It Has Begun!!! Last Quarter we saw Urban Outfitters stock value decrease 16%, as suburban shoppers have decided they desire blood circulation in their legs, not this. Tomorrow, I will roll out Phase 2 of the Final Solution.
In addition to my embargo, Die Hipster has set his traps around post-gentrification Brooklyn. The two-pronged attack will catch Hipsters vulnerable, as the backlash to their imminent nasally whining is sure to be swift and violent.
To Ethan/Tyler/Meghan/Tuscany/Brook- The end is near for your unicycordion!!!
Showing posts with label Die Hipster. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Die Hipster. Show all posts
Monday, March 14, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
The Final Solution (For Hipsters)
There is much bitching and moaning about why we hate Hipsters and wish they would go away. However, there is little being done to proactively address the situation. I mean, we can wait around till they all get cancer and die, or until they sterilize themselves out of existence, but I don't want to wait that long. I want them gone. Not next year. Not next month. I want them gone now. While my respected colleagues at Die Hipster wish the Hipsters would all Die, this is just not a viable long term solution. There are just too many Hipsters to kill and they have become entrenched into every filthy crevice of our society. We all know the Hipster extinction wont occur overnight, so here are a few steps we all must take to ensure the steady decrease of the Hipster population:
1. The good old fashioned Hipster Boycott. Vote with your wallet and do not patronize businesses that are owned by Hipsters, cater to Hipsters or use Hipsters in their advertising. There is always a non-Hipster alternative. Let businesses know why you are not patronizing them.
2. If you are the parent of a Hipster, cut off funding IMMEDIATELY. If your child is 23 or older and still displaying Hisperish tendencies, there is little that you can do to reestablish yourself as a "Good Parent", as you have already failed thus far, but there is hope for the next generation. Don't let this go any further. Do not purchase any more art supplies. Cut off all credit cards. Do not make any more car, rent, or mortage payments. Buy him/her a real suit with real shoes in which they can look like a real person on a real job interview, not a thrift store reject.
3. If you are in a position of authority, do NOT, under any circumstance, hire a Hipster. Even if you work in a Hipster friendly field such as bartending/service industry, or media production, DO NOT HIRE A HIPSTER. There are thousands of normal hardworking students, immigrants, and teenagers and young adults with career aspirations out there that would love to work at this position as a stepping stone in their career. Unlike the Hipster, who simply wishes to be a Barista/Production Assistant forever while they do their papier mache art/keyboard composing on the side. Hiring these part time losers simply encourages their poor behavior. We must as a society collectively scream NO and rub their noses in it.
4. Do not acknowledge Hipsters. There are three subsets to this category:
A) If their accordion, banjo and keytar "band" is playing 1980's cartoon theme songs in the subway, stand directly in front of them with your back to them. Yes, I loved the Silverhawks too, but Hipsters survive on attention. If they are ignored, they shrivel up and die.
B) If a Hipster is walking towards you, walk right through them*. Hipsters are not real people, thus they must not be treated as such. *Note: after applying this tactic, make sure to shower and dispose of all your clothes immediately in order to avoid bed bugs.
C) If you are in sales, do not serve any Hipster. That parentally funded commission might seem nice, but if we as a society shun them, they will leave us and move back to Canada or the Midwest and bother people there. Start by not making eye contact and move on to serving other customers. Most times the Hipster will slink out of the store unnoticed, as they were taught to avoid confrontation under any circumstance.
I know this list if far from complete, as we have just begun to address this problem. Please post any more ideas you may have.
1. The good old fashioned Hipster Boycott. Vote with your wallet and do not patronize businesses that are owned by Hipsters, cater to Hipsters or use Hipsters in their advertising. There is always a non-Hipster alternative. Let businesses know why you are not patronizing them.
2. If you are the parent of a Hipster, cut off funding IMMEDIATELY. If your child is 23 or older and still displaying Hisperish tendencies, there is little that you can do to reestablish yourself as a "Good Parent", as you have already failed thus far, but there is hope for the next generation. Don't let this go any further. Do not purchase any more art supplies. Cut off all credit cards. Do not make any more car, rent, or mortage payments. Buy him/her a real suit with real shoes in which they can look like a real person on a real job interview, not a thrift store reject.
