Open Letter to Community Board 2

I have to work late Thursday so I will be unable to join the angry residents of Little Italy at the Community Board meeting later today. Following our discussion last week, there was a need to express the correct viewpoint of current neighborhood realities. I have sent the following letter to all 50 members of the board so my presence is felt:

Dear Ms. Hamilton:

I am extremely distressed that the townie residents of Little Italy, now known as Old NOLITA, still think that their little feast is as relevant as the $2,200 messenger bags sold in my store or the $26 artisanal gouda grilled cheese sandwiches sold by the food truck parked outside my friend's gallery. WE are the true residents of Old NOLITA. Who could forget when Meghan rode her unicycle from Kenmare Street to Canal Street and back for hours until she had played the entire catalog of Animal Collective on her accordion in order to raise awareness of how special she was? It was EPIC and covered on hundreds of blogs! WE made this neighborhood what it is today.

Although some Italians lived here like 100 years ago, they quickly migrated to fin suburbs such as Staten Island, Howard Beach and Bensonhurst when they couldn't cut it on the art scene. Thanks to our trust funds and parental subsidies we quickly drove vacancy rates down by moving into any storefront without a certificate of occupancy and overpaying for every studio apartment that did not meet building code. We drank our free trade coffee and smoked our American Spirit cigarettes when we woke up at 2PM and blogged about inequalities in third world countries.

We ask you to once and for all shut down this feast, as it interferes with the deck collage that NYU has commissioned 6-month Brooklyn resident Artist/Barista Austin James to install on the corner of Grand and Mulberry. This amazing piece of artwork is made out of vintage Highlights magazine cartoons and rare Steampunk Yoga photo shoot costume leftovers and symbolizes how representative government in Sub-Saharan Africa is doomed to failure unless we teach them the combination of interpretative modern dance and ironic facial hair is the key to any successful society. We know you will recognize the importance of this project and discontinue the feast, or at least relocate it to another less deck neighborhood. There is too much at stake.