BREAKING NEWS!!! Worst Artist Ever Discovered!

I had to postpone Phase 2 of the Final Solution as promised yesterday, as I have discovered the Worst. Artist. EVER! A few weeks ago I thanked my cousin for inspiring me to start this blog. I included a link to some of her horrendous music and poetry, but I have just now discovered, that solely through her own self promotion, she has earned the world's title of Worst. Artist. EVER! This decision was not made lightly. Below is a picture she drew based on Led Zeppelin's "Going to California" which includes the lyrics: "Someone told me there's a girl out there with love in her eyes and flowers in her hair." This is what she came up with when she started to "visualize the songs instead of hearing them, imagining the verses and phrases as pictures.....a series of paintings"

I am honestly at a loss for words. Why a 30 year person who calls herself an artist would think this drawing is good enough to post on the internet is beyond me. You can see she really put some effort and deep thought into the the meaning of "Love in her eyes" by writing the words LOVE in the eyes.


Just a few quick changes, and I made her picture INFINITELY BETTER:

Hippie Megatron

With Pentagrams in Her Eyes and Skulls in Her Hair

The Plan to Eliminate Hipsters is Working!!

It Has Begun!!! Last Quarter we saw Urban Outfitters stock value decrease 16%, as suburban shoppers have decided they desire blood circulation in their legs, not this. Tomorrow, I will roll out Phase 2 of the Final Solution.

In addition to my embargo, Die Hipster has set his traps around post-gentrification Brooklyn. The two-pronged attack will catch Hipsters vulnerable, as the backlash to their imminent nasally whining is sure to be swift and violent.

To Ethan/Tyler/Meghan/Tuscany/Brook- The end is near for your unicycordion!!!

The Hipster Institute of Technology

Yeah, I went to H.I.T. At first you may think the graphics of this video aren't authentically deck enough, but its, like, uber ironic. Like Yah. It's only, like, $36,000 per semester, but I got a scholarship from the Gentrification Foundation.

Also, Nick and Nora and everyone on their Infinite Hipster Playlist should all die.

URBAN OUTFITTERS IS NOT URBAN!

It is less than urban (sub-urban) and is simply a shitty store in your local strip mall that sells shit to morons who want to appear "cultured". Just because it had roots as a second hand store doesn't make it "authentic". They sold out decades ago to extract money from its source; the wallets of suburban parents.

Some of their clothes are kind of funny, like when they mock Jews, Blacks or people with eating disorders, but the funniest aspect about Urban Outfitters is their hypocrisy. They are a publicly traded company whose shares are valued at over $30 (personally, I would invest in this $40 "art") and sell "I survived the Bush Administration" t-shirts. If by "surviving", they mean successfully expanding to every corner of the earth, than fuck yeah, they "survived" quite well. On January 1st, 2001 Urban Outfitters stock (URBN) was listed at $1.03. Thank god they were able to just barely eke out their meager existence over the next 8 years, reaching a high of $36 in 2008. The Bush years were just horrible to Urban Outfitters, their 5,000+ employees, 180 stores spread across 6 continents, $1.8 billion in revenue and $1.3 billion of assets.

To add to the hypocrisy, they sell $25 Che Guevara t-shirts yet restrict their workers from organizing. In 2009, the Sweden store fired all their workers for attempting to unionize so they would be eligible to collect overtime and insurance. That is so cultured and deck, they might as well buy a few Guatemalan families on the black market and chain them up inside overnight Walmart style. At least Walmart is honest about their low income clientele and keeping costs down, and doesn't try to sell fake "vintage" homeless people clothing that you could purchase at Salvation Army for 1/10th the price. But then again, Salvation Army doesn't have shareholders to report to.

Anyone who shops at Urban Outfitters should fucking die.

The Toddlerization of America

I'm sure you have all seen your local Fauxhemian strolling around drinking coffee and wearing one of these hats over the past few months. I think the hats are adorable on actual children aged 2-6 years old, but not so much on the 20-30 year old dependent liabilities who behave like children. No, you dont look like an artist, you look like a douche. A douche with a panda on his head. And no, they are not "sustaibable" or "free trade". Some 9 year old Chinese girl in a windowless room was just paid $.04 to knit 600 of those "unique" hats. I'm shocked that I haven't seen a Josh or Meghan walking around wearing one of these hats, they are way more attention grabbing.

But what just made me puke a little was the category of hats called "Urban Streetwear". "Urban" is the culture of cities.  Look at Tyler on his abandoned couch looking "urban". Almost as urban as a $40 40oz.

Ellen Frances & Her Stupid Kid both Suck

A buddy forwarded a link to a random Hipster's blog. After checking it out, my first thoughts were, "she's not so bad, her art is kind of decent and she has a job." But after reading a little more, her true selfish hipster colors show true. She is a single parent and has named her child Oona Moon. Onna I'm Fucking More Special than any Goddam Shitbrick That Ever Lived Moon Frances. Just like the rest of the kids on the Hanna Sennesh Community Day School playground. Right.

How is this person the Creative Director at MSG and the one charged with designing a new logo? It will probably look like a silkscreened bedbug drinking free trade coffee in a papier mache model of a $16,000 South-East-East Billyburg loft.

She wrote on her shit blog: "being a single mom and going through my pregnancy alone I felt empowered after I pushed her out. I felt amazing and so glad I had left BD out of it. It was the most important day of my life. Looking back to the moment of her birth I wish I could have paused it just to take it all in more... It is the greatest thing I have ever done for myself."

So she left BD out and is happy about that. Gee, I wonder if BD stands for Baby Daddy???? So basically this selfish whore got knocked up and played it off as "empowerment"! HAHAHHA Even so, its still ALL. ABOUT. HER. She uses the words "I" or "my"  nine times in three sentences. ME ME ME ME MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! So I told her she was a selfish moron, but she deleted the following comment on her blog that was inspired by my legal adviser: "That kid with the ridiculous name is no more than an accessory to you that you can walk around in her Mclaren stroller and socialize with all the other like minded moms who are just as annoying and self righteous as you are and talk about how empowered you are." 

Planned Parenthood has failed us.

Hipster Radio

Tuesday nights at Pratt Radio these two moron Hipster girls have their own show where they discuss horrible Hipster nonsense. So I called in as Nasally Tyler from, like, Wisconsin but I've been, like, in Brooklyn for two months. I hang around Pratt and like, do art.

I was kind of caught off guard at being on the air immediately, so I couldnt shame them as much as I would have liked, but I'll be more prepared next week. I love how the one girl says she HATES the stupid animal hats, but then says she LOVES hers, as she was so originally authentic and has had it since freshman year (1-2 years ago?). My personal highlight is when I tell them to go work at Wal Mart and put those art degrees to some good use. Also, we have confirmed Bangs (as if there was really any doubt).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=theDAT-WCOg