather's woodshop when I was five years old, is now being used for an art, champagne and oyster bar in the midst of a fucking toxic waste dump? Can I get some extra mercury with my polychlorinated biphenyls? Thanks, Tyler. So deck of you.

Says Meghan: "I'll have some extra cancer with my deck scarf"

But the ridiculousness doesn't end here. They plan on shipping the boat to India and floating it down the Ganges. At least the Ganges, the communal sink and toilet of 500 million Indians, is cleaner and smells better than the Gowanus Canal. The artists plan on sailing their "boat" down to the city of Varanasi, where they will present "visual and musical events in collaboration with local musicians." That is, if they havent all died from acute lukemia by then. Does anyone else find this plan beyond crazy? 400 million Indians live in abject fucking poverty! They cant feed themselves, the last thing they want to see if Brook and Josh sailing down the Ganges in their ART BOAT.

"Dear Vishnu, I pray that you send me an Art Boat built by privileged upper middle class douchebags so that I have something to admire while I take a dysentery ridden shit in my corpse-filled drinking water."