We Are Really Dumb. For Real.

I always read Tuesday's NY Hipster Times so I can check out the Zionist slant they put on science. Yesterday's had two interesting articles. The first, "On Evolution, Biology Teachers Stray From Lesson Plan" discusses how only 28% of public high school biology teachers attempt to teach evolution correctly,13% preach creationism, while the middling 59% teach some sort of shitty inconclusive bastardization of science. The very next article that popped up was "Most New York Students Are Not College-Ready". According to the second article, 75% of NYC public high school grads who enroll in community colleges need to take remedial classes. I'm never shocked at government waste, especially throwing money into the cycle of shame known as our public education system, but wawaweewa. We pay undereducated idiot public school teachers to incorrectly teach the material. The students are allowed to graduate without a clue, and then we pay more teachers to reteach the same shit that had supposedly done been learned already. I place the blame solely on the parents for being disassociated lazy single parent entitled crybaby assholes. To all the parents out there, its not the school's job to make sure your kid learns, its your job. It's not a lack of funding that makes your kid fail at school and life, its your fault for sucking as a parent. Maybe those redneck creationist-teaching homeschooling assholes are right. Generation FAIL.

Equal Opportunity Hoggin

In honor of Black History Month, today's post is about a crime most often committed by white men. It must be a sign of improving race relations that we have seen a recent uptick in black men committing this heinous crime. In the past, this type of perverse shit was only perpetrated by mentally damaged white men. But as President Obama has proven, in 2011 a black man in America can accomplish anything a white man can. As Dr. King dreamed about, black men are no longer repressed to second class stereotypical black crimes such as mugging or car stereo theft. Welcome to the deviant big leagues my friends and equals.

The crime I speak about, of course, is having sex with domesticated animals. For generations, white people have been sick fucking bastards. Dogs, cats, chickens, pigs, cows, and horses are most typical used as bestial lovers, although theoretically a man could have sex with alomost any member of the animal kingdom. Mississippi resident Andrew Lee Nash was recently arrested for having sex with his neighbor's precious show hogs. Apparrently, he gave the hogs a vaginal infection. Nicely done Mr. Nash. After getting caught, he was released on $60,000 bond. When interviewed outside the court house, Mr. Nash said, "Damn! for 60 grand I coulda bought ten show hogs of my own to have sex with!" Mr. Nash faces a ridiculous 120 years in prison. Shit, I mean rape and murder of another human in most states is only 30 to life.

Andrew Lee Nash, a modern day Rosa Parks

The Gentrification Foundation

Last Friday I joined a group of Facebook called "Little Italy and San Gennaro Under Attack!" as a sign of support, as I go to the feast every year and I would hate to see a portion of it die off to appease a small group of gentrifying douchebags. This group arose as a natural response to the Yuppie Hipster Douches of "Nolita", who are petitioning Community Board 2 to shorten the San Gennaro Feast, cutting it off at Houston Street. Nolita was a term coined by realtors to rebrand the few blocks north of Little Italy in order to convince cultured mid-westerners that it was ok to locate their galleries and boutique t-shirt shops in Chinatown instead of neighboring Soho. The Feast has existed for 85 years, and while its religious purpose is to celebrate the Patron Saint of Naples, it serves mostly as a two week long block party where sweaty obese Italian Americans from Jersey and Long Island celebrate "the old neighborhood" by eating sausage and peppers and deep fried delicacies, and buying authentically Italian house and freestyle cd's, Jersey Shore paraphernalia, "Guido Parking Only" signs, "Kiss Me I'm Italian" t-shirts, and posters from classical Italian films such as Goodfellas, Godfather, and Scarface. I don't know why Italians love Scarface so much. I guess its probably the same reason black people and other protected minorities do; the glorification of violence and funny accents, and the storyline about a non-white dude who uses brutality and shrewdness to succeed in a country where it's hard to make it to the top you're not a well off white guy.

The Feast in more authentic grittier times

Anyway, I posted a comment pretending to be one of the gentrifiers, but I go over the top so no one with half a brain would think I was actually one of them. Apparently, I forgot that the internet is filled with mongoloid morons who take every word literally. Below is the facebook post chain, I removed the few posts from the three or four people intelligent enough who recognized the post was a joke, the rest of the content is 10000% Genuine. Wow, are people fucking stupid, especially the one chick Jennifer with her $250,000 law degree. Shitfuck.