3. If you are in a position of authority, do NOT, under any circumstance, hire a Hipster. Even if you work in a Hipster friendly field such as bartending/service industry, or media production, DO NOT HIRE A HIPSTER. There are thousands of normal hardworking students, immigrants, and teenagers and young adults with career aspirations out there that would love to work at this position as a stepping stone in their career. Unlike the Hipster, who simply wishes to be a Barista/Production Assistant forever while they do their papier mache art/keyboard composing on the side. Hiring these part time losers simply encourages their poor behavior. We must as a society collectively scream NO and rub their noses in it.
4. Do not acknowledge Hipsters. There are three subsets to this category:
A) If their accordion, banjo and keytar "band" is playing 1980's cartoon theme songs in the subway, stand directly in front of them with your back to them. Yes, I loved the Silverhawks too, but Hipsters survive on attention. If they are ignored, they shrivel up and die.
B) If a Hipster is walking towards you, walk right through them*. Hipsters are not real people, thus they must not be treated as such. *Note: after applying this tactic, make sure to shower and dispose of all your clothes immediately in order to avoid bed bugs.
C) If you are in sales, do not serve any Hipster. That parentally funded commission might seem nice, but if we as a society shun them, they will leave us and move back to Canada or the Midwest and bother people there. Start by not making eye contact and move on to serving other customers. Most times the Hipster will slink out of the store unnoticed, as they were taught to avoid confrontation under any circumstance.
I know this list if far from complete, as we have just begun to address this problem. Please post any more ideas you may have.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Weekend Activities for Hipsters
Hipsters have no need for a weekend as they are perpetually unemployed, yet they still find a need to celebrate with PBR's and cheap whiskey. A friend emailed me this forward she received about ACTUAL Hipster activities occurring this very weekend. If you are interested in attending any of the events, email me and I will be ashamed to know you. This horrible listeserve categorizes activities by verb: Listen, Drool, Amuse, Attend, Trim. I will add a final category that I wish all hipsters would follow; DIE! Hipsters have no problem lacking originality and following, so all we have to do is get the advice to DIE! on any hipster blog or twitter feed and by the end of the day you won't be able to walk five feet without kicking a dead hipster in their flannel beard. I haven't made any of this up, although I wish I did. They are so cultured and deck:
Listen: For $35, you can listen to a "former boy chorister" turn prayers for the Royal Navy into song. Themes for this performance are drawn from medieval and colonial English travel narratives.
Drool: The Brooklyn Brainery presents this workshop on ice cream making so you can know the differences between Philadelphia and French styles of churning and how to mix flavors like walnut rosewater and chocolate-coffee-bourbon.
Amuse: The Wii Plays- A group of talentless Hipsters present twelve original works inspired by Nintendo game titles such as Barbie as the Island Princess, Alien Monster Bowling League, and Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Winter Games.
Attend: The Housingworks Coffeeshop/bookstore hosts the informal "I like Your Glasses" party. This party is dedicated to missed connections and features readings of real and imagined intertrain romances and Internet misunderstandings.
Trim: Bushwick’s Momo Sushi Shack transforms micro vegetables into miniature works of art for a bonsai-themed, five-course dinner. Entertainment includes a Minbu folk dance performance and DJ Saiko Mikan’s ’60s Japanese pop and ’90s Shibuya-kei selections.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Hippies Vs. Hipsters
For too long, us peaceful hippies have stood on sidelines – allowing the true and beautiful nature of hip culture to be fouled by the pungent nature of the hipster. Many in mainstream culture simply group us together and wish to throw us all into the East River, but there are several notable distinctions that establish hippies a few steps above hipsters on the social ladder. This post will discuss these distinctions.
1. Daily Life:
While most hipsters come from wealthy families who can afford to subsidize their
2. Fashion
Hipsters: tight jeans, ironic t-shirts with popular childhood images that were lame as a kid and are still lame now, keffiyahs (only if they are not actually members of the Islamic faith).
Hippies: tie-dye, dreads, strange odors, comfortable shoes, sandals, or no shoes at all, beat up boots in the winter.
3. Politics:
Hipsters: liberal but in a brain-damaged way, have set back the progressive movement in this country by thirty years simply by dumbing themselves.
