Homeless Tweets

So in addition to giving broke ass people cellphones on the taxpayer dime, you can now receive tweets from four homeless dudes in order to "raise awareness" of the homeless problem. New Yorkers really don't need anyone bringing the homeless problem to our attention. We were AWARE of the tent cities and crackhead windshield washer men in the 80's and early 90's. We were AWARE of the kickback based UHO's "give today, every penny helps" scam, and the "deaf" Mexicans with their index cards saying how deaf and poor they were and how they needed a $1 for their deaf children in the late 90's and early 00's. We were AWARE of the kids selling candy "Not for my basketball team but to put a dollar in my pockets and stay out of trouble" of the mid 00's. The 3 million of us who have taken the subway every single day for the past 15+ years to our JOBS are blatently AWARE of homeless people. Anyone who walks down the street, or takes public transportation, or eats lunch in a public atrium is very AWARE of the noxious odors emanating from the ever present homeless.

This initiative reminds me of the timeless and wise belief; "Don't give a man a fish, teach him how to twitter". These tweets will surely equip these homeless adults with the tools to nail down a job, find a place to live and become functioning members of society. According to the crack reporter who broke this story, the tweets "contain some moving insights about loneliness, hardship and the basic human kindness shown by - and shown to - these four men". Forget that, I want some "insightful" tweets about what exactly they did today to get off the taxpayer dime. Like: "I collected 200 cans worth $10, now I can buy myself lunch" or "I just took a free resume writing seminar and applied to three minimum wage jobs" or even "I pretended to be the doorman at Wendy's and made $16 today". If  they won't bother to do that, I want to see honest tweets from the homeless like, "I just showered in a Barnes and Noble bathroom" or "A 95 lb upper east side female lawyer just kicked me into the gutter" or "I am happily ending the day the same way I started it, drinking a fresh $6 fifth of vodka out of a paper bag".

Open Letter to Community Board 2

I have to work late Thursday so I will be unable to join the angry residents of Little Italy at the Community Board meeting later today. Following our discussion last week, there was a need to express the correct viewpoint of current neighborhood realities. I have sent the following letter to all 50 members of the board so my presence is felt:

Dear Ms. Hamilton:

I am extremely distressed that the townie residents of Little Italy, now known as Old NOLITA, still think that their little feast is as relevant as the $2,200 messenger bags sold in my store or the $26 artisanal gouda grilled cheese sandwiches sold by the food truck parked outside my friend's gallery. WE are the true residents of Old NOLITA. Who could forget when Meghan rode her unicycle from Kenmare Street to Canal Street and back for hours until she had played the entire catalog of Animal Collective on her accordion in order to raise awareness of how special she was? It was EPIC and covered on hundreds of blogs! WE made this neighborhood what it is today.

Although some Italians lived here like 100 years ago, they quickly migrated to fin suburbs such as Staten Island, Howard Beach and Bensonhurst when they couldn't cut it on the art scene. Thanks to our trust funds and parental subsidies we quickly drove vacancy rates down by moving into any storefront without a certificate of occupancy and overpaying for every studio apartment that did not meet building code. We drank our free trade coffee and smoked our American Spirit cigarettes when we woke up at 2PM and blogged about inequalities in third world countries.

We ask you to once and for all shut down this feast, as it interferes with the deck collage that NYU has commissioned 6-month Brooklyn resident Artist/Barista Austin James to install on the corner of Grand and Mulberry. This amazing piece of artwork is made out of vintage Highlights magazine cartoons and rare Steampunk Yoga photo shoot costume leftovers and symbolizes how representative government in Sub-Saharan Africa is doomed to failure unless we teach them the combination of interpretative modern dance and ironic facial hair is the key to any successful society. We know you will recognize the importance of this project and discontinue the feast, or at least relocate it to another less deck neighborhood. There is too much at stake.

The Final Solution (For Hipsters)

There is much bitching and moaning about why we hate Hipsters and wish they would go away. However, there is little being done to proactively address the situation. I mean, we can wait around till they all get cancer and die, or until they sterilize themselves out of existence, but I don't want to wait that long. I want them gone. Not next year. Not next month. I want them gone now. While my respected colleagues at Die Hipster wish the Hipsters would all Die, this is just not a viable long term solution. There are just too many Hipsters to kill and they have become entrenched into every filthy crevice of our society. We all know the Hipster extinction wont occur overnight, so here are a few steps we all must take to ensure the steady decrease of the Hipster population:

1. The good old fashioned Hipster Boycott. Vote with your wallet and do not patronize businesses that are owned by Hipsters, cater to Hipsters or use Hipsters in their advertising. There is always a non-Hipster alternative. Let businesses know why you are not patronizing them.

