Most people try to figure out some awesome resolutions to make them a better person. Since I am practically perfect, I have prepared a list for you to help improve your quality of life:
1. Delete people you dont like from your Facebook account. You dont like them, they probably don't like you. So why do you care what is their favorite TV show or where they last checked in on foursquare?
2. Delete people you don't like from your life. It doesn't matter whether they are friends or family. If they suck, tell them to go fuck themselves. Or if youre a giant pussy, just do #1 and they'll get the idea. The proverb "Blood is thicker than water" is a bunch of horseshit. We all die alone, the least we can do is spend our time here with whoever we damn please. Also, you're probably adopted, so that's not even your real family anyway.
3. Calm the Fuck down. Whatever you may be concerned about is really not worth the stress.
4. If you live near or with a hipster, set them on fire. This is great karma.
5. Stop making excuses.
6. Get drunk on a regular basis.
7. When all else fails and you are sad, lonely or depressed, just think of Haiti or Africa. If you lived there you would most likely have 6-7 dead siblings, Cholera, AIDS, Sickle Cell Anemia, and/or Malaria. Your fucking 2006 Maxima with 70,000 miles on it doesn't seem so shitty anymore now does it?
Amazing post Sam. I am laughing hysterically in my office right now. I especially love #7. Now I have to figure out how to be a follower.
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