Sam (Me):

3:40pm Feb 4

I own a boutique on Elizabeth street where I sell $140 Save Brooklyn t-shirts and Papier Mache art sculptures. We have been open for 4 months, and my business is much more important than an 85 year old street fair. My parents don't pay $4,000 a month for my 300 square foot studio for me to have to listen to street noise, and my $140,000 liberal arts degree means I am better than the people who have lived in this neighborhood for decades.

Anthony Fontana:

Hey Sam,,Who gives a fuck about you...... you couldn't be the shit under our shoes

John Zodda

3:40pm Feb 4

HEY JERKOFF IT YOUR PEOPLE YOU SCUMBAG THAT COME HERE BREAK EVERY RULE AND GET AWAY WITH IT YOU PRICK GUYS LIKE YOU IF THEY WERE IN JAIL WOULD GET SCREWED IN THERE ASSHOLE

John Zodda

3:41pm Feb 4

READ IT EVERYBODY THATS HOW YOU HANDLE SHIT YOU SHOVEL IT TO THE SIDE

Me: 

Mr. Zodda, I would love to meet you, you sound so urban and authentic! You may be interested in our "I LOVE TALKING IN ALL CAPS" clothing line. T-shirts start at $175 and hoodies cost only $440. For just a small portion of the allowance you get from your parents you too can belong to the hip crowd on Elizabeth street

Joseph Saccomanno

3:49pm Feb 4

You just not acting right Sam.

John Zodda

3:51pm Feb 4

WELL IF HE HAS BALLS HE COULD POST HIS ADRESS AND APT NO WELL SEE HOW REINED HE IS

Anna Iakoubtchik

4:03pm Feb 4

Sam you should have thought about noise before you signed the lease. You're here four months, the feast is here for 85 years and its not going anywhere!

Me:

4:08pm Feb 4

I think I will make some "Save the Feast" t-shirts and sell them to my gentrifying friends for $85 each. That way, when the feast is canceled my fellow gentrifiers and I can sit around and drink coffee and blog about how we lived here in grittier times. Thanks Anna for the awesome idea!

Jennifer Biondo

4:08pm Feb 4

Sam...let me explain something to you....I live down the block from you in my $200 dollar a month INHERITED 1000 square foot, 2 bedroom, elevated apartment and we apologize that mommy and daddy pay your bills and its unfortunate that with your "$140,000" liberal arts degree, aka..I WENT TO SCHOOL TO PLEASE MY RICH MOMMY AND DADDY, resulted in your making toilet paper sculptures. In addition to my fabulous $200 a month apartment, my QUARTER OF A MILLION DOLLARS JURIS DOCTORATE trumps your useless degree you wasted money on to make "t-shirts" and toilet paper sculptures. So, with that said...ive lived here for 26 years and continue to live here...now please...tell tell me WHERE YOU ARE IN ANY MEANS BETTER THEN ME??? Ill come visit when I run out of toilet paper.

Anna De Chirico

4:09pm Feb 4

@ Sam, wrong page wrong subject to joke around . Have some respect for peoples cultures, beleifs, and SACRED Saints. Go play legally blond someplace else. Much luck to you and your business! 300 s.q @ $4,000.00? You are blessed with common sense! Congratulations!

Me:	4:26pm Feb 4

Thanks Jennifer, I'm glad you appreciate my art! I cant wait to see you around the hood! However, I didnt spend any money on my degree, as I received a full scholarship from the Gentrification Foundation. They pay super cultured people like me to spread important culture in inner city neighborhoods. Next time we meet I will tell you all about the right way to use art to spread love, peace, and gentrification while crushing outdated local customs.

Andrew Amorosso

4:29pm Feb 4

Only 2 things come out of Montana Sam..........

Jennifer Biondo

4:32pm Feb 4

Sam...maybe you should have paid for yours because you would have more respect for yourself....as I have in myself...you want a biscuit for getting a scholarship? I didnt mention a scholarship...how do you know I don't have the same? Oh wait...you don't! I was just announcing my self worth!...What kind of "culture" are you? A cultivated potato planter from Idaho? And I would love to meet you!...Next time, you can teach me about molding toilet paper and I can teach you how to eat a Sausage and Peppers Hero off my food truck...or better yet...a Canoli from my stand in San Genarro. Stop by...the corner of Spring and Mott... 