2. If you are the parent of a Hipster, cut off funding IMMEDIATELY. If your child is 23 or older and still displaying Hisperish tendencies, there is little that you can do to reestablish yourself as a "Good Parent", as you have already failed thus far, but there is hope for the next generation. Don't let this go any further. Do not purchase any more art supplies. Cut off all credit cards. Do not make any more car, rent, or mortage payments. Buy him/her a real suit with real shoes in which they can look like a real person on a real job interview, not a thrift store reject.

3. If you are in a position of authority, do NOT, under any circumstance, hire a Hipster. Even if you work in a Hipster friendly field such as bartending/service industry, or media production, DO NOT HIRE A HIPSTER. There are thousands of normal hardworking students, immigrants, and teenagers and young adults with career aspirations out there that would love to work at this position as a stepping stone in their career. Unlike the Hipster, who simply wishes to be a Barista/Production Assistant forever while they do their papier mache art/keyboard composing on the side. Hiring these part time losers simply encourages their poor behavior. We must as a society collectively scream NO and rub their noses in it.

4. Do not acknowledge Hipsters. There are three subsets to this category:
     A) If their accordion, banjo and keytar "band" is playing 1980's cartoon theme songs in the subway, stand directly in front of them with your back to them. Yes, I loved the Silverhawks too, but Hipsters survive on attention. If they are ignored, they shrivel up and die.
     B) If a Hipster is walking towards you, walk right through them*. Hipsters are not real people, thus they must not be treated as such. *Note: after applying this tactic, make sure to shower and dispose of all your clothes immediately in order to avoid bed bugs.     
     C) If you are in sales, do not serve any Hipster. That parentally funded commission might seem nice, but if we as a society shun them, they will leave us and move back to Canada or the Midwest and bother people there. Start by not making eye contact and move on to serving other customers. Most times the Hipster will slink out of the store unnoticed, as they were taught to avoid confrontation under any circumstance.

I know this list if far from complete, as we have just begun to address this problem. Please post any more ideas you may have.

Thank You

I would like to thank my loyal readers helping me reach the 3,000 hit benchmark in less than six weeks. As many of you know, I only began this blog in response to my talentless and narcissistic cousin and her horrendous art blog. I figured I could double her lame readership by blogging about inane topics too. One difference; I don't pretend that I have any talent. She started her blog over a year ago, and I have already reached half her readership by blogging about the famous Art Boat, tight pants, and stupid residents of Little Italy. I am not including the link to her blog here, you would never forgive me, but if you are a glutton for punishment listen to her poem "Buttercup History". I enjoy a good laugh so please attempt to tell me with a straight face that the late Alex the Talking Parrot (R.I.P.) couldn't have run circles around her in a prose competition. If you really want your ears to bleed, check out her pathetic singing and guitar playing here on her never-will-be-a-hit single "Consequences of DNA".

Canoeing the Gowanus Cancer Canal and the Amazing Smudge Stick

New York State has an $8,000,000,000 budget gap. But thank god we are able to use taxpayer money to fund the amazing Gowanus Dredgers Canoe Club. This club runs free activities for anyone stupid enough to get in a boat and paddle in some of the most toxic water known to mankind. In their paddles up the canal, these urban boaters frequently find rotting dead animals among the garbage and toxic waste that has been dumped there over the past 150 years. Nothing really surprises me these days, but I was absolutely shocked that the Hipsters below allowed themselves to be photographed sans PBR.

"Hey Brandston this is so much more authentic than canoeing in that pristine lake back in Minnesota"

This Gowanus Dredgers Club is not so different from the parentally funded "artists" who built the Art Boat to spread their self-centered suburban "culture" to a people who have 10,000 year old recorded history. The operators know their client base, and thus cater to the pre-adolescent "look at me" desires of the Hipster community. One event they hold is called the Smudge Cleanse, in which a ritual bundle of herbs are lit to dissipate negative energy. Like yah, that bundle of sage and lavender will totally clean out the "bad energies" present in the toxic waste. I dare you to watch this video of the event without vomiting profusely.

