The Hipster: Natural Victims

Although Hipsters call 911 to report any perceived infraction such as non-organic food sales, buying mainstream music or using non-Apple products, this post regards actual crimes committed against Hipsters such as severe beatings or robberies. Crimes against Hipsters are at an all time high although thousands go unreported each year due to the reluctance of the Hipster to admit failure. Crimes against Hipsters mainly occur when an unsuspecting Performance Artist/Production Assistant/Barista from Florituckyconsin moves into a neighborhood such as North North East Williamsburg or South West South South Park Slope. They read on a blog somewhere that Tyler and Meghan just moved there and its super deck and safe! Like Yah! Salivating brokers grow their beards out, get some fake glasses and tell Hipsters how authentic the neighborhood is in order to obtain the parentally funded sales commission. Not until it is too late does the unsuspecting Hipster realize they are living in a neighborhood far more dangerous than the most dangerous cul de sac of the upper middle class suburban community they grew up in.

Hipsters move into outlying neighborhoods in droves and become immediate victims. From leaving their $2,500 custom made unicycle chained up on the street overnight to strolling home from the J train at 2:30AM watching an indie movie on their ipad, Hipsters remain perpetual crime fodder. They think they are street savvy because they saw Chris Rock live in college and have twice seen the episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air where Will must stop Carlton from going to McArthur park. To the poverty stricken residents of the neighborhood in which the Hipster is attempting to gentrify, the newly arrived Hipster is a natural victim, comparable to a hand fed and nurtured Kobe cow wandering blindly into a den of starving lions.

These bruises and busted mouth are so ironic. Click on the pic for more beaten Hipster goodness

The gentrifying Hipster is like an endless piggy bank to the welcoming criminal class residents of the "next up and coming" neighborhood. Every time they are robbed of their custom fixie, ipad, iphone or other expensive Hipster toy, funds magically appear in the bank account they share with their parents, allowing them to replace the stolen gear, which allows them to get robbed again, buy more, get robbed again, buy more.... This symbiotic relationship allows the Hipster to gain valuable street cred authenticity while criminals gain valuable cash money in order to purchase highly desired liquor, drugs and Jordans. The Hipster, once a strange feared intrusion into the hood, has become a valued member of the community. No longer are the migrant Hispanic day laborers or Chinese food delivery men robbed for their meager earnings, as there is a new, far more attractive and lucrative victim in town; the Hipster.