Deborah Tardi-Montelbano

4:34pm Feb 4

Clearly you are a nut Sam! Anyone who gets a full scholarship and chooses to "study" liberal arts is only good for playing with toilet paper. Didn't your parents teach you anything? Never waste free money Sam. And if you are from Montana you know nothing about culture, all you know about is horse shit!

Phyllis Pipoli Abreu

4:35pm Feb 4

nice try Sam for one the San Gennaro Festival does not run along Elizabeth Street it runs through Mulberry Street so the noise you speak of has nothing to do with the feast it is the people like yourself who continue to open up bars and do not abide by the noise laws brooklyn Tee shirt both you and I know that so what that has to do with the Feast I do not know it should be taken up with them... second what not be important to you might be very important to someone else and visa versa no one cares what your parents pay for your rent again like it has been said many times knowing you would be paying such a high rent you should have thought twice about moving here and that our traditions were not going to stop because of what you pay for rent if it is such a bother to you where you come from awaits your return ..as for your 140.000 dollar education you could fool me the words you use such as your education makes you better than us only shows your ignorance as a matter of fact it saddens me that this sort of attitude would come from what you have been taught growing up do not get me wrong education is wonderful and both my children and grandchildren I wish and wished for them to have a good education but they also need to know know how to use it goes beyond books what we have cannot be taught sitting at a classroom desk or bought for all the money in the world so that 140.000 dollars you speak of I am sad to say was an investment gone bad because you were cheated n along Elizabeth Street it runs along Mulberry street so the noise you speak of is comming from people like yourself the business owners who do not respect the noise laws

Deborah Tardi-Montelbano

4:37pm Feb 4

You would have been truly BLESSED to have grown up here! To know what family and friends are, to have customs & traditions that go back thousands of years is something you could never understand or appreciate even with you free education. Move while you can Sam.

Tina Bologna Apuzzo

4:39pm Feb 4

Sam you need to save yourself.. Don't worry about saving Brooklyn.. It's hotter than ever.. You might be educated, but you have no common sense.. I'm sorry for you. You should be putting your energies and education into something worth while than to sell "Save Brooklyn T-Shirts"...lolol

Me:	4:41pm Feb 4

Phyllis, you just inspired me to start a new clothing line. Its called we dont need no punctuation and it will be a vintage Pink Floyd design that I will sell for $220 to my gentrifying brothers and sisters. I cant wait to see you at the feast Jennifer, but I am a vegan. Do you have any soy sausage and peppers?

Jennifer Biondo

4:44pm Feb 4

Wow what school did you go to Sam? You use double negatives while speaking...ENGLISH 101...and I got whateva you want Sammy Boy!....But after eating "soy" your your gonna need your toilet paper which has been clearly established you have alot of...

Tina Bologna Apuzzo

4:48pm Feb 4

Sam, mangia merdaaaaaaaaa.. punta basta.

Andrew Amorosso

4:49pm Feb 4

Hey Sam,so you have a degree, that's beautiful. Thermomoters have degrees, do you know where we put those? I don't believe a human being could attain the level of arrogance and ignorance that you pretend to have achieved. Be part of the solution sam( go home) or be part of the problem( get sent home). But the truth is, I don't believe your REAL. What makes the rest of the people on this comment trail different than you is we are without a doubt, 100% as REAL as it gets. Now you can make a t shirt , you can entitle the line " nobody ever paid me attention so I moved to new York and tried to be cool, but I couldn't figure out how to be Real" and I guarantee you, you will sell 50,000 of them at the upcoming feast. Now do us all a favor and go piss up a rope.

Me:	4:58pm Feb 4

"we dont need no punctuation" is the name of my new clothing line that I will sell to fellow gentrifiers. Jennifer, you must have gotten into NYU undergrad due to their affirmitive action quota, as I know "alot" smarter people that went there. I see you go to NY Law, the Metropolitan College of Law Schools. Thanks for the ideas Andrew! My fellow gentrifiers will love those t-shirts.

Louis Caruso

5:08pm Feb 4

sam thamamaters has degrees to.

Louis Caruso

5:11pm Feb 4

Sam stick your shirts up your ASS.

This is when I found out I had been kicked out of the group. Oh well, I am on to the next inner city neighborhood that needs my authentically deck culture. I just want to thank all the good people at the Gentfrication Foundation for their financial support.