Hippies: “We live no particular way but our own.”
Hipsters: tight jeans, ironic t-shirts with popular childhood images that were lame as a kid and are still lame now, keffiyahs (only if they are not actually members of the Islamic faith).
Hippies: tie-dye, dreads, strange odors, comfortable shoes, sandals, or no shoes at all, beat up boots in the winter.
3. Politics:
Hipsters: liberal but in a brain-damaged way, have set back the progressive movement in this country by thirty years simply by dumbing themselves.
Hippies: “We live no particular way but our own.”
4. Drugs
Hipsters: marijuana, cocaine, 4loco.
Hippies: literally anything and everything, often at once.
5. Important Cultural Icons
Hipsters: Bret Michaels, Barack Obama (until he actually took office), Sarah Palin (ironically), Stephen Malkmus, Wu-Tang Clan.
Hippies: Jerry Garcia, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Trey Anastasio, Hunter S. Thompson, Ken Kesey, (insert name of shitty jam band musician here)
6. Concert Etiquette:
The average hipster at a concert is no more advanced than a 6th grader at his first dance, standing in one spot, clad in black, arms folded over his chest. In contrast, the hippie will sway, dance, jump, sing, smoke, twist, and melt – all while sharing bowls of the kind with his fellow man, woman, or child. Another key difference between hippies and hipsters at concerts can be noticed on the level of how much they are enjoying the show. Ask a hipster if it is having a good time, and they will either respond sarcastically or simply move away from you – as to enjoy anything runs counter to the hipster personality profile – to enjoy is to be unhip. Ask a hippie, however, and they will respond with several “wooos”, high fives, and possibly even bowls of the kind.
7.Jobs:
Ok… well… neither of us have those.
Hipsters: marijuana, cocaine, 4loco.
Hippies: literally anything and everything, often at once.
5. Important Cultural Icons
Hipsters: Bret Michaels, Barack Obama (until he actually took office), Sarah Palin (ironically), Stephen Malkmus, Wu-Tang Clan.
Hippies: Jerry Garcia, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Trey Anastasio, Hunter S. Thompson, Ken Kesey, (insert name of shitty jam band musician here)
6. Concert Etiquette:
The average hipster at a concert is no more advanced than a 6th grader at his first dance, standing in one spot, clad in black, arms folded over his chest. In contrast, the hippie will sway, dance, jump, sing, smoke, twist, and melt – all while sharing bowls of the kind with his fellow man, woman, or child. Another key difference between hippies and hipsters at concerts can be noticed on the level of how much they are enjoying the show. Ask a hipster if it is having a good time, and they will either respond sarcastically or simply move away from you – as to enjoy anything runs counter to the hipster personality profile – to enjoy is to be unhip. Ask a hippie, however, and they will respond with several “wooos”, high fives, and possibly even bowls of the kind.
7.Jobs:
Ok… well… neither of us have those.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
BREAKING INSIDER NEWS: Hipster Proposal for Street Use
Below is the horrific proposal to transform NYC streets into Hipster friendly zones. I came across it on one of my favorite blogs, diehipster.com, and it has been confirmed by my sources inside NYC government at the Mayor's Office as well as the Department of Transportation. My media sources have also confirmed its existence, and it should hit the major daily papers by the end of the week.
Hipsters are a problem not to be taken lightly. I know it is difficult to spot them in the winter, when their scarves, wools hats and beards cause them to blend in with the general population. However, if you see any of the following you have a genuine hipster on your hands, and it is highly recommended that you dispose of the Hipster by throwing them into the East River or by setting them on fire: Keffiyah, Chuck Taylors, tight pants, multiple Apple products, or artisanaly made chocolate bars. The Hipster must be stopped at any cost.
Hipsters are a problem not to be taken lightly. I know it is difficult to spot them in the winter, when their scarves, wools hats and beards cause them to blend in with the general population. However, if you see any of the following you have a genuine hipster on your hands, and it is highly recommended that you dispose of the Hipster by throwing them into the East River or by setting them on fire: Keffiyah, Chuck Taylors, tight pants, multiple Apple products, or artisanaly made chocolate bars. The Hipster must be stopped at any cost.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)