Go take your white guilt elsewhere you Native American Culture Stealing Obama Button Wearing Piece of Uncultured Cul Du Sac Suburban Trash. Oleson seeks to "cleanse New York and it's residents of eco-destruction, election anxiety, gentrification, heterosexism, U.S. imperialism, classism, racism and greed." Why dont you stay home in your shitty whitebread racist suburb where you can clean your neighbors of the destruction caused by them driving their gas guzzling SUV from their unattached single family McMansion to their local strip mall? The best way for you to stop a gentrification is just kill yourself. YOU ARE THE GENTRIFICATION. This is New York Fucking City. We were built on hard work and greed. We like our heterosexism. Imperialism has made us into the dominant world city we are today. Take your hippy socialist crap back to the commune, cause we're not buying what you're selling. Maybe some of those stupid Hipsters over in Billyburg  will spend a few thousand out of their parents' retirement fund on your shitty post modern contemporary art, but no mater how many Smudge Sticks you burn, you will never, ever stop New Yorkers from bring greedy fucks nor remove the thousands of tons of toxic chemicals in our air, soil and water.

While I fully support the removal of all Hipsters by any means necessary, we cant just wait around for their trust funds to run out or for them all to get cancer from playing in a toxic waste dump. I propose driving the Hipsters from our great city and preventing any future Hipster infestation by changing the name of the Gowanus Canal to the Canal of Gentrification.

Weekend Activities for Hipsters

Hipsters have no need for a weekend as they are perpetually unemployed, yet they still find a need to celebrate with PBR's and cheap whiskey. A friend emailed me this forward she received about ACTUAL Hipster activities occurring this very weekend. If you are interested in attending any of the events, email me and I will be ashamed to know you. This horrible listeserve categorizes activities by verb: Listen, Drool, Amuse, Attend, Trim. I will add a final category that I wish all hipsters would follow; DIE! Hipsters have no problem lacking originality and following, so all we have to do is get the advice to DIE! on any hipster blog or twitter feed and by the end of the day you won't be able to walk five feet without kicking a dead hipster in their flannel beard. I haven't made any of this up, although I wish I did. They are so cultured and deck:

Listen: For $35, you can listen to a "former boy chorister" turn prayers for the Royal Navy into song. Themes for this performance are drawn from medieval and colonial English travel narratives.

Drool: The Brooklyn Brainery presents this workshop on ice cream making so you can know the differences between Philadelphia and French styles of churning and how to mix flavors like walnut rosewater and chocolate-coffee-bourbon.

Amuse: The Wii Plays- A group of talentless Hipsters present twelve original works inspired by Nintendo game titles such as Barbie as the Island Princess, Alien Monster Bowling League, and Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Winter Games.

Attend: The Housingworks Coffeeshop/bookstore hosts the informal "I like Your Glasses" party. This party is dedicated to missed connections and features readings of real and imagined intertrain romances and Internet misunderstandings. 

Trim: Bushwick’s Momo Sushi Shack transforms micro vegetables into miniature works of art for a bonsai-themed, five-course dinner. Entertainment includes a Minbu folk dance performance and DJ Saiko Mikan’s ’60s Japanese pop and ’90s Shibuya-kei selections.

 

Ex-Girlfriend Jeans

An old friend forwarded me this yesterday and I thought it was a joke. Unfortunately, it is real. Levi's Jeans, the orginal, most authentic jeans, have sold out to the filthy Hipster and are now marketing jeans to men who want to be women who want to be gay men. These jeans are so tight that they are actually inside this model's vagina. The statement you are making by wearing these pants is: "I am a female". But as a straight man, I would rather wear a dress, at least that would be comfortable.


For only $69.50 you too can hop on the Hipster bandwagon.  

Over 150 years ago Levi Strauss riveted rough wagon canvas together and sold that shit to miners who had yet to tame the frontier. He is now lending his name to a pair of jeans that can only be worn by someone with such a horribly emasculating self-defeating personality disorder, that they cause its wearer's testicless to be crushed as flat as the asses of their pasty midwestern Meghan girlfriends, destroying any chance of procreation. I can't hate this, as it can only be described as natural occurring malthusian population control playing out before our eyes.

OH SHIT! Levi Strauss WAS a Hipster- Check out that facial hair! But no, sorry, that facial hair was NOT ironic back in 1874. Lucky for Strauss, he died in 1902, over a hundred years before his famous Jeans suffered the humiliating bastardization into trendy tight pants for wannabe homosexuals.