Christ Compels You to NOT be a Gay Hipster

The suburban Hipster subculture is luring innocent Christians everywhere to commit sins that only the age-old practice of paying indulgences could remedy. And who are we to question drawing upon the Treasury of Merit accumulated by Christ's superabundantly meritorious sacrifice on the cross and the virtues and penances of the saints? Oh wait, that makes absolutely no sense.

Anyway, I had to reprint this awesome article in its entirety. The only thing that seems to be missing is the gay-hipster trend of wearing “summer scarves”. Is anything gayer than wearing a piece of fabric to keep your neck warm in 95 degree weather? I think not. Please follow the advice at the end of the article:

A recent trend amongst teenagers in the suburban areas is to be a “hipster”. For those concerned parents who don’t know what this is. Hipsters are bohemian, homosexuals who enjoy obscure music and the atmosphere of that permits gay sexual acts to occur. To prime themselves for gay sex, many hipsters will wear v neck shirts allowing members of the same sex to realize their orientation and seduce them into gay lucid acts. They can be seen riding single speed bikes that are a beacon to other hipster-gays letting them know they are single and ready to mingle. They will often meet each other and indoctrinate youths at music festivals, American Apparel, Urban Outfitters and at liberal arts colleges. They will convince your child to do poorly in school and blame the teacher because “they don’t understand his/her art”. They will then get black out drunk on Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer so they can engage in violent gay sex acts while listening to obscure bands whose lyrics promote such disgusting deviant acts. 

In a Recent event in a suburban high school, there have been reports of hipster-gay’s take trains down from Chicago to assault suburban teenagers. In one such instance an asian hipster-gay, a noted sexual deviant (it goes without saying), with nose piercings, and a rather obscenely small penis, punched a student in the face at his graduation. Hipster gay’s try to compensate for their sexual malfeasance by running tattoo parlors from their dorms. This is how they spread HIV/AIDS to the general population of hipster gays. A hipster-gay in Naperville and reputed ball gargling champion of the western suburbs, was distinguished as Patient 0 of AIDS in the Chicago-land area. Hipster gay’s will try to fool you by pretending to date short fat jews, but they really engage in massive gay orgies with each other.

The culture of hipster-gay’s is an enigma. They represent a counterculture that is a threat to the Christian Youths that are the pride of our nation. If you see a hipster riding a bike on the street, do us all a favor and run his gay ass over with your car.

Run her over with your car, please!