Gowanus Cancer Canal & The Horrible Art Boat

I'm not sure what is more of an environmental pollutant here, the cancer causing carcinogens in the water and sediment of the Gowanus Canal or the parentally funded Hipsters polluting the streets of our great city. Yesterday's NY Times featured an article confirming the threat the Gowanus poses to public health, especially to the papier mache artists/baristas/production assistant bloggers who have chosen to have repeated contact with its toxic waters. The hordes of socially underdeveloped 20-somethings who arrive armed with useless $140,000 liberal arts degrees simply see this uber authentically deck industrial background as their adult playground, not the extremely hazardous toxic waste dump that it actually is.

These suburban morons happen to find the most polluted tract of land in America on which to build their "Sculptural Rivercraft". I present the newest useless Hipster toy: the Gowanus Art Boat. I could not fucking make this shit up if I tried. So this shitty ramshackle raft that basically looks like a larger scale version of something I might have hammered together in my grandfather's woodshop when I was five years old, is now being used for an art, champagne and oyster bar in the midst of a fucking toxic waste dump? Can I get some extra mercury with my polychlorinated biphenyls? Thanks, Tyler. So deck of you.

Says Meghan: "I'll have some extra cancer with my deck scarf"

But the ridiculousness doesn't end here. They plan on shipping the boat to India and floating it down the Ganges. At least the Ganges, the communal sink and toilet of 500 million Indians, is cleaner and smells better than the Gowanus Canal. The artists plan on sailing their "boat" down to the city of Varanasi, where they will present "visual and musical events in collaboration with local musicians." That is, if they havent all died from acute lukemia by then. Does anyone else find this plan beyond crazy? 400 million Indians live in abject fucking poverty! They cant feed themselves, the last thing they want to see if Brook and Josh sailing down the Ganges in their ART BOAT.

"Dear Vishnu, I pray that you send me an Art Boat built by privileged upper middle class douchebags so that I have something to admire while I take a dysentery ridden shit in my corpse-filled drinking water."

Happy Black History Month Day Three

This card is racist!  Watch your back you black Hos! I am not surprised that Hallmark, Walgreens and CVS have capitulated to this hysterical nonsense. Just use some common sense NAACP, and put your efforts to good use.

Want to help black women? How about addressing REAL problems? Epidemiologists noted in a recent article in Obesity that  “At the current rate of increase, it will take less than 30 years for all black women to become overweight or obese." Or maybe the NAACP should work on the fact that single black women have a median net value of $5. These are just two of the hundreds of more pressing problems afflicting the black community here in the U.S.

Shit. Come on NAACP, you can do better than whining about a greeting card that a 90 year old lady complained about cause she thought it called her a nasty skanky dried up ho bag.

Apology for Slavery

It was for the economy, but it wasnt right. And we're sorry.

Welcome to Black History Month!

It is highly offensive and Racist that February was designated as Black History Month (BHM), as it has only 28 days compared to the 30 or 31 days of all other months. Why are blacks given a second class month? Is this to reinforce their status as second class citizens? I call for a boycott of February and instead be issued a primary month, like January. January is the first month, as blacks were the first people out of Africa. January also contains Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day and Haitian Independence Day, as well as the birthdays of Cuba Gooding Jr., Butterfly McQueen, George Foreman, Mary J. Blige, Howard Stern, Joe Frazier, LL Cool J, Aaliyah, Dwayne Wade, Michelle Obama, Huddie Ledbetter, Hakeem Olajuwon, Muhammed Ali, James Earl Jones, Tiffani Amber Thiessen, Tatyana Ali, Alicia Keys, the greatest leader of black men; Drew Brees, obviously Oprah Winfrey, and finally, an individual who has done more to reunite black families than anyone else; Maury Povich. I also call for the renaming of January to better reflect black culture. Blackuary should do, but I'm sure someone can thing of a better name. In addition, 5% of the month must be set aside to study and worship the elite members of the black community known as Five Percenters.

For the last 34 years February has been designated BHM in order to raise cultural awareness of the black diaspora. The fact that blacks hail from Africa, the Caribbean, South America, Australia, and all corners of the globe; with hundreds if not thousand of separate cultures, religions, and mores is besides the point. The point is to celebrate blackness in America.

Also known as White Guilt Awareness Month, BHM was designed to "celebrate all that is good about black culture and to instill in them a sense of pride in their race". Without comparing the rates of crime, education, income, abortion, marriage, and various other social markers, I can safely say, in regard to the second part of the mission as proven by this video, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED: