Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The Rambling of an Insane Prophet

Remember that old high school taboo? The one that felt so good when we violated it; made us call our friends and stand an inch taller when we walked down the street? The very same taboo that dragged us sheepishly to 18+ clubs when we were already 23, maybe pushing 30 . . .

That’s right; banging high school chicks – an institution almost as venerable and American as baseball or racism. The archetypical high school chick is a perfect piece of Americana that should be shared and revered by every passing generation. You see, the most amazing thing about high school chicks is their bodies’ ability to have shaped into maturity while their sexual sensibilities lag a few years behind. Couple this hot vulnerability with the fact that high school chicks haven’t suffered the “freshman 15” (which is now more like the “freshman, WHAT THE FUCK, YOU FAT BITCH!?”), and are generally toned from some sort of pseudo-erotic field hockey practice, and you have created a storm perfect enough for George Clooney and Marky Mark to star in.

However, what I witnessed the other day stands to threaten this essential privilege of maledom.

Picture this: a crisp spring morning near Bryant Park (a bit too early and picturesque for the hipsters to bother crawling out of their patchouli-saturated minimalist pads that cost $4,300 a month because of their proximity to the best “nabes” in the City). But I digress. Three tour buses have stopped near the park to unload what looks to be a veritable smorgasbord of high school chicks. This is clearly a field trip that will shake the very foundations upon which these mid-western simpletons have been raised. The stupefied countenances of the adolescents departing the bus betrayed their shattering notions of blue-collared courtesy and cornhusker God that they have spent 18 years cultivating. But amidst the bustling street vendors and effervescent coming of age experiences, I was focused on one thing – checking out the bods on high school chicks, hoping they are wearing those little gym shorts.



But to my dismay, these were not the high school chicks I so enjoyed over the last decade or so. Oh no; I thought I had somehow transported uptown to the Natural History Museum, surrounded by odd-toed ungulates and centaurs (this is the unfortunately growing occurrence where a girl is relatively proportionate from the waist up, but seems to have suffered some localized form of elephantiasis from the waist down). How did these 15-18 year old girls get so fat? What the hell are they doing in high school? Why were they still wearing the little gym shorts? And more importantly, what are the poor high school and college boys turning to for sexual gratification? Certainly not these sea cows with poorly bleached hair and forced valley-girl accents!

Then it hit me; the MILF. In the late 90’s the MILF came on the scene harder than Peter North and Mandingo performing a wobbly-H. It suddenly made so much sense - no one wants to fuck these shabby and inglorious excuses for high school chicks (except for Japanese business men and a few black guys). The prevalence of high school students nailing the ‘teach, the slew of “Real Housewifes of Some Shithole Town,” porn sites dedicated to Mothers I’d Like to Fuck, www.CougarLife.com etc. stand as a clear testament to this. Compounding years of ridicule and the inevitable piss-on-this pregnancy test required after being some guy’s last-ditch effort at the bar in Applebee’s at 1:30 am has forced these thirty-somethings to realize what they should have 15 years earlier: either you’re hot and you get what you want, or you’re not and you have to get a job like a man.

Get with the program high school chicks and stop being pleasure delayers. You are eating your way through the best years of good American mens lives, and then making us feel inadequate when we have finally worked long enough to have developed the financial portfolio and experience required to approach you, but now also have developed the sedentary job gut to match. Let’s go back to the old days, shall we?

What high school chick doesn’t want to have copious amounts of $6 vodka mixed with Country Time Pink Lemonade and Nyquil shoved down her throat by a vascular 24 year old in a backwards hat and ironically tight t-shirt? What better way to end a weekend than by awaking upon a sheetless mattress on the floor after having potentially consensual sex with a complete stranger amongst other twenty-somethings all doing the same thing? Plus, practice makes perfect; so when you turn 35, you’ll be more than prepared to do it all over again!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

You Will Be Homeless By This Time Tomorrow

I stopped giving $ to homeless people a long time ago that do not have serious physical deformities. And not "I'm deaf or in a wheelchair" disabilities, I'm talking about deformities that you don't want to look back twice to see. You're not getting the change in my pocket unless you have serious acid burns on your face or 40 lb neck goiters. Just yesterday I barely glanced up at the dude begging for change when he mentioned "This could happen to anyone". Yes, it could happen to anyone, but it doesn't happen to most people. Why does it happen to some and not others?

There are plenty of alcoholic and mentally defective people who raise families, maintain households and hold down jobs so it is not just alcoholism and mental defect that causes one to be homeless, but the perfect storm of laziness and a misplaced sense of entitlement. Many of those that beg are not even homeless. Poor, yes. But not homeless. The disingenuous white liberal media would like you to think that one day everything is great and then POOF!, the man fires you and you are living on the street a few hours later; never forgetting to mention "IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE". Yes, it can happen to anyone, but not overnight. Every homeless person's life is filled with both poor decisions and bad luck.

So I expected the disingenuous white liberal bias when I picked up yesterday's AM NY and read an article on the first page about homeless people who look like me. I decided to take a closer look and really see how close I am to becoming them, and of course, to judge the shit out of their homelessness on either poor decisions or bad luck. After my analysis, I found that I am not that close to becoming homeless, but if you make a lot of stupid decisions and have a little bit of bad luck you definitely will become homeless.

Family 1- The Robinsons:
Bad Decisions                                                         
Husband is a poet                                                                            
Wife is a professional "Server"
Squandered savings on beach trips & gym memberships
After losing their jobs, they moved to NYC, one of the most expensive housing markets in the world.


Bad Luck
Wife is Asian yet has no math skills

This family should move back to South Carolina and get off NY's welfare rolls. Why do they feel entitled to a NY taxpayer handout? Beat it deadbeats!

Family 2: Latrell Reagans & family:
Bad Decisions
Had 6 kids (Latrell is a registered nurse so she DEFINITELY knows about contraception)
Spending too much on school fees and toys
Believing the power of prayer will prevent eviction

Bad Luck
Kids had asthma
Husband lost lucrative messenger job

The Reagans did better than the young Robinson couple. This family took a while to make a bunch of dumb decisions (6 that I can think of), that eventually led to homelessness.

Latrell and two of her six kids
Publish Post

Monday, May 23, 2011

How The Mighty Have Fallen

Imagine you are the mother fucking Governator. You won the Mr. Universe competition and Mr. Olympia contest seven times for having a diesel ass body and being able to crush normal human beings with your bare hands. You were the number one blockbuster movie star of all time, and the originator of awesome quotes now part of American lexicon such as "I'll be back", "Hasta la vista, baby." and "Who is your daddy, and what does he do?" You slept your way into the Kennedy family and became a two-term governor of the most populous state in America. You called Democrats "girlie men" and although you blew a bunch of dough investing in Planet Hollywood, you are still worth about $200 million.

If you had accomplished all of the above, you think you would be able to get any woman you wanted. Any beautiful woman would beckon to serve your greatest sexual desires. But Ahnold chose to cheat on his wife with someone who looks like she should be drinking cheap beer out of a paper bag and playing dominos at those built in cement tables while the 65 other members of her immediate family grill corn and tomatillos on a hastily erected grill in between the swingset and sprinkler in your local public park to the familiar sounds of 140-decibel salsa music blasting from the boombox illegally rigged to the lamp post. Dont get me wrong, I think Latina women are some of the most beautiful on earth. Many remain hot into their forties and fifties. But I draw the line at bisabuelas.
What does Ahnold see here with his superhuman vision that the rest of us don't?
Ahnold admitted he was abused as a child. Was sleeping with this woman a continued form of self abuse? He easily could have found an extremely hot, very hot, hot, sort of hot, or average looking woman to have sex with. Why would he choose this beast of a woman? It is one thing to sleep with a substandard woman who you have been married to for 40 years. Of course your 60 year old wife's looks have declined over the last few decades of life, but to actually go out and choose an ugly old woman to have sex with? WTF Governator? What. The Fuck.???

Friday, May 20, 2011

Hipster Church

Last month I told you about the Hipster Synagogue. Now we have a Hipster Church too. 37 year old ordained minister Gage Jung said "We're not trying to make a church like the one your parents went to. We're trying to make a church for our generation". Dude, you're 37. Your parents are probably senior citizens. It's time to grow the fuck up. He added that he doesn't want to have a regular church, "It has to be different. We don't want to be like everyone else,". Of course you don't, that would be sooooo fin. You just have to be "unique". Just like the 150,000 othe "unique" L-train riding, trustafarian Vegan DJ baristas living in parentally subsidized Billyburg lofts wearing the same kaffiyah, red beard, and wool hats and scarves in the middle of summer..

"It's going to be tough trying to convince people that we're authentic, but people will know that we are real," YOU ARE NOT AUTHENTIC! You are just trying to get people to pay attention to you, which is the only thing hipsters. people will not just "know" you are real. They read this article and "know" you are a joke. The only thing this church does differently is members use a bible app on their iphones instead of using an actual bible and mingle over "indie music and donuts" Those donuts better be gluten free organic and sustainable or I call shenanigans.

Hipster Minister in his best $265 Summer Wool Cap

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Justice has been served

I'm sure many of you heard about the woman who was arrested for talking on her cellphone in a Amtrak silent car. This type of shit just drives me crazy, as I take public transportation almost every day and am exposed to rude, arrogant or ignorant people. That's why I got myself one of these handy dandy illegal cell phone blockers from China. (This American  site is expensive but look around the web and the Chinese sites are a fraction of the price) For about $50, you can enjoy a circle of silence around you. Sometimes I go weeks without having to use it, but when I do want it it is there for me. I am not a complete dick so I give people a minute or two to finish up their conversation before I use the jammer, as many people use their phone to make arrangements to pick up their kids and other important stuff.  I also will use my phone on the subway or bus but make sure after a minute to say, "I'm on the subway/bus, I will call you back later".

One thing I have noticed over the past few years of using this device is that  while most people I have to use the jammer on is women, the women seem to come from every ethnic background. It is just as likely I will use it on Mexican women on the bus in Sunset Park, a Orthodox Jewish woman in Boro Park, a yappy Italian/Greek on the express bus, or any ethnicity teenager anywhere in the city. I love watching the angry/confused look on their face when they get zero bars in the middle of an in depth conversation about some nonsense. I urge you all to get one today. They are also useful for teachers or anyone else who needs to command the undivided attention of a room full of people.



Tuesday, May 17, 2011

First Annual African American National Spelling Bee Championship

No, this is not a joke where contestants spell in ebonics (although that would be funny, maybe we should start one???). It is an actual event to boost the self esteem of poorly performing black students. What a joke. Just because girls and black kids cant spell doesn't mean they should have their own competition where everyone wins. According to Houston news outlet ktrh:

Dozens of Houston area kids will be competing for scholarships and other prizes this weekend, but we still know little, if anything about the 1st African-American Spelling Bee Championships being held Saturday in Houston.
Organizers did not return phone calls from KTRH News seeking an update on the event.
We first brought you this story two months ago, and it sparked a heated on-air debate between KTRH talk show host Michael Berry and the spelling bee's Jackie Terrell on why African-American children should have a separate competition from the more popular Scripps National Spelling Bee.
"You're telling these young black children you're not good enough to compete, you don't have the parental support and school support, so we'll create something you can win," said Berry.  "They have a trophy that's meaningless, there's no honor in that."
Terrell fired back saying "There is honor in that, we're creating an opportunity they wouldn't otherwise have."
What a joke. 

Friday, May 13, 2011

Hipsters Setting the Bar High Again

I don't go to the movies often because paying $30 to sit in a bedbug infested theater and watch another Nicholas Cage blockbuster is just not that enjoyable to me. Some people do love going to the movies because of the experience. A big bucket of popcorn, soda, and a huge screen are all good things.

Now that God has sent us the Hipster to show us how to live our lives in the most authentically deck way possible, there is no longer a need to go to the megaplex. Just hop on your fixie and find the nearest alley. The "ethos of the movement" and mob flash style organizing will make sure the alley is packed by red bearded Ethans and housedress wearing Meghans within minutes. If there are no homeless people smoking crack in the alley, set up your authentically deck projector and pop that crappy euro indie film nonsense on the reel. The event will be hosted by Forking Tasty’s blogging brothers, who are serve some local artisanally made cinema-inspired popcorn with flavors like A Streetcar Named Desire (Cajun), Indiana Jones (garam masala), Goodfellas (Parmesan and parsley), and Austin Powers (salt and vinegar). (Rumor is there is a fifth flavor with duck fat and truffle salt).

If you are interested in more information about this event, please handcuff yourself and jump into the East River.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Cyberbullying is not working, bring back REAL BULLYING!

Back in the day when our society imposed morals, stigma helped ensure each family had two parents and people ate enough food to survive but not eat so much as to actually fuse themselves to their recliner because they are too fat to stand. Although we have progressed so far in science, technology and human rights, our moral compass of what is right and wrong has just fallen so fucking far off the map. We need to BRING BACK STIGMA, and bring it back hard!

Stigma has helped address moral issues in the past, from those colonial whores (The Scarlet Letter) to our modern fight to reduce cigarette use. But nothing pisses me off more than fat kids. Doritos for breakfast, pizza topped with ranch dressing for 1st lunch, roast beef with mayo for 2nd lunch and philly cheese steak with a side of onion rings for 3rd lunch eating fat fucking obese monsters. Just this morning I saw some little TIN (Thug In Training) at the deli using his gummint bemefits card to buy 8 bags of Doritos for breakfast. And dont give me that bs, "there is no fresh fruits or veggies marketed to underserved neighborhood" nonsense. There is a supermarket right next door. Eat a banana. Or an apple. Its two thousand and fucking 11. Even poor people can watch Dr. oz telling them fat=bad. they can use this thing called the internet. I know obese poor people use the internet it because of the existence of websites such as craigslist and world star hip hop. So use it to visit one of the thousands of sites that show you how to not be fat.

Research has shown that one third of overweight girls and a quarter of overweight boys have been subject to bullying either through physical aggression, verbal teasing, or social seclusion. Maybe if stigma held a real meaning like it did back in the day these fat kids might think, "Hey, there IS something wrong with me. Maybe I shouldnt eat that whole box of oreos every single night before bed".

The same study showed Obese children who are bullied, teased or harassed are more likely to experience depression and have a higher incidence of suicidal thoughts. These children also are less likely to voluntarily engage in the very exercise, nutrition and fitness programs that could help restore their good health. REALLY!!!!!!!!!!! Fat kids are averse to nutrition and exercise?? I never would have thought.

Peer bullying can start as early as preschool. Preschool! So even a 4 year old knows there is something wrong with eating more food than a small African village eats in 3 months. Why does this stigma not translate into less fat people? Because bullies these days aren't cutting it. Cyberbullying, this 21st century form of bullying just isn't getting the job done. We need more bullying, more stigma and less obesity. For more on why obesity is fucking horrible, please read this article.

This appetizer before breakfast is amazing!!

Monday, May 9, 2011

I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant (teen edition)

There are thousands if not hundreds of thousands of different reasons why fat and stupid people should not have children. As proof of the exploding global population, we have seen a huge increase in obesity related disease such as diabetes and heart disease, as well as NASCAR and NHL fans. According to my scientific estimates, there are 5.9 billion excess people present on earth. This is unsustainable and totally not organic!

Teen Mom Amber Fatwood and her 400 lb baby daddy are the proud parents of fat white trash baby Leah. Amber got this tattoo to "prove how much she loves her baby so she never loses custody again". This teen mom is so disgusting that she leaked nude photos of herself and the entire internet shut itself down. She wants to be a "pinup model". I think she is more likely to be a Nobel Prize inning chemist or Pulitzer Prize winning author, but most likely to be a Walmart greeter. Her body isn't horrible, its her face that makes me want to punch my corneas with ice picks. Her body is only halfway decent because she is 17. Give her 3 more years + 3 more kids + more jail time and shell be pushing 350 lbs.


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Pay Attention to Me Hipster Beards

Sometimes a facial hair style comes along that is just so much more awesome than any that preceded it. This is not one of those times. The newest hipster facial hair style, the Monkeytail, is just so much worse than any of its forefathers. It is now the preferred Hipster facial hair style, as it will prevent them from ever having meaningful employment.

Original Monkeytail

The Striped Monkeytail
Duckface Monkeytail Douchebag Combo


Monday, May 2, 2011

Next Steps in The War On Terror: What To Do With Osama Now?

Now that Osama Bin Laden has been killed, the next question remains; what should we do with his body? I had a few great ideas, and after hearing some suggestions I have narrowed it down to the following 11:

1. World's largest Bukakae party.

2. Cook up the body and have Congress eat it on the floor of the Senate. VP Biden gets to eat the face.

3. Graft his head onto the body of a pig.

4. Allow the general public to have sex with the body.

5. Weekend at Bernie's 3: drag the body to various Spring Break locations, put on some dark sunglasses and take him jet sking.

6. Chop his body and a few dead pigs up in a wood chipper. Spray the mixture from a helicopter over Mecca during Ramadan.

7. String him up like a marionette and make the ultimate America propoganda film.

8. Hang him from the torch on the Statue of Liberty.

9. Put his body into a glass septic tank under the White House so the President can shit on him every day. Broadcast via webcam to the whole world.

10. Stab a note through his neck that says "Youre Next" and send it to Muammar Quaddafi.

11. Bury him at the center of a 1000 acre industrial pig farm.